Godly Common Sense

I have been doing a series on Proverbs 14 looking at Godly common sense. I know that we live in a society where common sense seems to be a thing of the past. Too often you hear people saying things that you can't believe. I'm listening to one of the more quiet songs of one of my teens yesterday and it was highlighting, I'm not sure the lyricist saw this as positive, the statistics of today's world i.e. how long before you dump your present live in because we don't believe any more in marriage or conflict resolution. Reality check is that this is what comes across on social media, which typically is negative and definitely worse then 'trash' talk on the Basketball Court. 

I was raised by a mom, that drilled into me that if I didn't have anything nice to say then don’t say anything. I know that it is very difficult for most, myself included, not to respond to negative talk with something similar when reacting. I know it is relatively easy to make demands on others but not as easy to follow through yourself. My mom also made it a habit to say ‘practice what you preach’. My problem, which I think is still the norm today, I believe is an attitude of ‘Whatever’ or who cares. I grew up in the rebellious days of the later 60’s and early 70’s. Yes I can remember Woodstock and protestors from the Vietnam War.

I have intentionally chosen to work with people, kids and teens who don’t necessarily understand the simple concept of saying thank you or being appreciative of help. My mom would again say in different ways don’t bite the hand that feeds you. The opportunity for me is a learning curve of better understanding how to motivate and help my New City family and friends to be more willing to grow up by stepping up and taking responsibility for their situation. I know that today’s economy will make it even more unlikely for those less educated and unwilling to work hard to find employment. This unfortunately creates a dilemma for most of my kids that they will be stuck in a situation where they need help and the question is whether they will appreciate a ‘hand up’ and then do the same for a friend.

Don’t get me wrong I do have many around me that understand the importance of talking and living in a way that reflects what I call Godly Common Sense or Wisdom. It doesn’t take a PhD to get this because it isn’t about how much you know but how you use what you know. It is too easy for many to react and become bad talkers because of those around them that have more to put them down. I’m so proud of a mom who is going back to school and working towards her G.E.D. This is a huge amount of work and very humiliating. I’m helping her with understanding the mechanics of writing. I’m no expert and have learned how to write after a few undergrad degrees and grad school. I have been blessed to have a wife who has an incredible gift of imagination and the ‘knack’ to write. I also have a daughter who takes after her mom that has also helped me better see the ‘how to’s’ of becoming a writer.

My point to most of my group is that the old adage is true, ‘sticks and stones do break bones but words also do just as much damage.’ My hope is to help those in our community to see that your choice of words, how you say those words and what you are trying to communicate is key to having good relationships. Yet, if we are going to live in a culture where we always have a come back that is just as foul and bent on hurting then eventually all of this will come back to bite us. Solomon was so right in Proverbs 14:3 where he says that foolish talk ultimately becomes a rod that hurts us. The only way this is going to stop or change is when we are around those that live out Godly Common Sense and respond with kindness and grace. I know that wisdom is living out the truth that is seen in Scripture and the lives of those who know God. The challenge is that I’m good at talking about all of this, but not great at following through and not allowing the trash talk to get me.

So I have to admit that when someone responds with an attitude of gratitude that I am more apt to show kindness back to them. Yet, when someone makes a condescending response I’m ready to walk away from them. I know that being right or getting my way isn’t what it is about. It is difficult to know how to respond in a difficult situation without choosing to communicate with someone that pushed you the wrong way. I’m proud of one of my interns that shared her fight with her roomie and ultimately had to ask for help from her R.A., which meant she got called out.

As I told my rowdy group last night in church that they have a choice to make. You can continue to be a trash talker type of person or you can ask God for help to teach you how to be someone that sees the positive and speaks in a healing and helping fashion. My would also say it takes way more energy to frown then to smile, yet, most of us walk around with frowns. Time to ask God for help with common sense through reading and meditating upon Proverbs. 

Dave loves to torture people?

I catch myself at times being a Dr. Jekyll and Dr. Hyde when it comes to being understanding and emotionally affirming. As the case with most of us I have infinite patience with my wacky crazy teens who do ‘bad stuff’ too often and then become a screecher with those I love, mostly my Anne. I’m so excited about my Anne having the opportunity to do training to become a certified Chaplin. This will require a huge amount of commitment on my Anne’s part between classroom time, on the job training and then a ‘boat load’ of reading. This morning we were talking about how the Internet works with iPhones, iPads and laptops. My impatient side comes out when we discuss ‘geek’ stuff because I make too many false assumptions about my Anne understanding the practical side of high tech.

When I fall into my ‘teacher’ voice that is rather condescending, I know that my Anne will usual break down. I really don’t mean to do this but it happens on occasion. I can have a tendency of coming across as a know it all. I am learning that it is so important for my Anne to be independent in the area of her new professional pursuits. I obviously loved being needed by many when it comes to life issues not just the latest Apple device. I realize even in my life how inter-dependent I am upon so many different people. My hope, which will be realized soon, is that my Anne will become the Apple expert with her MacBook Pro, iPhone and iPad.

I know that most dads’ struggle with their relationships with their sons more than their daughters. It is so much easier to spoil our daughters who become our little princesses than our abused sons who always seemed neglected or picked at. I know that my son has clashed with me a lot over the last 10 years, yeah he’s 28, because of my way of doing things and in his mind being too quick to judge and attempt to squeeze him into my box. My hope is that as he has kids he will realize that it’s not easy being a dad. No excuses but guys are stereotyped as being tough guys who don’t communicate very well and are always quicker to judge than give accolades.

It is easy for all of us to look back at our life story and have very different perceptions of life events that our dads might view as being watershed moments that we truly believed were torture. I will always remember my son’s first adventure on a real bike without training wheels. We lived in Walnut Creek across from a nice park that had lots of grass, trees and shrubs. The park was on a significant grade that seemed perfect for riding on a 2 wheeler without any assistance. So I did the typical dad thing of running with him next to the bike and then letting him go. I would compare this to a bird pushing out its baby birds to fly for the first time. The first few seconds they are struggling to figure out they are supposed to flap their wings until suddenly they are zooming all over the heavens.

Needless to say my over exuberance meant my son went down the hill out of control and ended up colliding with a tree or bush. I remember the rest of us laughing and then saying great job! Yet, as I have heard this story repeated by him it was more that I was this sinister torturer that purposely planned out this catastrophic event to scare him for life. So I have to admit that all of us did laugh even though my initial thought wasn’t let’s see if I can push him into a tree, shrub or the fence that was around the community pool.

I do apologize to my son and my other kids for doing things at times that were totally a ‘dad’ thing without much regard for the end result. Yes, I do enjoy torturing my wife, my kids and my New City kids and teens too often.  It’s too much fun but I know can end up scaring someone. Oops – SORRY. 

A Tribute to my Dad - Grandpa!

I have had the privilege of working in Urban Phoenix over the last 6 years. It has been during this time that I have especially come to see the role and importance of fathers in the home. I can’t fathom want it would be like to grow up without a dad. I have had numerous youth live with us over the last 5 years and it continues to hit me that one of the missing pieces to understanding life’s puzzle is having a male role model in your life.  (Everyone has a mom who is there but not everyone has a dad.)

As a kid growing up my dad was always there for me. I can’t relate to my New City kids where most of them don’t have dads and if they do they are either in prison or deadbeat dads. One of my teens who is living with me is struggling with whither she should re-connect with her dad now that he has been released from prison. The challenge is that he is an alcoholic who tends to do crazy things. Yet, my teen wants to take him out to lunch and even consider living with him.

My dad took the time to encourage me and show me in bits and pieces what is required to figure out life. He is the one who inspired me to want to be a learner and a doer. I can remember him buying me my first instrument. I have to confess that this wasn’t an electric guitar but an accordion. It was after he got a guitar that I stole his and became a rock and roller. It was during my music or band phase as a teen that he took the time and spent the money to get me a Heath kit Vox Combo Organ. I can remember all 27 circuit boards that we had to assemble. This required weeks of work and many late nights. Yet, he finished this and it became part of my rock band for the last part of my teen years.

I can remember when my dad would leave for extended periods of time during the Vietnam War, he flew B-52’s and was stationed in Southeast Asia, that he would tell me that I was the man of the house and expected me to stand up for mom and my brother Mark. It was during his last tour of duty that my younger brother Scott was born. I was a freshman in High School and this was a difficult pregnancy for my mom because she was older. My dad had helped me grow up fast because of his military duty.

I will always remember when I told my dad about my Anne after having met her at a week long Inter Varsity Bible Camp in the Santa Cruz area. I told him I was thinking of asking her to marry me. Looking back I was shocked that he said the following, “If you truly love her than she must be a very special person, so ask her the question!” My dad has always been a special friend and help to Anne and I. My mom, who is now in heaven, truly loved Anne but was your typical mother in-law that wanted to always re-arrange our kitchen and assumed she still knew me better than Anne even though I had lived with Anne now longer than with her. (She still assumed that Mr. Goodbars were my favorite candy bar and not mikyways.)

My dad taught me the most in life as I watched him care for my dying mom over a period of 10 years. I can’t fathom the pain and heartache he experienced watching his lady slowly drift away over a period of a couple of years. He was always very guarded and protective of my mom or his lady. I reacted to this because he would reject much help that was offered by friends and even act as if he didn’t want food or special gifts. He wanted to make sure that mom had the best and wasn’t put in a position of feeling even worse because of friend’s reactions to her condition. It took me some time to understand why he was this way but looking back it makes so much sense.

I know that being the oldest in the family that I was the favored son. My closer brother in age, Mark, always felt like he was last. I admit that there is a lot of truth in this because I was more like dad in following through with school, staying married, having kids and pursuing a career that was more acceptable then doing music. My dad encouraged me to go to college and pursue my dreams. I am a little surprised that he didn’t try to persuade me to go into the Air Force or became an aviator. He was ok with me doing science and then ultimately doing church work and going to grad school.

The night my mom died will always be a fresh part of my memory. I knew during the last 6 months of her life that one day I would get a call. It made it very hard for me to answer the phone, especially late at night. I so much wanted to be around her when she died but I knew that wouldn’t be the case. I am so thankful that my younger brother, Scott, had the privilege of spending the last night with mom. My dad, who was overly protective, asked Scotty to watch mom so he could go shopping. Little did Scott know at the time that this would be his last time with our mom.

The phone rang around 3 am. I didn’t really know what to expect from my dad. I didn’t know if he would be sobbing and emotional spent or? I was shocked to hear him talk in a spiritual high type of expression. I know that my dad is a true believer who did give his woman to the Lord and trust that her departure would be one that was best for her. He was elated and talked about seeing, feeling and experiencing the presence and power of God when she left. I’m crying as I write this so I don’t know how he was able to maintain composure but he did. I know he did cry eventually but for the following couple of weeks he was on a spiritual high.

I have become my dad’s special friend in a way that wasn’t possible when I was a teen with him being gone on combat duty or as he cared for his ailing wife. I have become his advocate and best friend over the last 3 years. It hasn’t been easy to watch someone I idolized as a kid be stricken with Alzheimer’s but I’m beginning to appreciate the silly little times now of going to the mall, eating hot dogs or expensive ice cream or pushing him through the aquarium in his wheel chair. I’m so thankful that he will get to see all of my kids get married and most likely become a great-grandpa also.

So as my dad celebrates his 83^rd birthday I’m so thankful to God for giving me a dad that has always been there and cared regardless of what crazy things I happened to be doing. I love you dad!

Post Election Blues

Anne and I usually get up around 5-5:30 to walk the dogs. This morning it was rather a stretch to get out of bed after staying up till 12:30 to hear Obama give his acceptance speech. So seeing the old iclock say 5:30 didn’t exactly motivate me to place one foot after the other onto the floor and start moving into my bathroom and closet. Fortunately my Freckles, our pitbull-dalmation mix sprung up and leaped off of the bed.

As we pulled into our canal spot to park it was totally dark still and the moon didn’t help much at all. Our white duck, that usually greets us, wasn’t anywhere to be found. I had this sense that something was wrong but didn’t know exactly how to express it. I know in the bigger scheme of life that God is in control and that ultimately everything works together to accomplish his purpose. Yet, the outcome of this election has rocked many and their sense is that this is really the beginning of the end for America, as we know it. I know that the analysts are saying that nothing has really changed over the last week. We have the same blend of politics where both parties are at war with each other. No one really wants to pursue a path of compromise to actually see our deficit lessen, help the immigration issue to be directed on a course that will see resolve and hope given to millions.

As we finished our walk and loaded the dogs I knew that I still had to do my work for the day and couldn’t just disappear to throw a pity party or begin a protest somewhere that would get the media’s attention. We finally get Graham, our big dog, to jump into the truck and we head off to Starbucks. I am usually there each morning around 6:15am. Typically not too many are inside the store. I usually end up talking with the different baristas who have become good friends. One of the baristas, Danielle, was obviously living off of a couple of hours of sleep. I made some jokes and tried to get her attention but realized that she too was suffering from post election blues.

I can’t fathom how much money had been thrown into all of the different political races through out the country. I can’t fathom what would happen if all of the politicians were forced to do their campaigns with the same amount of funding and all of the super pacts were stopped from spending millions. The sad reality is that the majority of this advertising is totally negative and misleading. Yet, we are blessed to live in a country where there is freedom to express yourself and spend your money any way you choose.

We had a mentor group last night and ended talking about what it meant to be responsible and mature as a teen or as an adult. We ended up in an argument that focused on food stamps, welfare and government help. The perception, true or false, was that one of the presidential candidates was going to totally stop the services for the poor and the other candidate was truly a humanitarian. The point that we were trying to make is that at some point you have to step up, grow up and own your own life. I tire or arguments that always take the extreme positions and ignore the normal circumstances of life and what actually happens. Yes, I understand that we will always have a small percentage of our population that will not be able to work and deserve help both from the church and government on an ongoing basis. Yet, the reality is that most need to step up, get some training, get a job and learn to be responsible for themselves.

One of my interns noted that this was one of the more lively discussions or almost arguments. I some times tend to push the buttons of my teens or adults to force them to consider what they really need to be doing with their lives. I am learning that I can’t wait for life to happen but need to take responsibility for myself and not expect someone else to pay my way or cover for me when I mess up.

I had each of the interns talk about how they had been irresponsible in the last month. One of them shared about getting into a real fight with her roommate. This escalated to the point where she lost it and then had to ask her RA to intervene. She did the right thing and attempted to diffuse the situation. She apologized and sought to reconcile with her roommate. The challenge is that her roommate didn’t appreciate any of this action. This got the attention of quite a few of the gals who didn’t expect to hear this from her.

Yeah, life goes on and all of those who didn’t get elected or re-elected go back to normal life and have to adjust to something different from their whirlwind life over the last few months. I hope that ultimately all of us can see that God is more than able to work through the good times or bad times depending upon your perception. I know that there will be many that will say their vote didn’t count and it was really a waste of time. I totally disagree and am thankful that we live in a country where there are free elections.

Tomorrow we will take the dogs for a walk again and the moon will be up and the barista at Starbucks will have gotten a better night’s rest and will have a smile instead of a frown on her face. Life goes on regardless of who is in office. 

The Joy of Helping!

Today I get to partner with a group of Jr. Highers and bless some friends who run 8^th Day Coffee in downtown Phoenix. I’m really spoiled to have so many great friends who share a heart for impacting the community. It was a little over a month ago that a group of friends painted the outside of 8^th Day Coffee just before their big opening for First Friday. (First Fridays can see upwards to 20,000 people walking in the art district of downtown Phoenix looking at local art and enjoying music and great food.)

It was four years ago that I was privileged to form a partnership with SCA, a Christian School in Scottsdale. This partnership has brought youth to help me do community service projects in South Phoenix and the downtown over the last 5 years. It was also through this partnership that one of their staff joined Grand Canyon University to birth the Servant Scholar Program just a year ago. I have been blessed to have interns from GCU that have made a real difference in our work with our youth and community.

While I’m waiting for this small group of young teens to come from SCA I am blessed to sip on a latte made by my new friend, Bruce. He is a semi-retired Radio Guy who is giving his ‘golden’ years to the Lord through overseeing 8^th Day Coffee Shop. He has become a close friend over the last 3 months. We share lots in common with our older kids, actually adult kids and mutual friends. It is always a joy to purposely have meetings at 8^th Day when it works with location. I’m truly a supporter of local business over franchises.  I still love my Starbucks and so much enjoy bugging Joseph the manager who is now a close friend and board member!

I will unload some paint, brushes, tarps and duct tape so these young teens can help bring attention to the outside of 8^th Day. Tomorrow night literally hundreds will walk through the coffee shop and art gallery. There is a display of a veteran who is a gifted poet who experienced the unfortunate tragedy with war of being hurt while serving his county. My friend Bruce, I come to discover, actually took in this young man because he was struggling and needed help. It was through this tragedy that God has used him to express himself with his pen. Bruce has an incredible voice that I could sit and listen to for hours on end. Yet, it is through Bruce’s love and compassion on this young man that God is using to touch others with his passion for living regardless of his physical situation.

I have to confess that I have so many friends who have helped me out through their prayers, partnering with our work in South Phoenix and giving financially. It is humbling to be in a situation where I’m learning to pray Lord give me this day my daily bread. The real eye opening experience is that God provides. My wife reminds me that I need to be more thankful. God is so amazing when we least deserve it. Thank you for Father!