The A Word

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life next to my mom’s home coming to heaven. (I was happy for her to be done with her cancer but so sad to not have her any more.) I can remember when my mom was first diagnosed with cancer. I know that my parents didn’t want to tell us right off the bat. I know that doctors struggle with telling someone that they have cancer. I know that using the C word can be devastating to most people. So even though I knew the purpose of taking my dad to a Neurologist’s office yesterday little did I understand the impact of hearing not the C word but the A word.

I arrived at my dad’s little studio yesterday after lunch with plenty of time to get him shaved and dressed for his appointment. As I got close to his door I could hear one of the staff talking with him. She was trying to persuade him to eat his lunch. I couldn’t get the just of the issue whether he wanted to eat in bed, which is a no no or whether he was just having a tough day. As I stood at the door listening I decided to let Rhonda do her best to persuade him. As she was about to leave I walked back in with her and explained to grandpa that he needed to sit up to eat and it was best not to eat in bed. He gave me one of those looks like who the …… do you think you are to tell me I can’t eat in bed. Yet, because I am his son he got up and sat at his desk. He did devour his lunch.

I sat in his amazingly comfortable chair and enjoyed watching TV as he finished off his lunch. I know that he didn’t really understand why it was so important for him to not eat in bed and more so get out and get some exercise. He is a homebody who would rather stay in his palace. I know that he isn’t the easiest to persuade to do something different so I do appreciate the staff that goes out of their way to get him up and out.

I am thankful that his hair has grown back a little. I know in the past he would find his razor and end up shaving his head to look like Kojak. (He was an old school tough guy cop on TV at night.) I did my usual warm washcloth on his face and then used some fancy shaving cream, which he loves. I shaved him and helped him look good and feel better. We changed shirts and put on some shoes. I knew that the journey to the Doctor’s Office would be easy but had little clue about the impact the visit would have on me. I didn’t expect to be in tears as I got my car back from the parking attendant, yeah I pretended to be a rich guy and had it parked to avoid taking grandpa the distance from the parking garage.

I filled out the usual 10 pages of info for the Doctor’s office to assure them I wasn’t going to bail on paying or the insurance information was correct. I was surprised to hear the nurse come out so quickly and call grandpa’s name. We walked slowly back to the room where the helper would ask grandpa questions. I so much wanted him to respond with yes today is Thursday the 19^th of January and it is 3:30pm. Yet, dad wasn’t able to do any of that. I knew that so why put him through such a humbling test. Yet, the reality was it didn’t really impact grandpa at all but just embarrassed me. He was able to say a few things correctly and could copy a picture on paper but couldn’t write a sentence.

The doctor eventually made his way to our room, which was hidden at the end of the maze of his office. He was very thorough in asking me questions about dad’s past and what had happened over the last 10 years. So I took the time to reflect on dad’s journey with my mom and his issues with getting lost, thinking he was broke and had a terrorist after him. I tried to paint an accurate picture of him today with reflecting on his time at Chris Ridge and our house.

I asked the usual questions about the A disease wanting to know why this was happening and what could stop it or slow it down. The doctor was great at explaining the use of different medications, etc… and the most recent advancements. He hadn’t seen his MRI so we went to a different office because this computer was on the fritz. As we sat down and he logged in the MRI did come up and we went through a series of pictures that showed the diseased part of his brain. This was primarily due to bad circulation that had robbed him of his mind over the years. I didn’t want to hear what the doctor said next that was the A disease was causing most of the problems and the vascular issues was secondary. Ouch I didn’t want to hear any of this but wanted to pretend that I could use the dementia word and everything would be ok in the end.

Dad waited patiently in the little office until we returned. We were done with the doctor after he gave me the prescriptions and PT instructions. We walked out after talking with Rosie the receptionist who was very helpful and nice. We walked slowly to the elevator and made our way back to the circular parking where we would wait for the attendant to bring us back our little yellow car. I don’t know what happened but as I called my Anne I started to cry. I was overwhelmed with the obvious diagnosis, which I knew had been there for years but didn’t want to face it head on. Yeah, I have tried to be the elder son and do my best but as my wife will remind me I’m not superman, even though I think I can multi-task and rock the world in my neighborhood. I dropped my phone and as I picked it up I was able to regain control and we decided to have dinner at grandpa’s favorite, IHOP.

I know in theory that God won’t test us or put us in circumstances that we can’t handle. Yet, I feel as if I am in a world by myself with someone I use to know that now tells stories about his Vietnam past with my mom by his side. I know that a year ago I would remind him that grandma never went to Vietnam nor did she fly B-52’s. Yet, what’s wrong with this now? Maybe in heaven she is reliving my dad’s past with him and did join him. I was frustrated when I went online to look for an Alzheimer’s support group to see a web page that was 4 years old? The journey has already begun and I am so thankful to have an incredible wife and kids who have already helped out so much. I am also blessed to have amazing brothers and a very caring sister in-law who is there all of the time.

Dad I love you whether you remember the day or date!