Getting Old?

I got smashed yesterday with a good friend. Yeah we went to Smashburger and I had a Swiss Mushroom Burger. As we caught up after not seeing each other for around a month he shared about his vacation and more so his experience of being with his dad as he died. We talked a little about our journeys as pastors and whether or not either of us had been with people when they actually died.  He had to be honest and share that he hadn’t until his dad went to glory a few weeks ago.

I had a few experiences of being with some when they died. I have had the privilege of being around many who are believers who have awesome families that made their home coming to heaven an amazing experience both for them and also for the family. I also shared what it was like to be around older people who are bitter and angry at the world. I remembered being with a friend’s aunts and mom when they all died over a period of a year. It was a very sad and dark experience showing the hopelessness of those who are outside the kingdom of God.

I lost my mom to cancer almost five years ago. We share the same birthday so as I approach my B-day it is a reminder for me of my mom and how special she was to my brothers and me over the years. I know that for my friend Phil having his vacation stopped because of an ailing dad was very difficult. The fact that he was with his dad while in hospice for 2 weeks is a life changing experience. The reality is that all of us are getting old and that death is part of life. I know we want to avoid that topic especially when we are old and I’m getting old. I can’t fathom that I’m almost 60 years old. I can remember as a young college student thinking that being in my 20’s or 30’s was old.

I had a special morning with my Anne. We got up a little earlier, the dogs started  moving around and it is better to go on the canal early instead of when the joggers and other dog walkers are out. The moon was a crescent shape with only a little showing and the lights of the city were illuminating our path. There was also a helicopter that was stationary for 10 minutes obviously shinning it’s light on someone. The dogs always disappear into the darkness or the cotton, which is now around 3 feet tall. As we walked hand in hand I realized how fortunate I have been the last 39 years of my life to have such an amazing life-partner and soul mate.

As I had lunch at Smashburger we talked about death experiences. My friend Phil has a propensity of talking about unusual experiences that typically get us talking about spiritual moments that are outside the norm. So he shared a few things about his dad that were very much a reflection of someone that knew he was going to die and was prepared to meet Jesus. He had some moments where unexplainable things happened. I can remember when my mom died; I wasn’t there but my dad called me within minutes. My dad was ecstatic at the heavenly beings that welcomed my mom to her new heavenly home.

So as I approach my B-day it will be more a time to remember and celebrate the life of an amazing mom who was truly a friend, life coach and support. I turn into a crybaby at times as I talk about her. I can’t fathom that I started to cry at Smashburger with Phil. Yet, my mom was the ‘light’ of my life. Yes, we talked about whether we thought about which parent would die first and our response. I really didn’t expect my mom to leave us at the age of 78 but it was part of God’s plan.

Mom, I love you, miss you and wonder whether birthdays are part of life in heaven in God’s glorious kingdom? I know that we are not going to age with our new bodies whereas my old body is still pretty good for today but that could change tomorrow. I am super blessed to have an amazing wife, kids and family. 

Why?

I confess that I get frustrated and ticked at times when too many of my kids and their mom’s don’t do anything! I can’t fathom what it would be like to be unemployed and destitute. I also can’t understand how incredibly frustrating it would be for a teen to have a parent that can’t keep a job, is always moving between friends and always has ready made excuses for everything. I grew up with two parents that were always there for me. We always had a nice home and lots of friends around us that lent to have normal be something that was awesome looking back. I know that my parents fought on occasion but I never had the challenge of being evicted from a house or apartment and having no place to go or having my dad or mom just vaporize.

I had a call from a recruiter lady yesterday that had great news for one of my moms. Yes, you have a good job if you will call back, officially accept it and be ready to go on Monday. The challenge is that the mom’s phone is turned off, she doesn’t return messages from her daughter, or me so what will happen? If I were to talk to this individual in any form or fashion she would react to me by saying this is none of your business, even though I have housed, clothed and fed her kids often over the last 6 years.

I have another teen in my group who always ends up not enrolled in school. He has a temper and tends to overact to most people around him. So it is easy to seem him suspended during the first week of school. Last year he ended up at a prison like school that had herculean like security that had to frisk you and keep anything you brought to school. They actually had Social Workers for all of the students. This was a behavioral school so they actually had permission from the parents and the state to physically control the students.

It has now been 5 weeks since school started and my teen is still not enrolled. The excuses range from I can’t go back to my old school because I’ll get into a fight. I ask the obvious did you talk to your main teacher and social worker about this??? NO. Why not? The response is always I can’t go back I’ll get in trouble and then end up in jail or detention. I have bugged him almost everyday the last few weeks with no response. He had attempted to do an online school out of Florida but it requires that you follow through, i.e. mom calls and talks to admin person. I know this won’t happen.

Last night during tutoring I have a new mom, who is African American that is helping out and is bringing her teen gals. I have placed some of my African American teens with her because she understands their circumstances and recently came to faith and also lost a son to gang violence. I loved watching her asking questions and listening. The reality, which is sad, it is so much easier to do nothing, make excuses and stay in the same situation. I can’t fathom that I would accept this type of situation but most of these teens don’t have a choice.

Yeah, I got frustrated, mad, ticked off, pissed off, your name it as I watch too many throw their lives away because an adult that should actively be there is too busy doing nothing but has no time for their kid. I’m thankful for this one mom who is helping make a difference with God’s help and powerful presence.  

Got a Job? Mitch did!

I live in a world that is clearly defined by those who have and those who don’t. I have enjoyed watching both conventions the last couple of weeks and one of the obvious short comings in today’s economy is the lack of entry level jobs for high school grads. I know that we are suffering from a shortage of skilled labor and scientific experts but for my neighborhood it comes down to getting your first or second job. I have many friends who don’t balk at all for paying $1000 a month for health care when they come close to their retirement. Most of my friends I live around don’t have $30 a month for health care. They are making $12-15 an hour with no benefits except having a job and are attempting to house and feed a family of 4-6.

As I sit at my Starbucks writing I’m reminded at how much money I waste and others toss to the wind. Yeah, I decided to get a tall which means small coffee, which is the cheapest, I also get free refills. Yet, the challenge still comes back to finding a job and being able to keep it and hopefully make it work into a future or career. I know that a few of my guys have struggled with finding jobs. My other son, Terrance, has seriously tried looking for work but something with his size, he’s real big, his hairstyle and his bouncy friendly overtones puts a damper on his ability to get hired.

We did a job life skill group during the summer and will continue it through the school with the focus of helping our older teens get it. Yeah, I’m responsible for myself and I can’t blame anyone or thing for my mess. It is too easy to let anger and bad feelings stop you from succeeding. I know that Terrance kinda gave up a year ago and has been able to ‘fake’ it a little with the tuition help he gets for school. Last week we had a close friend, Harmony, share her story about having a tough life, growing up with no dad, a mom that ends up on drugs and the step dad from hell. Yet, she still finished college, got great jobs and in the end was there for her mom regardless of her mom’s situation.

My Anne has had steady employment for most of her life. She has been in transitions, like right now, just after having a temp job for a year, which was a byproduct of her job of 13 years being outsourced. So I understand that looking for work requires consistent effort and a special ‘nose’ for smelling out leads. So as we talk about marginalized youth finding work it is totally different. They don’t have the Internet, or laptops to help in their search. They also don’t have ‘wheels’ or even a bus card that can guarantee them arriving on time to work.

I am jazzed that one of my teens, Mitch, just got a job at McDonalds. I know that McDonalds hires all of the time so getting a job shouldn’t be a big deal, yet it is a big deal. I know I had mentioned Terrance who has gone to the same McDonalds as Mitch but didn’t get hired. Terrance does have prior experience working at a McD’s at the Ball Park so go figure. So Mitch followed our simple advice, apply online, go to the store and then talk with the real manager. He did this and within minutes he had an interview, went crazy trying to get his ‘Food Handlers License’ and then got hired.

Ok, so I have a few teens that prove that persistence and hard work pays off. It also has a lot to do with their willingness to go the extra mile to make it happen. I can’t say that everyone understands this. It is too easy to stop trying on the inside so even though you keep looking for work you aren’t emotionally into it at all. So I’m excited that Tay and Mitch are working, learning and growing up every day. I know that having a job is a huge part of life that can either be an amazing joy that fuels you or the biggest downer because you don’t like your boss or fellow workers and you haven’t gotten a raise in years. I’m thankful for my job career and calling! I’m spoiled to be able to do what I totally love. 

Tough LIfe?

I know that looking back at my life I had it easy. I didn’t live through a divorce or an abusive dad or any real crisis. I grew up in a middle class family where I usually got anything that I wanted. Yeah, my younger brother would say that I was the spoiled one that got everything I wanted and he was always left out. I on the other hand would say that I was the one who got a job in the 10^th grade and actually had 4 jobs during my high school summers that enabled me to buy my first car. I could brag and say that I actually paid for my Fiat Spider all by myself and that the parents didn’t help at all. The simple facts are that both of my brothers and I grew up in a great home where we received the normal love and understanding of two parents.

Last night we had a good friend who is our daughter’s friend and age share about her life story. The group of teens that listened and watched this good friend share assumed that because she was ‘White’ that she couldn’t ever have had any problems like they are experiencing in their lives right now. I knew a little about Harmony’s life but never expected to hear the ‘real’ story to such an extent that all of the teens had their eyes glued to her as she shared.

Most of the kids we have in our group come out of tough circumstances where there is typically a single parent who has always struggled with providing the necessities in life. So as Harmony shared her story she dove right into the fact that her dad disappeared when she was very young and didn’t care about her at all. This clearly got the attention of some of the teens. They quickly asked how she felt about him and whether she was still mad at him for never being there. She continued to share stories about him eventually wanting to connect to a story about him not following through.

My wife will remind me not to reveal or focus too much on the bad stuff. Yet, as Harmony shared her story, it was a series of really tough things that forced her and the brothers to grow up way too soon. I can’t fathom having a mom that remarries a guy who pulls her into drugs and then is abusive to all. I was raised in a very loving and caring environment where I never questioned my parent’s ability to relate to each other and then to be consistent with loving us and providing for us. The reality for our young friend is that she watched her mom go down hill and then eventually was kicked out of the house for not helping pay the rent at the age of 15.

I know what it is like to be around people who have a tough outer shell and are very slow to let others see their pain. What shocked me was how our friend was totally honest and allowed a few of our teens to see her pain and hurt which is still there. The question came from a few who had ‘deadbeat’ dads or moms that never followed through. How am I suppose to respect someone who is never there or has never provided for me as a young kid growing up? Harmony didn’t have any easy answers for any of these questions and the pain that they truly represented.

I could have listened for hours to her story. I had no idea how much had happened to her even since we had met 6 years ago. Eventually her mom leaves the step-dad who has been horrible to all. Harmony moves to Phoenix because of her older brother and gets involved with doing work in the Juvenile Detention Center where she meets our daughter. It is through her work with harden youth that I believe God begins to soften her heart to help her better understand living with brokenness and what has to happen to become whole again.

The story comes to a crisis with her mom having a heart attack that forces her and the older brother to go visit mom who lives in Chicago. The bottom line is that Harmony and her brother really hadn’t ever worked through anything with their mom who had hurt both of them in serious ways. Yet, they were there at her bedside as it became clear that she wasn’t going to recover and would die from her stroke soon. I could see the real desire of Harmony to talk with her mom both about the bad stuff and how she had chosen to not be like her parents. The sad fact is that her mom never regained consciousness and died the following day after they arrived. The step dad was furious at them for making decisions without his input, even though they had been divorced for sometime.

Harmony came back to Phoenix a broken and very upset person. It was through a friend’s invite to attend church that she slowly discovered the arms of a loving God who had been there her whole life but she had never experienced a peace that helped her put everything into perspective. She was quick to say that the past still hurts and that nothing had been fixed but she was able to rise above that with God’s help. As we finished with watching the dust storm continue with the potential of rain all of us were ‘shell shocked’ at what she had experienced in her life.

My hope and prayer was truly answered because Harmony shared from her heart and didn’t hold anything back. I knew that a few of my teens could see that there is hope in their circumstances that seemed pretty much the same as this ‘White Girl’ that looked like she had everything together. We picked up the outside furniture at this Starbucks and neatly stacked everything inside the store. I handed Harmony a gift card for a frap or latte, as a thank you for helping a few see that life can get better when you trust God. 

I Should Never Laugh at My Wife!

Yesterday was one of those classic days. There is always too much to do typically. We have been in the middle of recovering from Anne’s surgery; my dad’s hospital and rehab stay and move to his new place and now Anne’s mom will have her long awaited hip surgery. After Anne lost her job a few months ago so we have been shopping for new medical insurance. So yesterday we were excited that we got coverage quickly through one of the better know companies. We had been quoted a reasonable price or at least affordable at present.

I had just gotten home after meeting with someone and noticed Anne talking on the phone. Initially she sounded calm and collected. Then all of a sudden I hear her raise her voice and start saying things, which are so un-Anneish. She quickly goes outside and shuts the sliding glass door. I could hear her shouting back to the insurance rep how anyone could afford $1000 a month for lousy coverage. I was more focused on her finishing up the tutoring boxes for the coming start of the year session last night. As she got off the phone I could tell that she was really upset and ready to do something crazy.

She did finish sorting through our mound of last year supplies for tutoring but I could tell her focus was on how inept the salesperson had been and even just as ticked at the supervisor who tried to explain to her about pre-existing conditions and why they raised her rate 80%. Never the less, she was almost ready to ‘kill someone’. So I’m thankful that one of our teens, who has lived with us in the past, happened to be over and helped her cool down.

We had a great ‘kick off’ with our tutoring year with a good blend of returning tutors and new helpers. We are very fortunate to have college students that will help out from ASU and GCU. The key, which really was a gift for Anne, is that all of the tutors did an amazing job with their students and everyone, yes everyone actually did homework and finished. After having a blow up afternoon it was such a blessing to have a great finish to the day.

We got back to the house and only had a couple of kids who left something in the van. So we decided to take the dogs for a walk and drag along our teen who was spending the night because her place didn’t have power. (It would be a rather hot night for our teen without any AC.) The great news in the middle of all of this was something even more important; Anne’s mom is finally going to have her hip replacement surgery on Saturday. They had been told it wouldn’t happen until November and the wait was weighing on them. Anne was more concerned about her mom getting her surgery sooner than anything else.

God is so great that even in the midst of what appears to be a bad day great things happen. Sometimes it might seem that God sets all of this up to show us to trust him more and be less quick to over-react. I usually try not to laugh at my Anne when she loses it because she turn on me and I could become a statistic for South Phoenix. Headlines, “Pastor’s Wife loses it and stabs her husband.” Fortunately no headlines and I’m still alive!