Is it possible to look beyond stereotypes?

I will be the first to admit that racial or any type of profiling and stereotyping has become a part of our culture that is difficult to overcome. I know that the fact that I’m white and an old guy means that many that I work around make the erroneous assumption that I must be rich. I have many memories of visiting my parent’s hometown, St. Louis MO, as a kid growing up. I can remember on that historic day when JFK was assassinated my grandma Dotson set out to enlighten me about how bad all ‘Black’ people happen to be. She used the ‘N’ word and I will always remember my dad’s explosive reaction to her and then his explanation to me about how horrible racism and prejudice were.  Clearly that day has stuck in my mind over the last 52 years and impacted my way of viewing ‘Black’ people thanks to my dad’s response to my racist grandma.

This last weekend I had an incredible experience working with a group of Muslim college students that participated in a community project where we painted 5 houses with 140 volunteers. I was so impressed with the leaders of this group, Samur and Muai, that I want them to continue to partner with us and also help train some of my leaders about what it means to be true servant leaders. I have to confess to the fact that I had my doubts whether other faith based groups or non-faith based groups would really choose to work with us.  I understand that Muslim, Jews, Atheist, secularists, the LGBTQ community and Christians typically are viewed as being so diametrically different that it would be almost impossible to work together.  This last Saturday showed me that there is hope that synergism and partnership works and that groups from very different faith backgrounds can impact the world together!

A few weeks ago I had a long discussion with a new friend who is gay and could be a Muslim on one day or a Christian on another day. We had mutually blogged together about whether it was possible for people of different life expressions to work together for the common good of a specific cause. Our conclusion was of course it is possible but unfortunately for many we allow stereotypes to stop us from making the effort to at least try. This new friend was helping another close friend with doing a business plan for a new nonprofit. We needed his wisdom and fresh approach that had nothing to do with his being gay and not being a clone of us!

I was invited to a dinner party recently where I was the ‘true guest’ that didn’t know anyone. I was intrigued by a comment the host made about how police had become too obsessed with using deadly force. What stuck out and broke my stereotype was that this individual was White, affluent and very involved in helping undocumented families at a local clinic. I have a few Black friends involved in doing community work that are quick to make the assumption that any police action involving deadly force is inappropriate. What helped me at this dinner was to see that any type of stereotyping gets me into trouble. So why do I still do it?

I walked into a Starbucks in Dallas this morning; I’m from Phoenix, dressed like I was back home wearing shorts, T-shirt with my rainbow sandals on my feet. The majority of the people getting their caffeine fix were dressed with real business attire. What hurt me was that there was another older guy dressed like me and he automatically gave me a thumbs up sign.  I initially avoided looking at this guy because I wanted to write a little and blend in with the crowd. Dumb me I stuck out big time and it was perfectly understandable why the business crowd might frown at me as this other fellow aging hippie assumed we were brothers.

I appreciate this picture I’ve used with this post that has a serious of images of different types of people from a hippie, farmer, cheerleader, Native American, homeboy, grandma, sports guy, Arab and a space guy. The caption says look beyond the stereotypes! The bottom line is whether we are willing to deconstruct, discuss and then educate ourselves about the dangers of stereotyping and profiling!

Thanks dad for helping me understand that life must be defined by a person’s character and life choices and not by what they are wearing or the color of their skin or hair!

Why does it take a tragedy to bring old friend together?

One of the more difficult lessons in life is that I’ve become too busy and consumed with the normal routine and forget to take the time on occasion to connect with old friends. Last night we had one of those unbelievable incidents occur to us. We get a text from my brother in-law about a close friend tragically killed in a mountain biking accident. All of a sudden memories of thirty years ago pop up and to be honest also a little guilt from not really connecting in the last twenty years.

I just recently reconnected with a friend from my college days who was significant in helping me discover my life passion. It again reminded me of how easy it is today to find someone and reach back over the years. So today I began a Facebook messaging campaign to find most of our friends from a youth group that we led in the 80’s where our friend was at the center. I was amazed how easy the list grew from a few to now over 50 friends from the 80’s. What’s fascinating is that we are the old people that led the group and these kids now are aging adults in their 40’s and 50’s.

What’s amazing is while listening to all of these friends share stories and pictures it made me homesick for this crazy group of then teens and now middle aged moms, dads and grandparents. I echoed the feeling of loss and the shedding of many tears today that everyone shared in their various posts. It was a wake up call that we’re all mortal and actually anything can happen to my loved ones including myself. So what lesson are we all going to take away from this sad news reunion? 

I know that most of us growing up as little kids always dreaded the yearly or bi-annual family gatherings, especially if it meant traveling far away. Yet, what stands out is this amazing group of people who share so much in common but between careers, moves, families and just the nuts and bolts of life we have all dropped the proverbial ball. So why not step back and think about different groups of friends you have had over the years and consider finding them and asking the rather simple question about how they are really doing. It’s so easy today to send pictures and video clips online. You will get a great laugh as you look at yourself from years past and hopefully renew a friendship.

It’s also a reminder to take a self-inventory and see if there are a few friends who you have left behind with broken relationships. Maybe today is a good time to seek amends or at least start the process. I will be the first to confess that it’s so funny and refreshing to see the past come back to life. So our friend’s wit, intellectual pursuits, crazy passion for saying weird things in Spanish and heart for life will stand tall in all of our memories.

We love you George and truly miss you! Our prayers go out for your Susan, mom and brother!

Show kindness! Don't let someone rob you of joy!

Each day present lots of opportunity to either show kindness to everyone regardless of how they treat you or live with a rather critical mindset where you analyze everyone’s actions. I will be totally honest about getting bent out of shape at times with people who won’t left a finger to help or show kindness. I get it that I don’t have to clean up someone else’s mess, open the door for a senior or attempt to help a mom pick up the contents of her diaper bag when it empties out. Yet, maybe we should be willing to interrupt our busy schedule to show kindness.

I have been fortunate to be around a few amazing people who have greatly shown kindness to me! My mom was someone that was always quick to say we are a family so we care about each other which translated into clean up your brother’s mess, feed the dog or take out the trash without being told. My mom’s real point was to help those who need an extra hand. I was always touched by how she went out of her way to love and help those that were hurting and alone.

My greatest gift in life has been that of my wife and life partner, Anne! She has totally shown me the meaning of self-sacrifice and how kindness can go a long ways to impact an individual, a family and a community. She is the one who will clean up after someone and never say anything or be quick to help someone who doesn’t really deserve to be helped. The real issue is that being kind to someone who is your friend or is nice is so easy! The real opportunity is to be kind to a stranger and surprise them. Yes, that person you don’t know but can see is struggling with something is the one you can give five minutes of relief and help.

Yes kindness is something that the blind can see and the deaf can hear! Show kindness today and see how much better your day will go!

Timing is everything?

Today I had a lunch with a good friend. I arrived about 10 minutes early. I will be the first to admit that being on time is something I see as a core value. The challenge is not everyone shares my set of values. I usually wait around 10-15 minutes before I text depending upon the circumstance. I decided after 10 minutes to do a ‘I arrived at the Mexican hole in the wall’ type of text. The response was;‘ I’m running 20-25 minutes late’. The thought went through my brain why didn’t he just text that he was running behind schedule. I know if I hadn’t texted I probably would have left after 20 minutes upset and would have considered my friend something not mentionable.

Now let’s flip to a party we had been invited to attend of a young friend who was turning 10. We had been to another party for her baby nephew and arrived about 30 minutes early to help with setup. What was crazy is that we waited; get this, almost 2 hours before the entire family made their appearance. What hit me was that none of the family was bothered and didn’t consider this rude or tacky.  So I was actually shocked when we showed up 30 minutes tardy for our 10-year-old friend’s party and the majority of the family had already arrived!

So why do some of us make timing a life or death matter? I agree that it is difficult to run a business or a family if you don’t operate on the same time scheduling. I know that it is polite to be a little late to some things and then a kiss of death or doom if you are 5 minutes late to a business meeting or to your in-laws.  I can definitely see some advantage to the cultures where timing isn’t a big thing. So you don’t get stressed, get into a car accident or wreck your day rushing around. Yet, I also get how frustrating it can be when you plan for 30 people for a birthday party and only a handful show up. The late comers or no show types act as if it’s not a big deal even though you worked your ‘rear’ off getting ready and spent a small fortune for the event.

Common sense should prevail and help you realize whether you are attending an open house where timing doesn’t matter or an expensive meal where being late is noticed and an insult to your family or business associates. The flip side is sometimes you just have to ask your friend, family member or business partner, who might be of a totally different cultural background, what is appropriate for arrival time and also for your exit.

I can laugh at myself at times because I’ll make a big deal about being on time when no one else has appeared. Then I think how totally crazy stupid that I’ve been stressing. Yet, on the flipside I admit that I would be mad if my family and friends choose to be two hours late intentionally. So what’s it going to be for your timing core value? Let the surrounding climate influence you or will you see the need to be more organized and willing to come early knowing that you might be the first at the party or event.

The bigger issue is that time is a gift that we can’t return and get a refund! So use your time wisely and benefit from helping those you love develop timing as a core life skill. Otherwise you can have ongoing marital or family timing blowups.

Failure is a good thing?

I know that being raised as an Air Force brat with a dad that flew B-52’s that failure was something that wasn’t tolerated. As my dad would say a simple miscalculation could end up with a bomb being dropped at the wrong location or an aircraft crashing into a populated area. Yet, the reality, which my dad so much lived out, was that failure is a normal part of your life experience. He was quick to say that to ignore this meant that you most likely weren’t going to excel in life and would be living a lie. The opportunities for growth come when we own up to our weaknesses and failures in life.

I will be the first to admit that the male species has a very difficult time admitting to weakness and God forbid actual failure. I know that one of the crisis points in my life came when a small group of peers told me that I needed to step down and leave my position as pastor as the church was gearing up to build it’s sanctuary. There was a definite clash in vision, sense of direction and leadership skills. The end result was that I felt like a failure. Yet, through this experience the doors were opened for me to discover and pursue my real passion in life.  This would never have happened if I had stayed and fought a battle with a few leaders.

Last night I listened to a couple of friends talk about how failure had shaped their lives.  One is in his fourth year as a medical student who graduated from Cal-Berkley and is at University of Arizona Medical School and the other is a sophomore at Grand Canyon University studying theology. They both shared about crisis points in their lives when it seemed as if life had come to an abrupt halt.

My medical friend really didn’t have any clue about direction in life as he studied at Cal and was in a pressure cooker because of being Asian. He applied to medical school and initially was rejected. It would have been rather easy for him to just walk away. Now he’s in his forth year and sees the light at the end of the tunnel. My other friend grew up in lots of turmoil and brokenness. It would have been rather easy for him not to do anything with his life. The odds were that he should have dropped out and become part of a gang and drug culture of Miami.

Why is it so hard for everyone, myself included, to admit to our fear of failure? What steps must one make to be more equipped to acknowledge our ‘screw ups’ in life? This may sound rather simplistic but to just talk about it with your spouse, friend or partner at work. This doesn’t require massive training or a graduate degree. The challenge is that we have birthed a generation where communication has become totally non-verbal; yes social media has taken over, so it’s not easy to know how to express yourself face to face.

I believe one of the greatest experiences in life is to have that helping hand reach out to empower you out after you have slipped or literally fallen on your face. I can’t imagine what my life would have been like if I didn’t have a few close friends who stepped up to bat for me and then literally made my transition work. The sad thing is that I would have missed all of this if I had pretended to be ok when I wasn’t. It’s so easy to have someone throw out quotes from famous people who have persevered in life because I don’t view myself as being an Edison, Jobs or Gates type.

So failure can be a good thing when understanding friends and family choose to walk with us as we learn more about life and the adventurous opportunities that are before all of us!

Rejection - How do you handle it?

Yesterday one of my favorite little gals in our group celebrated her 10^th birthday! Initially she hadn’t decided whether she was going to be sexist or have her special day be co-ed. Eventually her mom, with my encouragement, made it a girl’s only affair. The downside to this was that I was the bearer of bad tidings for a group of little guys who so much wanted to attended her party. Yes, a few of them had crushes on her. The look on Kobi’s face could kill! The next day all of them are still alive and ready to enjoy the day even though they missed out on the party, cake and a bag of candy or two.

The story of my little friend’s party is just a normal life circumstance. The challenge comes when we as adults have to face real rejection. The opportunity is to see rejection, the closing of a door as a pathway to seeing maybe a better possibility for tomorrow. I know in my life that one of the most ego deflating experiences became the opportunity to pursue what I really loved in life. I was in the middle of a leadership crisis where a few of my leaders wanted me to leave my church. This didn’t necessarily feel like anything to celebrate. I was upset, confused and not sure how to respond. You always have an opportunity to lash out, listen, reflect inwardly or just become an angry person.  I did all of that over a period of time before I received some great advice and TLC from a few friends and my better half.

What I learned through personal rejection in my life is that often I need to take responsibility for my actions or lack there of to realize that there might be something better down the road. Yes, today might ‘suck’ but ultimately I can discover that my bruises will heal and I will actually become a stronger person who is more capable of rising above life’s pettiness. Yet, the misfortune many experience is that they allow the little things, like not being invited to someone’s party or being fired as an excuse to play the victim card. This then gives us the rationale to go into hiding, pretend that we aren’t feeling great and then disappear into bitterness and hide inwardly to avoid everyone.

I had a totally different situation where a good friend had applied to get a better job and a pathway to a better life circumstances. The assumption was that because her others friends had gotten the job that it would be a slam-dunk. I was eagerly awaiting the acceptance e-mail and time for interview. The sad fact is that this person received the hey you have great qualifications letter but the present position is filled. So rejection and a sense of hopelessness followed for my friend. The difficulty was that my consoling him or her didn’t help. My personal stories or other life experiences didn’t make the job become open.

So what is your usual response to rejection? Yes, most of us get mad, throw a pity party, scream at the cat, dog or our kid and then usually retreat back into our caves. (This is especially true for guys!) The opportunity is to take a day or so to let it roll off of you and then go back at it with more determination and persistence than ever. There isn’t any formula for turning rejection into success or believing that you will feel better about yourself after a good night’s rest. I know that many would agree that choosing to break out of your normal routine will help you process the hurt. It doesn’t mean that it will go away very soon. Yes, tomorrow is always an opportunity to decide to help someone and get your emotions off of your hurt and maybe discover that there is someone close to you that is hurting more than you.

Bottom line is that all of us will experience rejection at times. This is just part of the human condition. The opportunity is to allow the rejection to make us stronger and more capable of living life to it’s fullest. So forget retreating back into your cave or allowing Netflix to become your life!

Cheating? Why do you think you will get away with it VW, you or me?

This last week saw one of the biggest automakers get caught in an outright lie! I know that for my generation owning a VW Bug or Bus was considered cool! What became even more the rage was driving a diesel VW. The CEO of VW has been fired and it’s a matter of time before the consequences of falsifying emission tests will cost the company millions. So why did VW take such a huge risk? Why is it the case too often that all of us, myself included, are willing to fudge to such an extent that we could loose out on life?

I have a close friend who I’ve been helping with his or her work situation.  This individual did something so crazy I was ready to scream, YOU KNOW BETTER! My friend needed to be at work by a certain time and another friend had asked a favor. This favor involved selling back to retail stores stolen merchandise without receipts in exchange for gift cards. The end result was my friend almost got fired from his or her job for being late and could end up being arrested for shoplifting. WHY take the risk?

It’s one thing to commit what I call a sin of omission, forget to do something that you normally do instead of out right planning what I call a sin of commission. This is where you purposely plan to break the law with the assumption that if you don’t get caught everything will be ok.  It’s amazing to see how rampant cheating has become on college campuses. The pressure on getting high scores on college entrance exams means there is more likelihood that someone will figure out a way to hack into the system to either get the answers or ‘doctor’ your score.

Why do we have such a fascination with cheating? How could one of the major automakers and biggest businesses in the world actually believe that they wouldn’t get caught in falsifying emission tests and not have any consequences? I know as little kids we would challenge each other to steal candy from the 7-11 or Circle K. This is never ok but understandable considering the age. Yet, why do grown adults who should know better take a risk with their career and reputation?

Is it really worth taking the risk to steal or cheat? The assumption by many is that they believe they are truly above the law or have a hotline to God that prevents them from being susceptible to getting caught!  The reality for everyone is that the law doesn’t give favors to anyone whether you are a young kid with stolen candy in your pockets or a Fortune 500 company that has been doing business on the ‘sly’.

Whatever happened to the belief that hard work will pay off in the end? Why always keep looking for short cuts when you know that persistence and perseverance work?

Don’t get caught or what I should say is why even attempt to cheat?