Racism - it's my fault and yours!

I was surprised to get a text from a close friend who had recently moved outside our common Phoenix neighborhood that said my last blog on racism was an honest post. He applauded what I had written. He’s an African American who is a pastor and also Army Reservist. I told him to wait until I blogged next about how all of us to a certain extent are responsible for stereotypes that cause racism on all sides. As I walked into a Starbucks close to my in-law’s retirement complex I was surprised to notice that I was the only ‘white’ guy getting coffee that morning. The stereotype for most Starbucks would be affluent neighborhood where there would be lots of baby boomers getting their brew early on a Saturday and can afford to pay $5 for a cup.

I have always been a fan of Bill Cosby both on the T.V. and also on the stage. He is someone who understands the problems that are rampant in his racial group. I can remember listening; this was before YouTube or iTunes, on L.P.’s on my dad’s fancy stereo. We would sit around and just listen to his clean family humor. I can remember twenty years plus later hearing him share his story of being someone that had experienced racism in his own family. The loss of his son had truly impacted his life. The reality that he talked about was that the worst enemy in the Black Community is the community itself. I have spent a good part of my life living in diverse communities where it is so easy to feel on edge if you happen to be in the wrong part of town at the wrong time.

I can remember the first time I saw a bigger than life Hispanic or African American guy walking their dog, albeit a micro dog, Chihuahua, in a park close to my house. I had to be honest that I was a little or a lot afraid to walk my dog in the same area. Sure over time I have come to know these guys as normal people who love their families, their dogs and our commonly shared park, canal trail, QT or Circle K around the corner. I know that I choose to shop and eat at one of the local Hispanic Markets, Ranch Market, all of the time. It isn’t unusual to be the only non-Hispanic in the market or waiting in line to get a fruit drink or quesadilla. I chuckle because of it being summer I have a tan so I fit in better which means the person waiting on me ends up speaking in Spanish. I admit that I get a sense that I don’t belong there, yet unless I choose to shop there and hang out there that stereotype will continue.

I began a journey of doing work in under resourced neighborhoods almost 20 years ago. This began with being on a Habitat for Humanity board. I had the privilege for almost 8 years of being either president or chairman of the board. This meant that I did a lot of hands on work with both making presentations, being part of builds and raising funds to build affordable houses for the working poor. I can remember one of the first questions that I would be asked was whether this was a hand out that promoted laziness and living on welfare. This would quickly bring my HFH story about building partnerships that promoted empowering people not enabling people and ultimately sees HFH as being a hand up not a hand out.

The primary target group of HFH, in my neighborhood, was primarily Hispanics with a few African American families. I loved overseeing the different houses where volunteers would come a few times a week to partner with the Habitat Families to build their houses. I especially loved being part of the dedication ceremonies where I would have the privilege often of giving a short talk about HFH and the reality that this house has now become a home. What I loved about this type of partnership is that it brought people of different backgrounds both ethnic and socio-economic to make a difference. The founder of HFH would talk about the theology of the hammer. His simple point was that when we focused on helping someone in the context of a partnership that often our differences were forgotten as your hammered pushed the nail into the stud.

I was involved with a local non-profit in Chandler over a 5-year period of time. Its’ purpose was to help at risk youth stay off the streets and not become a statistic because of the gangs in this rough neighborhood. The non-profit’s success was tied very much to the involvement of a large high tech company in the larger area and the city itself. Again one of the key lessons I was learning when it came to see marginalized neighborhoods change was having partnerships be at the forefront. Habitat’s vision of being a hand up not a hand out was very much part of this group’s mindset also.

I can remember when I first considered doing community transformation work and visited a mercy church in St. Louis I was confronted and confounded with a good friend’s admonishment to understand the need to see racial reconciliation as a high priority. I was taken back at first and wondered what did I do to cause racism? I had again been raised in a family where I was taught from birth not to judge a person by the color of their skin, educational background nor size of house or type of car they drove. Yet, as I listened to my friend unfold what is entailed in racism I came to understand that I represent a society, a governmental system and a church that has promoted racism by choosing to be bystanders. The reality check for most that attend church is the most segregated time on the face of the earth is on Sunday mornings.

I struggle with knowing how to make a difference in the life of one of my little guys who has grown up without a dad, much if any positive influence and then have this sense because his or her skin color is different from mine that there is something wrong with them. This becomes even more difficult when I have volunteers that help out thinking that if only they could transform these kids to be like them that all of their ills in their cultural group would vanish. The reality is that racism is both a by-product of the specific cultural group and those outside. It is easy to believe a stereotype about yourself instead of fighting against it. It is also my fault when I assume that a person of color has more a tendency to be bad than my kids.

What are some simple steps to take to start tearing down racism? I think choosing to make friends of different racial and socio-economic backgrounds is key. I think it is time that we recognize our prejudices and start doing something to promote multiculturalism in the workplace, in our neighborhood, in our church and through our actions. I think it is an amazing adventure to learn about someone else’s cultural background, enjoy some of their traditions and especially eat some of their exotic food! I know that having done construction work between college degrees and grad degrees it was too easy to assume that because I was the non-Hispanic or non-Colored foreman that my way was the right way. It didn’t take too long for me to be taught by my non-white counterparts that they knew just as much as I did about concrete work or maybe even more.

I know that it isn’t popular today to study history, especially U.S. History. Yet, until we understand what happened to Native Americans, African Americans and the Japanese the past will continue to not only haunt us but repeat itself. I am quick to tell those involved with doing community work that talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. I know that racial profiling is a hot topic today between different terrorist attacks and the ongoing struggles with understanding how to resolve the immigration issue. So today is a great time to start attacking stereotypes that are wrong and choose to make a friend who has a totally different life story. If we choose to be bystanders in the race war than it will continue to impact our society, culture and the world around us. 

Racism

It is no longer amazing how the media can bring something into the forefront of every home but almost expected. I’m now listening to our president talk about how he could have been the teen that was shot for being in the wrong neighborhood at the wrong time. I was also listening to a talk show on Public Radio that focused on an affluent African American mom that is an attorney that had recently taken her daughter on a trip to Europe. The focus of the discussion was how she went out of her way not to act in the perceived sense that most view her racial group. She was quick to admit that she made sure that both her dress and speech exceeded the expectations of any around her. She was fearful that she and her daughter would be mistreated.

I was raised for the most part in a ‘color blind’ context where my parents didn’t make anything of racial differences. I attended schools that were mixed racially and didn’t think much of it. I wasn’t told by anyone that I was better than someone else because of my skin color or the fact that my dad was an officer. It wasn’t until I was 7 years old and visiting my grandma, she lived in St. Louis, that I was instructed about the N word and how everyone in this people group were bad. I was totally clueless and asked my dad what grandma was talking about. I can remember my dad coming unglued and taking grandma to task for what she had said.

I remember being at my other grandma’s house where I was instructed more about race issues not by what she said but through her actions. We had left my other grandma’s flat and arrived at my dad’s mom’s house. It was an older house that had a large front yard that had a series of steps that went up to the front door and porch of the house. I can remember hearing my great uncle saying something to a man that was out front ‘relieving’ himself in the front yard. It was seconds later that grandma’s dog was sent out to the front to get the man to leave, which he did rather quickly. My uncle screamed something out that clearly included the N word.

I will always remember my dad’s perspective on what I had experienced in St. Louis during that one vacation. He explained to me that he had grown up in a very racially tense neighborhood that had changed significantly over his life and he wanted me to never judge a person because of the color of their skin, their education, their job or their possessions. I appreciated my dad’s view on life but was still confused as to why most of my relatives were racists. Later in life when I would visit I would be warned about traveling in certain sections of St. Louis that were considered to be dangerous for whites to drive through ‘colored’ sections of St. Louis. I typically didn’t pay much attention to their advice.

Yes, I grew up in the 60’s and had some exposure to the civil rights movement, JFK, men on the moon, the Cuban missile crisis and the assignations of MLK and JFK. I have lived the last 7 years intentionally in a racially diverse neighborhood and have come to better understand some of the heartache that exists between different ethnic groups. I understand the importance of understanding another person’s culture and language and not assume that they are going to cater to my biases. The reality that I have to admit and confront is that too often my middle class educated white background totally blinds me to the culture of both the Hispanic and African American community. I know that if I walk into a room where I’m the minority that it is too easy for me at times to believe that I’m the one with the smarts or better leadership potential. I have to confess this and repent by choosing to let others be in the forefront of leadership, even if it means that I don’t get what I want.

What I’m learning over the last decade of my life with my involvement with both Habitat for Humanity, living and working in a diverse community is that I have to be better at learning about those that are my neighbors by being with them as they live, play, work, worship and have an interest in the legacy of their culture. I know that as I choose to be around both young kids and teens in my neighborhood that they look at me as being the odd ball. I know that some of my kids have grown up with parents that are part of gangs, some with dads in prison, and others that have been birthed into generational poverty and others where education isn’t valued in contrast to getting a job. Most are being raised without dads by either single moms or grandmas.

I know that the harsh reality for many of my teens is that they aren’t going to get a job because they don’t speak well or have a clue about how to dress to position themselves to get hired. I explained that many employers are racist and don’t want to hire someone outside of their own cultural group. The challenge is that you have to be better prepared and ready to interview. I do have a few that will get scholarships to Harvard, Stanford or Yale not because of their racial background but their GPAs and volunteerism.

I know that life isn’t fair and that racial, religious, educational and socio-economic differences and similarities will both draw people together and also separate them. My hope is to help build bridges between different people groups to help everyone see that we can learn from each other and ultimately live around each other and be more able to love those that are different. 

Simple & Old School?

Over the last year I have been reading and thinking through the book of Proverbs. Solomon was one of the richest people on the face of the earth. I would assume that as he looked back on life what he would reveal most about wasn’t his 1,000’s of mistresses or how much gold there was in the national treasury but on understanding God’s heart of being simple and to the point. He was given an opportunity to choose between wealth and really anything as a gift from God. His choice ultimately was for the richest gift – WISDOM.

It shouldn’t be any surprise that over the last decade plus as the internet and social media has come to the forefront of culture that what stands out isn’t the need for more info, high tech discoveries or wealth but for being able to use the knowledge we already have in practical ways that can and will change the way we live and impact the lives of those around us. I confess that I ready many articles each day that are from LinkedIn or TED and typically the most astute articles are the ones that go back to the basics and talk about real life. Reality check – few are going to be billionaires and be CEO. Most will be part of families and communities where one person’s choices will ultimate turn the tide of evil overcoming the good.

One of the verses that has hit me and is so applicable to any situation is the following from Proverbs 15:9 ‘A life frittered away disgust God, he loves those who run straight for the finish line.’ This verse especially strikes me with working in marginalized neighborhoods where too many adults have literally thrown away their lives. This could be the deadbeat dad who has fathered numerous kids but has spent most of his life behind bars. It could also be the single mom who is still living and acting like a teenager and taking advantage of grandma or auntie to raise her kids. The sad fact is that too many of my teens and their peers are literally wasting their lives between their video addictions, Facebook obsession and tuned out lifestyle that means they always have ear buds glued to their head.

What I’m seeing is that the shift to going back to the basics and being simple means that what the grandparents said really does have value and substance. Most of us remember at least a couple of teachers that were old school and got our attention. We may not have gotten an A in their class but our study habits and behavior patterns changed after being in their class. This will definitely be the one teacher whose name you will remember when you go back for your 10, 20 or 30-year reunion.

I totally get that no expectations means that most kids, teens or adults will aim for the ground and not the sky. I know that we live in a very confused and complicated world where we assume that the experts are 100% correct and that the average person can’t know much. I’m starting to see how we have got it all turned around. It isn’t the experts who understand life because most likely the marriage counselor or therapist for you or your teen have never been married nor had teens. I know that book learning and information gathering has its place in life, academia and our communities. The challenge is that experience in life that gives you ‘school of hard Knox’ type of education is what typically works. So why is it that all of the business, management or leadership gurus are now talking more about doing it simple and learning from the obvious? Maybe the finish line for the other mindset or paradigm just didn’t cut it. Why is it that gas prices go through the ‘roof’ when there isn’t a Middle East oil crisis? How can the stock market crash just because some company with an apple logo doesn’t meet their expectations but still earn over 8 billion in a quarter?

I have learned more by being around if anything below average people who choose to live extra-ordinary lives. I have a close friend who is a grandma, retired nurse and now a caregiver for a few 80-90 year olds. This last month her oldest client, actually she works for free, gave her a new Camaro as a gift for all of her labors over the last decade. This is one of the hottest cars on the road. All of my teens dream about the chance to even be driven in one of these forgets being able to own one!

So what has to happen so fewer fritter their lives away and actually cross the finish line? Maybe we need to start listening to the old folk? Maybe it’s time to step back and not allow those in the know supposedly to get away with determining our future. What would happen if normal people just did the norm but in an extra-ordinary fashion. I know that the American Dream in the past was to be married, have 2.5 kids, a dog, a cat and a white picket fence around a nice house in the suburbs. This vision has changed a little but what is wrong with being content and appreciating what you have instead of always wanting something that is beyond your grasp?

Solomon was a father, a king and world leader that learned more through his mistakes, which ultimately devastated his family and his life. It is always much easier to write something looking back and gleaning from our dumb mistakes then to play it forward and purposely learn from the life experiences of those who are older and have failed more to know what it is like to stand back up after brushing off your back.

I have run a few marathons and know the most important part of the race isn’t your time but walking, crawling, jogging or running across the finish line. I know that there will always be someone faster and slower then me. Also someone younger or older, skinnier or fatter than me that makes me look like a snail. I don’t want to fritter my life away but want to cross the finish line with many friends! 

Late Life Crisis!

A few days ago one of my more mature teens asked if I had gone through a mid-life crisis. I thought for a few minutes and had to honestly say NO. Then over the next week I had the strangest thing happen I started getting asked if I wanted a senior discount. Initially I would balk at such a thing and say you talking about ME? Yes, I have gray hair and a grey beard. I know that I assumed that made me look distinguished but not old like 55 plus.

So today I get a call from some close friends who are a young couple with a 2 year old. They spent the summer with us last year so their little guy sees Anne and myself as grandparents. Today was the crowning confirmation that this was true, little Phin actually said my whole name. This was such a momentous occasion they had to call while they were on their way to the doctors. I cherished the moment but then it struck me I’m more than old enough to have Phin’s mom and dad be my own kids.

I’m getting donuts this morning for my guys who are fast asleep after staying up most of the night for our guy’s overnighter. The place was empty on the inside but the drive through was slammed. So I went inside to save some time. As I’m explaining my order the young gal rings it up and without asking automatically puts in a senior discount. Yeah or wait a minute. Yes, I saved approximately $2 with this discount. Is it time for me to admit that turning 60 is my real mid-life crisis?

I was at a restaurant a few weeks ago and the waitress politely asked if I wanted the senior discount. It took me by surprise and I said if I say no does that mean that I’m not a senior? She chuckled and said sure. What if I say yes to the discount and am not a senior but look like I should be? She again chucked and asked for the last time and I responded no. I didn’t want to ask does the discount mean I have to be 55 or 60 or 62? I know at the theater I have to be 62, at IHOP it is 55 and at my Hilton Resort it is 55 or having an AARP membership.

A couple months ago we went to San Diego to be part of my father in-law’s birthday celebration. He had always wanted to parachute out of a plane so for his 87^th the family provided the means for him to do this. I know that my mother in-law was somewhat reticent to have him do this but after all there were quite a few at their senior complex who had jumped at 88, 89 and even 90. This was Paul’s day to shine at 87. Here I have an amazing living example of someone who has defied the age barrier. He has done just as much in his life in the last 25 years then he did during his normal working career. I should take notice and realize that the 60 something of today is almost like the 40 something of his generation.

I know that regardless of what I try to tell myself I will be 60 in 2 months and I can no longer say that I’m a fifty something so I will have to go change all of my social media sites to be honest. I know that most females will say they are 59 or 49 and on hold. I know that guys are supposed to be ok with their age but wait a minute that is someone else not me. Now I have to face the reality of a calendar that is a reminder that I’m a child of the 60’s not 80’s and that my kids are all almost 30 somethings.

Yes I was a little surprised that my honorary grandpa title came sooner then being a real grandpa. I have lots of kids, teens and young adults that I know look at me as a dad and probably more a grandpa. This is all good but why do I have to turn 60 so soon? I guess I can take heart in having lots of hair, albeit gray hair! 

Old Shoes

I will be the first to admit that I don’t like to wear socks, especially with my jogging shoes. I would rather have some baby powder and the sense of freedom to stretch out my toes! I met with a good friend yesterday who has been doing urban work for over 20 plus years. He is truly a veteran that has been in the trenches for a long time. We have become close friends since he has decided to transition to doing more of a camping ministry outside the area.

I know that looking back at my life I had this sense of distrust of people that were older and too quick to judge and voice their concern for my actions and positions. Now that I’m that older guy it is easy at times to use my ‘old shoes’ mindset to really think that I’m better than someone else because I’ve been there and done that a zillion times. The challenge in any cultural context is that there is always going to be a tension between the old school and the new school or first generation and second generation.

I was born into a military home with a dad who was an officer and flew B-52’s. It wasn’t my choice to have a dad that was into respect and quick response times. I was raised to believe that the early bird is always going to catch the worm and that those who snooze in for most of the day are going to miss out. Yes, my mom was OCD when it came to cleaning up and being organized. All of this left its impression on me and I tend to think that people that are like me obviously have it together and will succeed.

The interesting point about my veteran urban missionary friend is that he is totally non-tech. He doesn’t do e-mail or surf the web at all. I initially reacted to this a little or maybe a lot but have come to see his legacy that he has left in his neighborhood. He is an awesome dad and father of many neighborhood kids. He also is more of a hermit type that loves the outdoors. I confess that we are both Eagle Scouts regardless of how different we are!

My point of this blog is to say that God uses all types of people regardless of size, looks, tech ability, education or clean shaving. I know that it is too easy for many in today’s world to judge someone because of their circumstances without seeing them as real people. My prayer, which is being answered, is for people of different backgrounds to be slower at judging or making false assumptions. The end results will be new friendships like mine with my urban guru friend!