Racism is Alive :(

I grew up with parents who were both born and raised in St. Louis, MO. As I’m watching the news over the last week plus I’m still shocked that my parents seldom ever talked about racism. I knew that they both grew up in ‘White’ neighborhoods that at some point experienced ‘White Flight’ to the suburbs. I understand now looking back that my parents protected me from experiencing the racism that was held by their larger family. The opportunity for us today as we are overwhelmed by what is unfolding in this little city in MO is how all sides need to step back and be more able to see all sides of the issue. The unfortunate reality is that there are many taking advantage of this tragedy and using this killing as a way to loot, steal and continue to promote racial unrest.

Yet, the reality is that someone who has experienced discrimination is more likely to react to someone that looks like the person that put them down, abused them or fired them. I will always remember an experience, as a 10 year old, when my mom’s mom sat me down and explained to me how all N___________ are bad. I had to ask my dad about the N word to really understand what grandma Red was saying. My dad, who I’m so amazed at, quickly explained to me in his own words why he was so upset with Grandma’s racism. I had been blessed by a father who taught me to see all people as people not as different races.

Let me fast forward to after I graduated from college and ended up in a situation where I experienced discrimination because I was a graduate that should have gotten a high tech job. I was a year ahead of my wife in college and had a year to burn while she finished. I had done a little bit of concrete work when I was a sophomore in College. I was able to get into the Cement Finisher’s Union and landed a great job with a small Hispanic Concrete Contractor. Looking back I’m amazed at being laughed at and bullied but the reality was that the owner’s family company had never had a ‘White’ guy hack it with their curb and gutter machine crew. I put up with the harassment and eventually learned how to do concrete work and won these hermanos over and they became close friends. This didn’t happen in a few days but over a year.

It would have been so easy for me to have walked away from a job that paid $25 an hour in 1976 and settled for making probably $5 an hour. Yet, E and A Concrete became my family and the owner, Henry, ultimately became like a father to me. So I don’t totally understand racism as one of my teens has tried to remind me often. She is presently homeless and is emotionally empty, because of the way she was raised, by a mom that used what I call reverse racism. It is so easy for someone to use their race as a means to get help or take advantage of the system or a church.  My point in all of this is that racism is still a huge issue both in the church, our city, families and our nation.

Justice is important to be pursued on behalf of all. Yet, the reality is that your race, socio-economic setting and network of family and friends determines whether you can be treated fairly. The challenge of our nation, our cities, our churches and families is to learn from someone else that is of a different race what it is like to be harassed or discriminated in life. It is so easy to pass judgment on a situation without knowing the facts. It is too easy to assume that all police officers are racists and don’t care about someone who is on the other side of the tracks. Just like I can react to an African American Policeman that gives me a ticket and accuse him of racism, even though I know I was speeding.

I have been involved most of my life with doing community work where racial reconciliation is the only path for our families, cities, churches and nation to see life become better. It requires all of us to step outside of our comfort zone and purposely make friends, business associates, worship, work and play with those that are different from us. This is not the typically way that life works for most of us. Yet, for the riots to stop, for there to be an attempt to see justice happen, it is time that all of us learn that it is character, not skin color, that determines the value and worth of a person.

Our nation, cities, churches and families need to see that the racial wounds need to be addressed and no longer ignored. It is time that I admit to my own bias or prejudice and choose to eat at a different restaurant, attend a different church and even consider a different job to help make a difference. The challenge is that everyone truly believes that it is someone else’s responsibility to do something.  Yes, the rallies will continue tonight, yes the Grand Jury will make a decision soon and the nation will be on edge for weeks to come. So what can I do today to make a difference? I can consider whether I’m willing to make new friends and just listen to someone else’s story and hopefully learn more about life from a different perspective.

What Do I Do?

I have become a quote junkie over the last year with various social media outlets becoming one of my main sources. I know that Solomon would aptly state that there is nothing new under the sun, which I totally agree. The interesting phenomena today is that you not only have an incredible quote but the packaging around it helps one even better connect the dots of life. My interesting quote today had a picture of a lion or tiger with the simple fact that one’s strength doesn’t come from weight lifting but from picking oneself up after you have failed.

I have to admit that I was rather irritated with a few people yesterday because they just don’t seem to get it. I have spent a considerable amount of time, personal energy and emotions walking with a few that seem to be in a haze. They don’t even get it that they are out of it. How is it possible for someone in today’s information age not to graduate from High School or get a GED? How is it possible in today’s job market for someone who tries and is persistent to not get a job unless they aren’t interested? I was ready to scream after I saw someone that was mooching off one of my close friend’s family.

Don’t get me wrong I’m all about giving a hand up to see someone rock their world and make a difference. My struggle is how long do you continue to help someone who doesn’t want to take step one to get back into life? How long can you play the game of life without realizing that you have hit the bottom and the only way is up? Yes, I ranted a little or actually a lot when someone continues to make poor choices thinking they are making good choices. I totally get it that your culture, past choices and your family have everything to do with your circumstances. Yet, I was raised with this sense that one is never to stop trying, don’t quit and clearly don’t make excuses that seem to place the blame on everyone but yourself.

My wife chewed on me a little not to be so hard and unwilling to forgive and help. I repented as we walked the dogs and thought more about impact of the dysfunctional family on the kids, teens and adults that we are around. I had attempted to get one of my 50 something friends who had crashed and burned this last week because of her crazy sisters. I was hoping to get her to get out of her house and fog and do something. I wasn’t very successful.

Yes, there is a common theme in many of the quotes that I have pulled off the Internet. It seems that all of us struggle with quitting and choosing to step up when the going is not only tough but seems impossible. The question, which is a tough one, is what is the difference between the person that falls by the wayside and the individual who faces their worst fears and seems to overcome them all of the time? I’m one that is quick to go back to Solomon or his father, David and recognize that it is the Lord who ultimately pushes, motivates and sustains me when I’m ready to throw in the towel. (We’ve all seen the footprint in the sand statement where I realize that most of my life I’m being cared by Jesus or a friend regardless of whether I can see that as it happens!)

So how do I help my friends who are on the edge of failure and insignificance? Some would say that until they actually hit bottom you can’t do anything. I’m quick to agree but it is very difficult to stand back and watch someone hurt themselves. So my wife’s encouragement is to keep reaching back, don’t quit and definitely not lower your standards or expectations!

Thank You Goes a Long Way!

I can remember my mom being a stickler about always saying thank you! She would say that saying thank you goes a long way and prepares the path for the future. What she really meant was if I didn’t say thank you for a gift I might not get another in the future. I wonder whether Jesus was bothered after healing a group of lepers when only one came back to say thank you? I just received a text from one of my teens that was a thank you for the backpack that one of our partners provided for all of our kids and teens last weekend.

I was in a conversation with someone over the phone that I have known over the last 6 plus years. Unfortunately this individual is still figuring out life at 21. I had texted him about some important papers that had come to my house. I had tried to impress upon him that he needed to change his address so he could get the papers where he is staying and more importantly it gave the false impression that he was residing with me. The sad fact is that he got upset and instead of saying hey thanks Dave for letting me know about these important papers he hung up on me.

Over the last 3 months I have dealt with a local agency that is funded and overseen by the state. I had chosen to do something which I knew in the end might become what I call a thankless type of job. I have a passion to see lives turned around regardless of the cost whether that is economic or my time. So after doing work for this agency after 3 months and essentially providing services for free why am I feeling as if I might be the ‘bad guy’? I have been in the middle of e-mail discussions that sounded as if I’m the one that is at fault for the actions of others that are beyond my control. I’m the one who opened up my home and heart to help; yet in the end the perception of many would be that I got burned. I spent a significant amount of funds out of my pocket and never once received a thank you or got a sense that anyone noticed or really cared??

I know that it is difficult at times to not feel used and ignored to realize that we have to see the bigger picture and accept that whether all 10 lepers came back to Jesus to say thanks isn’t what is most important. I would have loved to have gotten 60 texts on Sunday or Monday this last week that said THANKS DAVE for the backpacks. I did get many thank yous, but not from everyone. It is difficult at times to know how far to go to respond to someone or an organization that doesn’t get the importance of saying thanks and preparing a path for future involvement. Otherwise my mom’s old adage would come true. ‘I told you I wasn’t going to help you this time if you didn’t say thanks so don’t be shocked now that I don’t help you. ‘

I’m so appreciative of being able to help in a very difficult and awkward situation. The difficulty is that I now have to pick up the pieces of my heart that have been broken because of the apparent lack of sensitivity of an organization that is supposed to understand the importance of saying good-bye in a proper fashion. The bigger issues is whether I would chose to partner with this organization in the future because of their inability to communicate, follow through and care in a humane fashion.  I’m more concerned about the impact on some kids that I love than my personal feelings or having my reputation tarnished.

Life is full of thankless opportunities that we still know that we are called to do. The opportunity is to rise above unfortunate circumstances and be a positive person that is quick to say thanks to others who are still learning.  

Scrambled Eggs with Syrup?

I have experienced change and heartache often in my life. I moved over 21 times as a kid with a dad in the Air Force. I have moved more than that as an adult that knows the importance of stability and having a place you can call home. Yet, the reality whether you or rich or poor is that life is full of changes. Sometimes we can plan for change with psyching ourselves up or other times we are taken by surprise and feel as if our world is caving in all around us. The later is how I felt last night.

I can’t go into details about what happened but will share a few images that will help those who are in the know understand and for others you can chuckle at what makes life special in the midst of heartache and disappointment. I know that there aren’t any guarantees in life. I watched a mom who was a special friend suffer for a decade with cancer and die in a horrible fashion and a dad who was my brain power die with a disease that took away his intellect and ability to remember.

I’m privileged to part of the lives of many kids, teens and adults that come out of difficult circumstances. I was fortunate to have a great mom and dad but most of those around me don’t have the necessities so at times life isn’t a great as it could be. Yet, what stands out are the little things we are able to experience that help my life make sense and ultimately count!

I had never been introduced to eating my eggs with syrup until this summer. Yet, some special little friends got my attention because I could cook eggs in any fashion but ultimately what they wanted was syrup smothering their breakfast. Much like I had never watched a B rated movie called Mondo Burger until a few months ago. Yet, after being indoctrinated into Mondo Burger Heaven I chuckle to myself all the time thinking about how absurd this was to watch only to remember that it was done for my little guy who I nicked named Mondo Boy.

I forgot what it was like to be a little kid until this summer. It is so easy as an adult to impose my will on those around me, especially kids and teens. I have all the power and money to make something happen or to stop something from happening. So what is wrong with eating sugar on your rice? Can’t I have my Flaming Hot Cheetos with my dinner, lunch and breakfast? The classic would be can’t I download another free game to the iPad? I would always come back and say you already have over 100 games on the pad do you really need this one too? The response would be YES I couldn’t live without this new game because it is so cool!

I know the truest test of a relationship and the power it has is not when you are with that person but when you are separated. I usually don’t cry too often but last night I was in tears and hurt. I knew that I would have to say good-bye to some special younger friends, which I wanted to do in person and not through a note or another person. Life doesn’t always play fair. It is easy to say that in the big picture that God is in control, which I totally believe, yet, during the moment I felt empty and alone, regardless of who was sitting next to me.

I won’t necessarily miss cleaning up the messes, looking for lost shoes, belts or hiding the flaming hots because they make messes but will miss the smiles, silly expressions and games we played at night before going to bed. Yeah, I’m trying to persuade myself that everything is going to be ok for my Mondo Boy but I’m crying as I’m writing this.

I can remember as a teen with girl friend issues that the easiest way to move on was to get another girlfriend that would help me forget. Yet, I don’t want to forget my little friends, as I stay busy so I don’t cry all of the time. I will always remember how my mom would put us to bed at night and pray with us. I had a dad who flew B-52’s during the Vietnam War and I never knew whether he would come home. I was at times fearful that my mom would get that phone call or visit while she was pregnant with my youngest brother. Yet, none of that ever happened and I was able to live through some pretty rough times. So I know that tomorrow will be better even though it might not be exactly what I want.

So will I start putting syrup on my scrambled or fried eggs? Maybe J I will watch Mondo Burger soon but won’t put barbeque sauce on my steak though.

The Power of the Past

I know that there are a lot of quotes I could pull out that talk about learning from the past. Many would say that if we don’t study the past that it is bound to repeat itself which in the context of racism and political dictatorship can be fatal for many. Over the last year I’ve had an incredible experience reconnecting with friends from my youth. I know that without social media this wouldn’t happen. I moved too often as a youth to mentally set roots anywhere. So for some reason I had a mental block about returning to where I lived for half of my high school years. My dad was in the Air Force, which equated to moving every few years.

What has been amazing is to have the past be pictured in my mind’s eye and realize how someone I haven’t talked to in 40 years played a significant role in my life journey with figuring out my life passion. Yet, as I rack my brain I remember that I never had the opportunity to say thanks to those who stepped out of their comfort zone to befriend me and walk with me through my later teen years. It is too easy to ignore the past whether it is viewed as beneficial or toxic.

I did have an incredible childhood and teenhood because of having parents that cared and did the normal things of life in an extraordinary fashion. As I have spent a good portion of my life working with youth and adults who come out of marginalized settings I realize how blessed and rich I am to have had parents that went the extra mile as if it was the norm all of the time. So as I have reconnected with some of my ‘Jesus Freak ‘ friends I’m humbled to think how God used these friends to shape my life.

Do you ever wonder why you have a passion for certain things and distaste for other things in life? I can remember being someone in high school that liked science and saw myself becoming a research type of person until I met this group of passionate Jesus Freaks who lived out their faith in God in a very compassionate and driven fashion. It was through their living example that I gained a passion for people and also for better understanding life. I really hadn’t considered myself to be someone that would have a passion for ‘book learning’, yet this is what happened through this rather unusual group of friends. We would spend hours and hours studying not just the Bible but also other books that went from hard-core atheist types to modern day theologians and philosophers. Yet, what was truly amazing was that we took our learning onto the streets to connect with people!

My point in writing this blog is to first thank these special friends who I most likely won’t see except for posts on FB or LinkedIn. I confess that it is way too easy to be caught up in the busy mode and just not take the time to reconnect regardless of who initiates. So my encouragement and challenge to everyone is to take the time to look back over the years and say thanks to the few that help push you and mold you into the person you are today. Some of these special friends were parents that opened up their hearts and homes to me and through this impacted my view of life and adults.

How can you say thanks to someone from 40 years ago? I know that it can become an obsession to be connected 24-7 but at least try to remember and reconnect with those that were and could still be special in your life!