Don’t forget your grandparents or parents!

This last week I remembered and celebrated both of my parent’s heavenly home coming and their 65th wedding anniversary. It’s been 10 years since my left us not under the best circumstances. She had battled cancer for over 8 years. Her initial diagnosis and surgery left her in good condition only taking an oral drug. My mom and I shared the same birthday so this meant something special to me considering the odds of being born on the same day! The funny thing is that for some odd reason as a kid growing up she lived under the illusion that her b-day was the day after mine. It wasn’t until she applied for her Social Security at 65 that she discovered the mistake.

As I’ve become a grandparent recently, my mom and dad’s amazing characteristics become reminders of how I want to be as a grandparent. I know that it’s very difficult in today’s busy world of social media and a vast array of world crisis happening to intentionally make time for your kids and their kids. Sadly, too many allow time to fly by and you realize that your kids are now out of the nest and have moved to a different city and you must plan to see them. (This requires some financial forethought.) I’m fortunate to have all of mine still in our area!!

I had the privilege of speaking at a generational church yesterday to a congregation that ranged from little kids to slowly moving grandparents. What struck me as I spoke at 2 services and an adult class was the ongoing opportunity to be better at connecting with seniors in a practical fashion. I’m so blessed to have the awesome gift of walking with many grandmas and grandpas to see the community stand up and do something heart driven that makes a difference.

I joked a little about how difficult it has been through the generations for the youngings to relate back to their grandparents. Sadly, the perception is that old people are cranky, complain all the time and seem not to care. The reality is that young people are crude, rude and foul mouthed. Yet, the real need is to have both groups lighten up a bunch and see their opportunity to have special friends. I’m totally blessed with a group of grandmas and grandpas that have become genuine friends over the last decade.

So, is it possible for both younger and older generations to look beyond our quirks and walk together instead of arguing about ‘dumb’ stuff? I caught myself yesterday reacting to a grandpa who said a few things during my presentation that just reflected his love of the past. I was good and didn’t say anything. Yet, I know it so easy for the upcoming generation to flout their tech savvy skills and make seniors look totally out of touch.

Is it possible to set aside our petty differences and be family? I know it’s very possible and I must start the move to reach back to both young and old!

Family! That’s what changes a neighborhood!

One of the most important ways of empowering an individual is knowing their name, remembering it and becoming a friend. I tire of well-intentioned people showing an interest in helping but for personal biases end up sadly with an us vs them mindset. I admit that it’s rather easy to have a heart that can be patronizing but still not be at a place where you intentionally walk with a new friend and just as important choose to be with them which equates to moving into their neighborhood. (Contrast Jesus moving from Heaven to Earth to be in our neighborhood! John 1:14)

I appreciate the need to understand cultures, people groups and racial differences to be better equipped to do neighborhood work and live in our world. Yet, in my experience the best way to embrace and engage a community is to actually choose to live in the neighborhood. Naively it’s easy to think that it’s a ‘piece of cake’ to fit into to a new community, yet, it takes years of living, working, playing, worshiping, struggling and just being there to become part of the fabric.

I’ve been asked by many friends outside my community how much longer I’m going to do neighborhood work. This is a very emotional, difficult topic to address. I love my kids, teens, grandmas and single moms so it’s almost impossible to imagine not living here forever! I’m so blessed and fortunate to have friends who adopt you into their families!

What has to happen for someone to make you family? I will always remember having a friend in our group intentionally name their son after my son and choose to use our last name for their little guy’s last name. The journey that is required to be family is your willingness, availability to just be there 24-7! It’s choosing to let things that could push you apart to not matter. This isn’t easy in today’s racially, politically, religiously divided world. It’s so easy to look at our differences that what draws us together.

I know that too often in my circle of Christian friends it’s sad that our theological differences seem to determine at times whether we can be real friends, besties or buds. I know that when someone has my back it makes it so much easier to watch theirs. Yet, too often we allow the myth that homogeneity is the norm for everything. We want to shop where everyone looks like us. We want our kids to attend schools where everyone has the same skin color, is monolingual and likes the same football team.

I live in the 5^th or 6^th largest city in our beautiful country. What’s amazing to me is that I can make new friends who have no idea that Phoenix is a diverse global city. The opportunity is for you to drive out of your garage onto the freeway of the world and see your larger neighborhood. The unfortunate face is that most stay in their homogeneous neighborhood to assume that everyone in the Valley of the Sun is the same. Amazingly the Starbucks I frequent every day is international in its’ coffee addicts!

The opportunity is to stop keeping people, kids, seniors at a distance and instead choose to become a friend, learn about what it was like living in Phoenix in the 50’s as a Black young woman who actually picked cotton. (Meet Ms. Martha who is 90 and one of my neighborhood grandmas.)

Family is everything!

Stop it!! Don’t gossip period!!

I catch myself too often in the middle of thinking I’m being sensitive and helping someone only to discover that I’ve broken someone’s confidence. I didn’t intentionally seek to gossip or trash talk but it happened. Last night I received a message from a good friend who I do respect that was losing it because a couple of close friends had trash talked behind this individual’s back. I had recently watched all of these individuals together actually helping each other.

So why do we continue to bash and attack those that are close to us? I totally get why I might attack someone who I view as a competitor or someone that I honestly don’t like. Yet, the fallacy in all of this is I and others truly believe that by gossiping or pretending to help by putting down that we are actually building ourselves up? How’s it possible to be into deconstructionism and think that it’s actually going to help anyone?

I experienced one of the most humbling and tragic events in my life when a few in my leadership core decided I was no longer their ‘guy’. When I first heard this, it was shocking and numbing. The aftermath was a soul-searching time and a reflection on a few friends who had gone behind my back to do something they believed was best for all. I know that looking back over the last 12 years I admit that I had a lot to do with the disconnect amongst a small group. Yet, what hurt was knowing that a few had chosen to strategize my demise and didn’t do this eyeball to eyeball.

Ultimately, I didn’t learn how to be more venerable from this circumstance but more guarded especially around close friends and even my family. Who wants to be exposed as a failure or the ‘wrong guy’? Yes, I’ve learned since to be bolder, depend on the Lord more and never be ashamed of who I am. My younger friend who was hurt by a few friends is still hurt, upset and angry. Big picture is why do we continue to tear down those who we appear to care about and love?

My mom would always remind me that if I didn’t have anything nice to say about someone then don’t say anything it all. Verbally abusing someone will never make anyone a better person but only hurt all of those involved.

So, stop talking unless it’s going to build up another person. Silence sometimes can be golden!