Family Feuds

I had the privilege of going back to St. Louis for my Great Aunt Alice’s Funeral.  I knew that my Aunt Elaine would most likely be by herself with just her Jack and maybe a few other family members. I had to go back to honor one of the few relatives in my life who hadn’t cause any drama and remembered the majority of my birthdays over the years and my kids. I share this blog not to blast my relatives but to make a confession that it isn’t easy not to have family feuds over the years. 

I have been blessed to oversee the funerals for both of my grandmas. These were over 25 years ago. I do have memories of one of the funerals where the dividing line was obvious in the way that those attending choose to sit at the funeral Chapel. I can remember saying that Red, my grandma, probably wasn’t too thrilled with the heated discussion about silly things like the time and day of her funeral. I know, now that I am aging, that it is much easier for older people to get their buttons pushed and be ‘bent out of shape’. 

We were truly blessed to be housed by one of my awesome cousins. I’m the outsider because I didn’t grow up in St. Louis where my parents grew up. I have been able to visit a little over the years but not enough to really know my cousins or their offspring and now their grandkids. I had e-mailed one of my cousins who forwarded the e-mail to his brother. This meant an instant e-mail where the welcome mat was put out and we had no choice but to say YES. 

It was a delight to stay with my cousin and his wife. It gave me especially an opportunity to hear more about my mom’s side of the family and some of the things that make us who we are. I know that most of my mom’s siblings and parents were somewhat ‘racist’. They grew up in St. Louis in neighborhoods that went from being all ‘White” to all “Black’. I can remember growing up in a ‘color bind’ world because neither of my parents were prejudiced against any race. So name-calling and slurs were not a natural part of my legacy. 

I wasn’t surprised to hear from my cousin how his mom and dad were very opposed to someone of a different race being part of his wedding. I shared how I heard a racial slur for the first time when I was visiting one of my grandmas during the week that JFK was assassinated. I was totally naive so when I asked my dad about this derogatory term I was taken back by his quickness to rebuke grandma. I learned a quick life lesson that week both about how my parents were different but also how it was easy to get the wrong impression about a racial group of people because of the acts of a few. 

I have been estranged from an Aunt and Uncle since my mom’s death, which has been almost 5 years ago. I am not proud of this but actually ashamed of what has unfolded. As I sat in the living room that was cluttered with kid stuff I sat and listened to my cousin and his lovely wife as they described some of the family feuds that were taking place with their larger family. At first it made my feud with my Uncle not seem to be that big of a deal Yet, the more I thought about it, especially after doing my Great Aunt’s funeral, the more I knew I had to attempt to make things right even if it meant that I swallowed my pride and intellectual integrity and admit that I was being a total a_____ knowing that I might have won an argument in my mind but ultimately created a broken relationship in protecting my dad from a slur. 

I know that we live in a world of haves and have not’s, those who value education and those that believe having a job and staying at the same job for 35 years is far superior to having 5 different jobs in a life time. I also understood that I grew up in a racially open family and that to be critical without being able to explain why was never acceptable. I also know that as my dad ages it makes it very difficult not to react to anyone that is critical of him or his service in the Air Force. 

So my hope, which might be naïve, is to reach back to my uncle, whom I know isn’t likely to forgive me or want to kiss and make up but I have to at least try. After listening to my cousin taking about his mom, my aunt, I know what I’m up against. Yet, for the honor of my mom and dad I will try! So I truly hope that I don’t end up causing any type of feud that lasts more than a day or so in our families.