Respect - something from the past?

I grew up in a military home where my dad taught me the mindset of yes sir or no sir or yes mam or no mam. Why does it seem like we are birthing a generation where respect and a sense of honor is lost? I will be the first to confess that I grew up as someone that didn’t want to be a clone of my dad’s military or authoritarian life style. I was quick to say don’t trust anyone who is significantly older than you.

I live in a multi-cultural world where respect for anyone is a journey that takes not months but probably years for someone to gain your trust or where you can be trusted. I am starting to get the importance of taking the time to build relationships. It is through this journey of relationship building that trust and respect start to happen. The challenge is that it takes time and there are no short cuts.

As I drive around for a good portion of my day it is always upsetting to see people of all ages toss trash out of their car as they are driving. You can imagine that my Anne or I might go ballistic when one of our kids or teens tosses something out of one of our vehicles. I know that even Terrance, who helps a lot, gets bugged when he notices a paper wrapper being tossed. I have traveled to Asia and witnessed the same careless placement of trash. I can remember going on an expensive boat ride in Bangkok Thailand. I was taken back when a family that seemed middle class tossed all of their lunch left overs literally overboard into the river.

It’s not that I’m totally becoming ‘green’ but it’s more with how we treat older members of our own families, churches and neighbors that is bugging me. Yeah, I admit that I’m getting older and at times am surprised when one of my teens says yes sir or no sir. It is too easy to act like they must be from a different planet. So what determines whether someone growing up has an appreciation for the elderly or seeing an opportunity to help someone with a door that needs to be held open or someone that willfully picks up someone else’s’ trash.

Is thoughtfulness something that we naturally just do? I think it is learned through our parents, friends and larger family. I believe that random acts of kindness will change the world. The challenge is that most of us live with the mindset of waiting for someone else to act first before we purposely do anything. It would be so much nicer if we got into a contest to see who could do more with showing kindness than waiting for someone else to step up and make a difference.

Last night in our mentor group we were talking about respect and the impact of being disrespectful. It was clear that everyone understood the importance of being respectful but the reality that it is very difficult to respect those who aren’t worthy of your respect. One of our interns, a former Army Sargent, shared about the difficultly of respecting a senior officer who wasn’t deserving of respect, yet you have to respect the ‘office’ or ‘rank’.

The real discussion revolved around parents or guardians who tell their kids to do certain things and then they go ahead and break all of the rules. Obviously no one likes someone who is two faced and lives a double life. We talked about the fact that God wants us to honor or respect our parents as a way of respecting him. The challenge is that it is too easy to react at times to parents who are unreasonable. We also talked about the fact that it is also easy for teens or young adults to also live ‘hidden’ lives where we live a lie and pretend to be nice and kind and respectful when we are far from that.

I’m so appreciative of my dad’s way of teaching me respect. He didn’t bark out commands or scream at me when I did something stupid. He just lived it and as a little kid growing up I saw it being modeled. So think about holding the door open for someone with his or her hands full. Also think about how you talk and look at someone. It might make the difference for that person having a great day or a so so day. 

Miss You Mom!

This last week was both the 5^th anniversary of my mom’s home coming to heaven and my parent’s 61^st anniversary. I have thought a lot about the legacy my mom has left for my brothers, my family and me over the last 5 years. It is very difficult at times to not have my mom’s cancer be what ‘sticks’ out in my mind. My parents were rather typical 60’s family where my dad was always the ‘bread winner’ and my mom was at home taking care of us.

My dad has been more a part of my life over the last 3 years as we moved him from San Diego to Phoenix. My dad had been my mom’s caregiver over a decade during my mom’s battle with cancer. A good portion of that time my mom was in remission and able to travel and be part of our family. Over the last 3 years of her life she was unable to travel and lived primarily in their living room on the couch.

I can think back to my life as the son of an Air Force Officer who was privileged to live on a variety of Air Force Bases over my 18 years of being a youth. My mom was the initiator type that always pushed me to do more, be thoughtful and show respect to everyone. My dad was gone during the Vietnam Crisis so most of my teen years my dad was stationed in Guam or Okinawa as he flew B-52s.

My mom was very out going and loved to give her opinion whether it was appreciated or not. She truly cared about the people around her and noticed the little things that mattered. She taught me threw example to be a ‘good Samaritan’ type of person. She wasn’t necessarily a theological whiz but understood Biblical principles so as a kid growing up I understood the importance of putting God first and family second. (This doesn’t mean that I always followed this example.)

My mom was a person of routine or habit that did give me or my brothers a choice when it came to getting up early, getting ready for school or whatever and always having breakfast together. She would be appalled at how most families don’t do breakfast together and meal times are spent more around the T.V. or video games. I can remember when my dad was gone during my younger brother’s birth that it was even more important to be a family together. She would always read the Bible to us at night and we would pray together saying the Lord’s Prayer.

I can remember my mom clashing with me when I was graduating from High School. I was going away for a long weekend camping trip with a few of my friends from school. I had told my boss, Mr. Brock who owned Brock’s Ice Cream, that all of us were going away for a weekend trip to celebrate. I couldn’t fathom that Brock forgot and calls up my house to see where I was. I will always remember asking my mom to fudge a little and tell him that I wasn’t home when he called. He actually did remember we were leaving on a trip but wanted me or Rusty to come in and do some work before we left. I was in a rebellious mood so I pushed mom to lie for me.

Yes, I regret doing this because for the following 35 years of my life she would always bring this up. I do confess that my dad was the softie and my mom was the disciplinarian in our family. I was only really spanked one time after playing ‘hooky’ from kindergarten because of the blonde girl that sat behind me was always trying to kiss me. I will remember for the rest of my life the 2 days I cut school and hide in the bushes until my dad left for work. I’m not sure how I avoided my mom those couple of days. It was on the third day after the teacher had talked to my parents that they out smarted me and caught me hiding in the bushes when I was supposed to be walking to school.

My mom was an amazing help when our daughter Heather was born premature. We were still in college and Heather literally popped out 3 months early. We were literally transported from our coastal paradise in San Luis Obispo to the San Francisco Area. Heather lived the first year of her life at Mt. Zion Hospital in a bad part of the city. It was my mom who drove with my Anne almost every day for a year.

I know that because of being the oldest the perception from my middle brother was that I received preferential treatment over the years. I saw it more as being the one that stepped up to help always received special perks that were my payoff for being a helper type. I know that my mom’s death has left a lasting impression on my brothers who are both very different. It is difficult for guys to open their mouths and share what is inside. I catch myself thinking about my mom and tears always start to flow.

My relationship with my mom is now seen in how I treat my dad and my learning curve for helping him with his Dementia. It has been a difficult couple of years as we have figured out the best place for grandpa to live and how to be his friend. It is at times like this that I really miss my mom and wish she could be here to help love on my dad. So it wasn’t a hardship yesterday to kidnap my dad from his senior care center and go to the Tempe Aquarium at the mall. He had a great time and was quick to say thanks. I don’t know whether he will remember doing this today or tomorrow but I know mom is appreciative.

How can you say thanks to your mom for all of the love and care she gave you? I’m discovering that how I treat my dad, my wife, my kids and those around me is how God wants me to thank her. Love you mom!

Dave's Not Mad Anymore - Find Out Why

This last Saturday we took we a group of our little guys hiking at South Mountain. We did the Summit Trail, which means we hiked 2 miles up and then 2 miles back down. We gained approximately 1,300 feet elevation. What was amazing was that all of the little kids but the littlest made it to the top! The weather is changing in Phoenix so it was actually a little chilly as we walked along the dirt and rock trail.

What was exciting about this hike was that we had Pee Pee and his brothers back with us. The mom, who had taken her kids back from grandma, has decided to let them be involved with New City activities. She didn’t move to the far west side but lives on the South Side like the rest of us. So what has happened is that grandma gets the guys on the weekends and a few nights a week depending upon what is happening.

It seems like only yesterday that we painted Mrs. Jefferson’s house who in turn led me to paint the sisters, Sarah, Glenda and Ruby’s houses almost 4 years ago. I can remember when little Pee was really little, like only 2 years old. He was always running around half naked without much on and had this habit, much to Grandma’s dismay of taking off his diaper. Yet, as we hiked up the summit trail of South Mountain on Saturday it was  Pee that raced along the trail with all of the other little guys.

I’m proud of all my little guys who are seeing that life is in God’s hands as they hang out with many of our volunteers who really care about them big time. I know that I can’t adopt all of them, even though I think my Anne thinks I’ll bring home a few and hide them. My real prayer is that their mom will continue to learn, grow and become the best mom for them with a grandma that can help on occasion.  I know that these guys will always come out of the woodwork if I drive my van or truck on their street.

Our ultimate goal is to help the family be the family. We aren’t there to take the place of the family, even though at times that happens. It was exciting hiking to the top with the little guys who had a blast. So a big thanks to all of you who prayed for the little guys after reading my blog a few months ago. God is at work and as my Anne would say the little “Hellians” are starting to get it and grow up. 

Great Cookies!

I was having lunch with a young adult in my group yesterday who is struggling to finish his G.E.D. and get his first real job. I can understand some of his heartache and pain but as we talked he seemed to understand that he needed to step up and do something different. He is someone that is typical in my neighborhood. He grew up in a single parent home, his mom rocks but with some disadvantages that make it difficult for him to focus and finish.

I work with many youth and adults who struggle with knowing how to focus and finish anything except their video game or latest post on Facebook. I know that as we sat at Smashburger eating lunch and talking that I could tell that he was a little discouraged after applying to a few jobs and getting literally no response – zero. So I asked the usual questions about first impressions with how did you dress, what was your attitude that day, did you shave, shower, look good and smell nice?  

He was still studying for his G.E.D. so I encourage him to make a goal of getting it done like in a couple of weeks. Otherwise finding a job during the Christmas Season won’t happen. I asked him by Monday to go online or go to the college and see how much it cost to take the test, whether he could pass a couple of sections and retake the math section if he bombed. I quickly texted him a reminder about doing this by Monday with the offer of paying for the test if he took it within a week.

I know that my friend won’t win high marks for first impressions because of being bi-racial and someone that can come across with an attitude. So I jokingly said that we needed to do a makeover on him to so he can be positioned to succeed and not shoot himself in the foot with his first interview or meeting a manager in a store or restaurant.

As we were finishing tutoring last night one of our new volunteers, a seasoned mom, hands out her brownies and cookies. You could instantly tell these were just not a hit but the best most of the kids had tasted in their lifetime. Talk about making first impressions and winning the hearts or I should say stomachs of everyone. I would only hope that my friend Nate would see the great example of this mom who went the extra mile to love on some kids with her favorite cookie receipe. How is it possible that we can get to the 100^th level of a video game but when it comes to being dressed right and mentally up for a job interview we bomb?

Pray for my friend that he would step up and study, take his G.E.D. test and then start looking for work in a passionate way. I know that God has a great first job for him once he follows through with the basics. 

Helping without Hurting?

Anne and I love being with new friends and also with old friends. We had a great time this last weekend hanging out with a new couple, who are volunteering with our tutoring program. They are close to us in age and have adult kids that are a little younger than our kids. I had initially tested them to see if they were really adventurous and asked if they would consider doing Ethiopian food. I knew that the response might be a no, so I also suggested another usual place that is in urban downtown Phoenix – Cibo. (This is a cool pizzeria that is in an older house with an incredible outside dinning area.)

It is always a lot of fun making new friends who seem like old friends after talking for a couple of hours. You realize that life is a journey where all of us have different stories but we share lots in common. The evening progressed until the wife asks a personal question about the kids they have been helping. It was an excellent question, which she didn’t have to feel any remorse in asking. We started to talk about boundaries and how to be part of these kid’s lives without taking the place of their parents. It was a good but very difficult conversation because there aren’t any quick answers to the circumstances of those who have grown up in marginalized neighborhoods and don’t have much in the way of role models.

The guys also admitted that it is easy to come across as the guy with the big bucks who wants to buy someone’s attention and heart. This is a tough topic to discuss because everyone has a soft spot for those in tough circumstances, especially little kids who don’t have much. So we dialogued about what does it look like to help someone without creating a dependency that is unhealthy. Again, this was an important conversation but not easy to come up with specifics that work.

Just as I’m writing this I discover that the mom who is living with has lost her job. It has nothing to do with her but the reality that it was a temporary position that came to an end sooner then expected. We have allowed her and her daughter to live with us for the last month or so with the expectation that the mom would find permanent housing and not see our house as a means to party on the weekend. I have struggled with knowing how to talk with this mom in this present circumstance. Anne and I have had houseguests more often than not over the last 5 years. So we are ready to have our house back for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I know that it will seem rather cruel to ask this mom and her daughter to leave in a couple of weeks after the loss of a job. I know that our goal is to help everyone figure out their way of making it happen. It is very tough in today’s job market to find permanent employment. Many within our group get special help with housing, food and medical help. The challenge for someone in a tough situation is when you have lost your ability to get these special extras. So I’m at a loss to know what to do next but to continue praying, talking with lots of friends and asking the same for this mom. When someone asks me for help I always ask where is there family in this situation? What happened to all of their friends? Unfortunately, the response I usually get is one where too many bridges have been burned and there aren’t any open doors at present.

I know that seeing a person’s attitude and heart change and become more open to learning and being different is a key to seeing tomorrow become a better day. Yet, I also know that too many end up in the same circumstance day after day because of not listening or learning. My simple cry is for my Heavenly Father to help me with wisdom to know how to handle this situation.