Doesn't any one really care?

We live in a country that was founded upon equal opportunity for all. The challenge is that everyone isn’t able to take advantage of this offer. I live in a diverse community where someone’s lack of a dad, mom or real adult friend can put them in a disadvantage that can limit their future potential. Yes, I’m someone that truly believes that anyone can rise up and learn, with some help, what it means to own your life and take responsibility for your circumstances regardless of whether you caused them or not. The reality is that there are some that have unique obstacles, which stop them from being capable of being in the ‘main stream’. My question is whether society, culture, the church or corporate America cares?

Jesus in one of his last messages to his leaders made a huge point about his heart and passion for those that have been forgotten and left behind. I have a few friends that have been left behind and laughed at. I struggle about whether I should give them preferential treatment, let them struggle or hand them a silver platter with everything on it. I can’t fathom what it would be like to grow up with a physical or mental handicap that puts you behind everyone else. I know that the effort for the typical teen or adult will usually produce a result that will help that individual rise to the occasion and do more than exist but actually do something that matters with their life.

I know that in the business or academic context usually are only concerned about is the bottom line, GPA or ongoing graduate programs. Does anyone care or notice the individual who will never be able to survive the typical interview or make it beyond High School? Is there a place for the person that usually ends up on disability or lives with a parent or sibling for a lifetime? Is everyone too busy pursing their own goals or success to tangibly care or help? I’m at a loss for words when someone asks me to help them get a job when I know that it is very unlikely that a typical first time job setting will recognize this person as capable. It’s also tough to explain to someone that needs to move out of their horrible home setting that I don’t have an extra room.

I know that working together and building partnerships is a key path to help those in dire circumstances have a future and life that can have quality and worth. I also know that those I’m around who are in tough circumstances are able to contribute and a make a difference if we let them. My hope is that we would rethink the notion of what is success and what are the better qualities in life that do count forever! I don’t want to ignore or pretend that my friend doesn’t exist or deserve a chance for a better life and future only to be left behind in the race to the finish line of the business world or academia. 

The Talk!

I know that the last thing I cherish in life is having someone talk to me face to face in a serious way about something I did that wasn’t the way it should be. It is really difficult to see the world through someone else’s eyes. Perspective is something that few want to hear about when it comes to our missing the point. I had to meet with a good friend to give ‘the talk’. I knew that this wasn’t going to be easy but didn’t have any choice.

There are lots of posts about success only coming out of failure. It is easy for someone who is doing great to talk about this but what about the person who has just crashed and burned and is being reminded about a mishap that they already know about. I know that iron sharpens iron and that learning to be honest and humble will improve a person’s ability to relate better to others, yet, there isn’t any easy way around this, it hurts to be told that you blew it. The challenge is that often we know better and still continue to make choices that hurt others as we assume that it makes us look better.

It is so easy to not really listen to a well-intentioned friend who has gone out of their way to help. I often will catch myself making excuses or justifying what I have done to resolve the tension that exists because of my poor choice and action that offended someone. As I talked to my friend at first it went ok. This friend is someone that I have known for a substantial amount of time. Yet, as we were finishing talking I caught myself having to go back and ask, ‘Did you really hear what I just said? If so why do you continue to skirt the issue?’ I had to come down on my friend because of his unwillingness to totally own up to what happened.

I hear myself saying the right things like; listen before you say anything, don’t always try to get the last word in any conversation and definitely don’t put anyone down as you are speaking. I walked away from my meeting with my friend emotionally exhausted, frustrated and at times wondering if it did any good. I know that I had no choice but to help my friend because he had stepped on another friend’s ‘toes’. My plea is that it is ok to step on my ‘toes’ and help me become a better listener and ultimate someone who can speak with wisdom!

Do Something!

I live in a context where some people judge me because their assumption is that I’m all about enabling and not about empowering. (You have to be involved with urban inner city work to understand the terminology :) I understand that regardless of our circumstances anyone who chooses to be involved in another person’s life because of their passion to serve God brings lots to the table. There have been many books written on the personal side of what it would be like to live in real poverty and brokenness. The challenge is that for most we look at this topic from the sidelines. When was the last time you went without a meal, had to walk everywhere and didn’t have utilities because it was towards the end of the month?

I will confess that I at times react to those who are quick to be criticize without having ‘hands on experience’ with generational poverty, brokenness and gang violence. This last week an upcoming potential Olympic boxer was murdered in my neighborhood. He was a senior in high school. What made this unusual was that the murders actually broke into this individual’s house and literally beat him to death. I don’t know the whole story so I’m not going to say anything. The outcome was that a few in my group were literally devastated the whole week and could do little besides cry. What struck me was that over 75 high school students did a car wash that overtook a McDonalds and Walgreens for 10 hours this last Saturday. The generosity of many saw these youth raise over a $1,000 to go towards a funeral for their friend.

I do admit to reacting to many that want to analyze everything to such an extent that the likelihood of being involved with doing anything is slim. I totally understand the need to step back and see whether in the long term what we are doing to empower our marginalized youth to own their lives work. The challenge is that this is something that is very difficult to do and see results that will fit into some type of statistical analysis. I know that in the midst of this suffering and heartache one of my teens got a job working at one of the cooler venues in downtown Phoenix. The job wasn’t anything glamorous because he is a dishwasher. How do you weigh the initiative of the students that did a continuous carwash over the weekend and my teen who has been job-hunting for over a year and now has his first employment opportunity?

My wife and I have personally chosen to live life on the edge where we are willing to help almost anyone who is in a tough situation. We don’t necessarily weigh whether the circumstances are totally they’re doing, family’s fault or who knows what. I would rather error on the side of grace then performance. Most that are experiencing brokenness and failure are not able to do much beyond existing. So the first step to helping is by choosing to establish a relationship that becomes the basis for trust to be gained on both sides. I know that best way to influence and help someone become self sustainable isn’t through lecturing or threatening but by walking with them through life’s bad times and being willing to listen first before saying anything. 

I know that most of my friends won’t be able to relate to one of my single moms who has three kids. She is almost paralyzed from being not able to help herself from the attacks of her siblings over the death of her mom almost two years ago. My hope is to help a few to see how fortunate they are and then be more understanding of those who don’t have much and become friends in a way that empowers some of my single moms to keep going and not give up on life. 

Loud, Obnoxious and Insecure

I have the privilege of working with a wide variety of different people. What is so amazing and interesting is how easy it is to misread someone. The person that seems to always be out front and loud could easily be the person that is hurting on the inside and very insecure. I also know that I’m around a lot of wounded individuals who are so quick to hide from any group interaction. The question. that I face often. is how to help or be a link to someone that will provide the means for them to rise above their situation. The hope is to seem them discover a way to overcome or deal with their hurt and actually become a game changer.

One of my favorite pastimes is to hook up some of my friends with other friends to see if I can build bridges between different people groups so someone who is healthy can bring hope to someone in the dumps. I had a friend visit with a single mom yesterday to hear her story. I was so jazzed that my friend brought some cookies and an open ear and heart to understand life from a totally different context. It is so easy to not only misjudge someone but assume that you have the answers to that person’s situation. My friend did an excellent job of listening and making a new friend.

I know that I can at times be the person out front asking questions and leading a discussion group. I might come across as if I’m totally self-assured and have it together but I don’t. I can share at times how many feel alone and inadequate on the inside. It is so easy to hide our fears and insecurities by taking control or being loud and typically obnoxious. I have some friends who try to hard to connect with others or want to be the life of the party but it is forced and not natural. So I think that most of us want to have genuine relationships but don’t always have the experience to know how to make that a reality.

My point in writing is to say that so often the person who is loud and sometimes out of control is doing this to get attention but it’s because they are hurting and don’t’ connect well with others. It is too easy to view someone in this context as being arrogant or totally into themselves. Yet, they can be someone who is reaching out in the wrong fashion and we just don’t see it. So be slower to judge and quicker to understand your friend or workplace situation. 

Is Your Life in Neutral?

I can remember as a kid with a new bike going down a steep hill where I would coast down because I was afraid of going too fast. The challenge today is that too many people are coasting in their lives and make the felonious assumption that being in neutral in life is good because at least you aren’t going backwards. I had a discussion with a good friend, who is like a son to me, about the need to actually do something good with your life.

I have many friends who truly believe that if they haven’t gotten in trouble for doing something bad than their life must being doing good. I will ask many of these friends, both young and old, that the point isn’t whether you have done something wrong, illegal or stupid but whether you are doing something with your life that really matters. My point to my friend was about the essence of what’s in your heart? Is it always to get by with doing the least instead of doing more than expected? Is there anything wrong with chilling or doing it your way?

It is too easy, for men especially, to miss the point that it isn’t about what you haven’t done, i.e. steal, cheat or beat someone up but in a positive way do something with your life that counts and impacts others. The challenge with this mindset is that there isn’t any guarantee of reward, promotion or recognition. The reality is that those who get choosing to live with passion from the heart is that they aren’t concerned about being recognized or being rewarded.

I had a passionate discussion with my friend about this mindset that took some time for it to sink into him. I understand that we live in a day and age where everyone is concerned about his rights, freedom and ability to do life their way. The difficulty with this mindset is that it flies in the face of most modern male egos. I’m going to be the last one to ever show any weakness and don’t expect me to go back to someone who has ‘dished’ me and expect me to serve them?

It is easy for those of the present generation growing up to be judged by their parent’s age group as being totally unwilling to work hard, always seem to expect someone else to do it for them and make the assumption that mom and dad should support them till they are 30. So how is it possible to help someone change from being a secret taker to a secret giver? I know that most of what my discussion with my friend wasn’t anything life shattering but still came back to his heart. Are you willing to do something different in order to show someone real affirmation? It is too easy to assume that it is always the other person who must go the extra mile?

I do know that character does count and that most in leadership today see the importance of talking about values that take precedence over bottom line or promotions. So is your life in neutral waiting for something great to happen? Most will come to the conclusion that the grass isn’t greener on the other side and that there really aren’t any short cuts in life worth taking the risks. I do believe that the best risk to take is to give your all to a circumstance or an individual without expecting anything in return. Time to get back in drive and try not to stall!