Wake Up Call!

I was reading a rather interesting article about Google’s hiring practices. The article mentioned how in the past GPA’s and brainteaser questions seemed to be the more important path for selecting the right person for the job. Reality has set in over the years where GPA and crazy questions don’t seem to have any relevance for hiring the right person. I’m also at times fascinated with how different types of articles on LinkedIn will always highlight certain business gurus that seem to have the inside tract on everything. The challenge is that these gurus can soon fall from Business Heaven to the pits of Hell because of personal life failures.

I know that it is so easy to get caught up into thinking that being more productive, more efficient and effective is truly the correct target zone for life. I know most have seen through the myth that being busy is the key to success. It is so easy to think that down time or actually taking a nap is something that is evil and contrary to being effective. I listened to a close friend last night share how his life was turned around through the tragic death of his brother.

Sometimes it takes a tragic situation to turn a person’s perspective on life around. I have a close friend that has become an integral part of my life share at our Life Skill Group last night. He grew up in a great home with supportive parents and siblings. He had everything going for him yet he had your typical youth disconnect in college. He didn’t want to elaborate or glorify his youth indulgence but was honest about turning his back on God, family and friends.

I hadn’t realized that the death of his older brother who was finishing his PhD was instrumental in seeing his life turned around. I could tell as my friend shared his story that this part of his life puzzle was very important for him to get the real meaning about life. We joked around about how he met his wife and how he asked her out on their first date. (Nothing exciting about having pizza at the apartment.) The reality is that everyone’s life is put on hold when someone close to them is hurting.

I know that in my life the decade long battle with cancer for my mom has shaped my life. I know that I really didn’t believe that my mom would die and that she wouldn’t be around for the weddings of all of my kids and the birth of her great grandkids. This didn’t happen and her slow death impacted my dad’s life especially. The end result is that my dad has suffered because of his willingness to give his all for my mom. I understand more about my dad’s life, as I have become his special friend in his old age.

It is too easy to let high tech and all of the gadgets of today take priority over family and friendships. I just finished reading an article that talked about the reasons why too many college students are finding their first job not as easy to find as they thought it would be. This comes back to the immaturity of today’s youth, lack of experience with real life and the substituting of social media for real communication. I admit that it is so much easier to text someone back than to actually talk to them.

As we finished our group last night one of our adults, who is very involved, had to share her story about her son’s death with my friend. This was an eye opening life experience for her and her family. The hurt and pain lessen but are still present as you live your life out each day. Yes, God can give us hope and a sense of peace about anything but the reality of sin’s impact on daily life is a present reminder of our need to put God first to get a true-life perspective.

I met with a friend yesterday who works with a social services program through our state. He was excited about a program that his director had asked him to head. This program would actually ask real life people who are involved in under resourced communities to be the advisors of what actions should be taken and what programs should be birthed, curtailed or rethought. My quick response was whether the director was willing to come and personally connect with people who are experiencing life’s hardships firsthand?

I’m not wishing tragedy or hardship on anyone but just suggesting that we look beyond all of the hype of social media, the mega corporations and the latest high tech tools to see that life is made up of relationships that become key to our experiencing the purpose and meaning living!

Boundaries - good thing or made to be broken?

I know that one of the most difficult aspects of life is learning to hear the word NO and also being able to set boundaries. I admit that I have a difficult time saying NO to my own indulgent tendencies just as much to those around me. I admit that it is so important in life to learn to say no to the right things in order to say YES to the few things you are to do passionately well. I know that as a parent it is very difficult to say no all of the time, especially as dads who are viewed as the ‘bad guys’.

Yesterday I was faced with a decision that meant saying a big NO to someone who wanted to invite someone to attend something as mundane as roller-skating. I won’t go into details about the individuals and circumstances. The reality for me was that it would have been so easy just to not do anything when a situation really required making boundaries for a purpose. The challenge is no one, myself included, loves to be told NO to anything.

I can remember, as a youth growing up my parents were mainstream when it came to having discipline in our family. I knew that they were reasonable which required me to be astute enough to communicate and follow through. I didn’t grow up in the age of cell phones, Internet and texting. So if I was going to be late I had to actually call them and explain what was happening. I had a dad who cared which equated into him staying up at night until I came home from a date, band gig or hanging out with friends. I wasn’t any different with any of my kids who are now grown adults who soon will have their own kids.

I live in a community where too often the absence of dads equates into few if any boundaries. It takes too much time and trouble to communicate with your kids about the ‘ground rules’ in life. Instead what happens is that everyone is raised in an open environment where everything goes until you do something that pushes someone’s button. So what I see too often is an adult losing it with the F bomb or other poor choices of words that only pushes a kid further away from understanding why curfews are good not some evil invention. Sadly, words turn into physical expressions that cause both physical hurt and emotional pain.

I am always trying to get those around me to see the benefit of being someone who purposely gets up early to put God first and have your day ordered in a way that can rock the world. I know the temptation of wanting to stay up way to late and then always push the envelope when it comes to getting up in the morning and making it to school or work on time. I laughed when one of my teens decided to take a 0 hour class which meant he had to be on campus before 7 am. He would call almost daily with the expectation that I would give him a ride to school. He figured I was up so why not. This didn’t last too long and he had to drop the class.

Yes, I confess I grew up in the 60’s and was reared on a life philosophy that really didn’t believe you needed boundaries. I can remember the mindset that you challenged any authority and that rules were only made to be broken. The wake up call was the officer that pulled you over for speeding or running a stop sign where you didn’t come to a complete stop. I can also remember the downfall of financial irresponsibility. Yes I did have to pay off that credit card that I had mistaken as free cash. Boundaries have a place in all of life arenas.

I met with someone this week who is a journalist that is doing an article on the youth disconnect in Phoenix. The focus is primarily on the African American youth and why we have the highest drop out rate, unemployment amongst teens and highest pregnancy rate in the nation. It was great to met this 30 something that grew up in D.C. with middle class parents, which meant that he had some sense of boundaries, and ambitions that helped him rise above the poverty mentality in the nation’s capital. My hope as he writes his article is that he will purposely choose to be around some of my youth to better understand why boundaries and having a passion in life are so much a byproduct of family.

My dogs are quick to let me know when I forget my commitment, i.e. boundary or family obligation to take them for a walk before the sun rises and also after the sun has set. They can make me feel real guilty if I walk by and ignore them. My hope is that I would be better at following through with my life boundaries/commitments and that this would help motivate some of my teens and adults to see the bennies of being an early riser and also someone that actually gets more than a few hours of sleep. There has to be a better to say this instead of the early bird catches the worm or that snoozing means you lose. 

Win or Lose

Last night I was blessed to be able to take a few of my teens to see a D-Backs game. I have some good friends who will give me their tickets if they are out of town. So we end up arriving early and because these tickets are from a business we actually have great parking that actually hooks up with the ballpark. So we end up parking on the 5^th level and actually walk on a bridge that connects us with the fancy area where the suites are located.

I love baseball and being able to sit and watch both the game and the crowd. The jumbotron helps bring the game and the crowd right to you. I knew that we would have about an hour to wait for the game. We were still waiting for the rest of our group to arrive. So my guys went for a walk around the park while I stayed at our section to get a polish dog and something to drink. I know that a few of my guys that love sport would consider baseball to be rather boring. I also knew that having the NBA Finals at the same time might make it tough to watch the game.

I know that as a kid growing up I had a mom that loved sports and was willing to take me anywhere any time to participate. So I did baseball from the age of 4 to 15. I understand in today’s setting that sports for some means a traveling time, lots of expense and then a commitment to take your son/daughter to practice a few times a week. I did soccer with my Jon for 5 years and then we also were part of swim team for 4 years. My only rub with sports is that it at times gives a false sense of financial hope for some. It can become all consuming with parents just as much with kids. I will always remember that it was the parents who fought at our soccer games and had to be reprimanded for screaming obscenities and not the youth.

I was surprised or shocked to discover that a couple of my guys had never been to Chase Field or to a baseball game. So I was hoping that this would be an unusual game that would keep their attention. As the game got underway our section started to fill up with both old timers, that were keeping score and with 20 somethings who have rich parents. I had to remind my guys about innings, strikes, balls, walks and other baseball terminology. I know it was incomprehensible that these older folks were actually keeping track of who hit, scored and how the play happened.

The game was tied 0-0 until the 4^th inning and then the opposing team scored 2 runs because of poor pitching. Finally the pitcher gets out of his little mess and settles into a good routine. The D-Backs made a few double plays. As the game started to stretch into 7 innings the bats of the D-Backs had been silent. Finally someone gets a base hit and is on first. Next, someone else, who isn’t a homerun guy, hits a homerun and the game is tied at 2-2. All of a sudden my heart races and I’m back into the game thinking the D-Backs have a chance, oops, I forgot they are still in first place and YES they have an excellent chance to win.

I spend a lot of time trying to persuade my group that winning isn’t everything. Yeah, I will be the first to admit that as a kid and then teen losing sucked and made you feel like a low life, yet, my mom would always tell me that losing is much more a part of life then winning. It is relatively easy to win she would say but learning to be a gracious loser is even more important. I do have memories of being in the little league play offs in our area in Montana. I can remember hitting 3 home runs in one game. Yes, we did win that game but lost the playoff series to keep going to the finals.

The game was going with the score tied and the news in the background was that the Spurs were leading the Heat by a few points. Both games were coming to a close or at least into overtime. The D-Backs slowly sent the Marlins down in order in the top of the 9^th inning. So now it came back to the D-Backs to do something in the bottom of the 9^th inning. What is the likelihood of having a walk off homerun? Now I hear that the NBA game is tied between the Spurs and the Heat.

The D-Backs had struggled all day to get any hits save the lone home run that produced 2 runs and a tied game. Now we have the first baseman come up to the plate. He has become the slugger of the team who has won a few games on his own. It was hard to fathom that ‘Goldy’ might be able to come through with another homerun. So on the 2^nd pitch the balls flies towards the batter who swings for the heavens only to see his ball go into right field. I couldn’t believe it but the D-Backs win on a walk off homer by Paul who now has become the team hero.

The crowd goes wild as the various lights and sirens go off. Yes, the D-Backs win with an incredible hit by their slugger – Goldy. Now it is ok to walk off and find our other guys who are watching the Basketball game. We wind around the corner to discover various screens with the playoff game going. The game was now in OT and it seemed to go back and forth between the teams. I know the likelihood of having both my teams win probably wouldn’t happen. The score went back and forth between being tied to being just a few points across the board. The Heat do some last minute maneuvering and end up with scoring a few extra points and win.

We walk across the bridge to the garage to find the truck and wait the 30-minute backup to get out. Yes, it was awesome to win in the last inning of the game but it wasn’t so great to lose in overtime either. Life is a series of both last minute wins and last minute let downs. The question is whether you are going to let how the game finishes determine what you do or don’t do tomorrow. The great thing for us because of the homerun our section was chosen, 212 to receive free Jumbo Jacks. 

Patience

I’m someone who doesn’t like to be put on hold or told to chill and not do anything. I grew up with a mom that was a doer and would always lecture me on not putting something off till tomorrow that could be done today. So I grew up with a living example of someone who always had an eye for what needed to be done and did it. I was taught from birth that I didn’t have to be told to take out the trash I should just do it. Much like picking up my clothes off the floor and putting them in the laundry basket should be a natural act and not something I have to be screamed at to do.

I understand the need for patience when working with someone else, who has unique circumstances that need a little extra understanding and attention. I didn’t expect to be taught a life lesson with my Anne with her broken foot. It is ok to wait on my dad, who is 83 and has Dementia but to have to literally have to be available 24/7 for my Anne I didn’t expect this to happen any time soon.

It has been 3 weeks since Anne broke her ankle and had surgery. The good news is that she can start walking on her surgically repaired foot in a week. She is so ready to be able to get around on her own and not be dependent upon me. It is too easy to be busy doing something and forget that my Anne can’t get out of the shower without my help or even reach her towel. I wouldn’t purposely take off and do an errand and leave her to become a ‘prune’ but it could happen.

I know that working with at risk youth both little kids and teens can try your patience. It is so easy to let something that isn’t a big deal become a big deal and totally push you over the emotional edge. I am learning that there is a balance between being patience with a purpose and being guilty of ignoring real needs where you should not exercise patience and be quicker to express tough love.

I now that few like to wait on much of anything. I know that one of my teens can’t wait until the next iPhone comes out or the latest iPad is totally refreshed. Yet, these are really insignificant in comparison to walking with someone on their life journey understanding that there are land mines and temporary issues that won’t be resolved for years. I do have the hope and expectation that my Anne will some concerted effort and patience will be walking slowly then walking normally then walking quickly and then be able to run. It will be difficult for my Anne to not dash off and put her foot in jeopardy.

I know that our summer vacation was put on hold, not cancelled, by Anne’s hiking mishap. I can remember my mom’s 10 year battle with cancer meant that her and my dad didn’t travel very often and seldom was able to visit. This was totally understandable under the circumstances. I know that one of the tough life lessons is being able to adapt to changes in life and this requires having patience with yourself which is to most difficult to face.

I can remember, as a young Christians hearing many say to not ask God to give you patience because it meant something horrible would happen. Looking back over the last 40 years of my life I can see how God uses the normal circumstances of life, like broken bones or friends having surgery to teach us that life doesn’t haven’t to always be on the run. I will be the quickest to admit that it isn’t easy for me to just stop, listen and to watch a sunrise or smell the coffee or listen to birds in my backyard. I do appreciate the Psalmist who said that waiting is a normal part of life that will see God’s hand work. 

My Amazing Dad

I know that it is easy for dads and sons to have this conflict thing happening during most of the teen years. I know that regardless of what generation you perceive yourself to be from that there will always be issues that dads and sons have to decide to see each other for who they are instead of who they would like each other to be. I understand that life has changed dramatically over the last 30 years. Regardless of these changes I have a dad who has truly been there for me as a wacky teen who grew up during the 60’s.

My life wasn’t typical with a dad who served in the Air Force and was involved in the Vietnam War. I can remember growing up and assuming that all people moved every couple of years. I also thought that most dads flew big airplanes that went on special missions that protected our country and allowed us the freedoms which we took for granted. It wasn’t until I was older and we lived in a more normal circumstance that I came to better appreciate my dad’s service to his country and even to my brothers and me.

It is now in life; as I have become my dad’s caregiver that I can better appreciate what it was like for my dad to be my mom’s caregiver for a decade as she battled with a different type of war – cancer. I can remember when we moved to Montana and there was real snow and definitely very cold temperatures in the 20 below range that I came to understand the uniqueness of both my mom and dad. My parents provided a very stable environment for us as kids growing up regardless of whether my dad’s life was on the line as he flew bombers in Southeast Asia with the risk he could be shot down or struck by lightening.

I now understood why my mom was so quick to make moving every few years a game that taught me especially to be quicker at making new friends, organizing my life and understanding that my home wasn’t a house or a neighborhood but my family. I always laughed at my cousins who lived in the same house and had never moved – HOW BORING! I’m not sure if I truly comprehended that my dad could die serving his country until a neighbor’s dad was shot down and became a POW for the following 7 years. I assumed that Captain Bob Lilly wouldn’t make it home. I was so thankful that B-52 Crews had a much more likelihood of surviving the war whereas helicopter crews had an unfortunately high percentage chance of being shot down.

I will always remember the small house in San Diego where my mom lived out her last 10 years of her life. I can remember the day my parents came to visit to tell Anne and I that my mom had breast cancer. They did it in such a way that it was supposed to lessen the news; my mom had cancer, which to most would mean she was going to die. My mom had faced death numerous times when she thought that my dad might have been killed while flying; yet, we came through 10 years of my dad flying these monstrous planes without crashing.

I know that my dad was someone that grew up in really difficult circumstances where he should have grow into a resentful teen that lashed out at the world for his parent’s divorce, growing up in a very racist city or having a Stepdad that hated him, yet, my dad grew up to become one of the most gentle and understanding persons I have ever know. I can remember the day I told him about my Anne and his response wasn’t 100 questions or that I was too young but a compliment that she must be incredible if I was going to ask her to marry me.

The life crisis that shook Anne and my world wasn’t a war or battle with cancer but the 3-month premature birth of our daughter. This landed us in the Bay Area and quickly removed us from our beach paradise where we had attended college. My parents were so quick to come to our aid when they received a phone call about Heather’s quick arrival. They drove the same hour we called to Mt. Zion to see our little one. We lived with them over the next couple of months as our lives were turned upside down.

My dad’s stable response to all of this was that God is faithful and will be there regardless of what happens. My mom was so quick to make us feel at home in a very strange situation. We didn’t know for the next 6 months whether our baby was going to live or die. Yet, they provided a safe haven for us to stay as we commuted to the neo-natal intensive care unit each day. I ended getting a concrete job in the Bay Area and we made the transition from our Los Osos beach home to a condo in Palo Alto.

I can remember the last month my mom lived. I had come to the conclusion that she was going to live her last days on the couch in my parent’s small house. I knew that my dad had become very private and withdrawn about my mom’s declining health. We had argued about why he was unwilling to have close friends visit. I was too quick to judge him and not really understand that he was my mom’s guardian who didn’t want her to feel any more pain even in the eyes of her best friends who would be in tears as they saw her weakened condition.

It was around 3am that I received a call from my dad. I can’t remember why I heard my cell phone in our South Phoenix home. Yet, I wasn’t shocked or taken back but knew this call would come sooner or later. I had visited my mom for our birthdays. We had said our good-byes and it seemed like she was ready to go home. I wasn’t ready for this traumatic experience for my family or me. Yet, my dad’s call was one of a spiritual high and song of praise for God’s care and love for his bride of over 50 years.

My dad had insulated himself from the reality that his best friend was about to leave him. He had been such an amazing caregiver for my mom. Yes, we fought about home healthcare and hospice but ultimately he listened. He did one of the most difficult things in making arrangements for my mom’s funeral and cremation before her passing.

My Dad has always been the one to be my mentor example that being a life long learner is the path to success. He was never one to push me to choose a certain career path. He never defined himself by possessions or education. I will remember the visit of one of his Air Forces buds this last year. Bill D was one of my dad’s students when he was close to retiring from the Air Force. I had really never heard Bill’s story about how my dad had impacted his life so he rose above mediocrity to excel.

I had explained to Bill via e-mail that my dad had Dementia and wouldn’t necessarily remember him. Yet, when we pulled up to Coco’s for breakfast on a Saturday my dad did remember Bill. We did the typical reintroductions and then sat for our breakfast. Bill at one point began his thank you to my dad. Little did I expect to see a 70 year old man start to cry as he expressed his thanks to my dad for how he had challenged and encouraged him at a point in his life when he was ready to quit. Bill went on and shared how my dad’s belief system and practical mentoring helped him go from being at the bottom to ending up on top.

I was so impressed with what Bill had said I asked him to write it out so I could save it for future reference. I know that one of the most difficult transitions in life is to watch the parents who raised you be totally invincible to becoming someone who is now more like a kid and then someone who needs your care and advocacy. My dad is truly my hero who has been my guiding light through my adulthood and youth. Thanks dad for loving me for who I’m and helping become the man you knew I could become!