Understanding?

My life has changed again in a way that it is difficult to explain or others to understand until you face similar circumstances. My mom died over 2 years ago. My dad has struggled since her leaving with normal things that most seniors face, i.e. faulty memory, fascination with the past and the ongoing saga of looking for the keys or wallet. Over the last year my dad, who is truly amazing, would admit that he looses something every day that requires his all out search for a good portion of the day. This last week I decided that it was time for my dad to not be alone.

I share this in my blog to both help me process what I am facing with my dad and the ongoing grieving I have faced with the absence of my mom. My dad was a career Air Force Officer who flew B-52’s during the Vietnam War. I grew up on Air Force Bases and had a mom that was incredible in teaching me how to adapt to change and father who was gone more than around. Over the last six months my dad has started to show signs of dementia that at first were more an opportunity to laugh with him. Now this has changed and I am very concerned about dealing with a parent I truly love but don’t understand how he thinks or perceives reality. I know I would hate to have someone tell me that I am off or crazy. My dad’s fears to him are real whether I believe them or not.

I was raised as a child to not fear anything in life because God is always bigger than any circumstance. I watched my dad faithfully care for my mom over a decade as she suffered from having cancer. He was with her at the last minute and held her as she took her last breath. I am eternally grateful for my dad’s loving care of her! Now the challenge is that this is in the past and shouldn’t control the future. My logic or reasoning ability doesn’t help him understand that his imaginary enemies in life at present are real not a fabrication of his past and a mind that is functioning mostly on over time.

How do you care and love on someone who continues to say off the wall things that fly in the face of reason? I know that I am not going to persuade my dad to hear my side. His favorite expression is; ‘You’re not listening or you think you are smart and know everything.’ I am being humbled to see that loving my dad isn’t an option nor can I give him a smug little look that gives him a sense that I am superior to him. I cried yesterday when I expressed my own personal sense of grief over missing mom. Yes I believe in the sovereignty of God and his overarching care and provision but why does this have to happen to my dad and more importantly why am I the one to take care of him?

God is going to teach me what it truly means to be a humble servant that is on call 24-7 without excuse. My life is busy but it will change dramatically soon. I really don’t want this but see God pushing me.