I Wanna Scream!

I receive a text from an older friend asking if he can have a laptop for college. I receive another text from someone I’m helping that wants some of his own money for some impulse purchase. I get another text from a single mom with a large family asking for help with her empower box. I wanna help all of them but some times help isn't going to help. I grew up as a kid in a great home with a mom and dad who cared and were always there for me. I know that a large portion of my New City family, both young and old, don’t have much resources and don’t necessarily have a mom or dad that is there and cares.

The 20 something that wants a laptop for college doesn’t seem to remember he already had been given a laptop that he destroyed. I’m sure in his mind it was just an accident that saw the screen separate from the body of the laptop. Yeah, I’m thrilled that he is going to school. The difficulty is that I have already helped him in significant ways and he choose not to take advantage of the situation then, like 3 years ago. I don’t like saying but have to in this situation to help him step up and most likely get a part time job and see that even with a tuition grant that he has the means to get a computer.

I also know that my older teen that is in a group home isn’t as capable as most teens because of physical and past issues. These aren’t his fault but the challenge is that he knows its time to grow up and follow through. Yet, his present behavior pattern is still like a youngster who assumes someone else will take out the trash, clean up his room and even do his homework. I do want to continue to help this almost 20 something, yet, it doesn’t seem to work. I was at a meeting with a group of adults who help him and it was clear that he was withdrawing and avoiding the truth. I agree it is tough some times to look in the mirror in the morning and admit that I’m 10 pounds over weight and need to exercise more.

I have many families in my group that live day to day with food and funds. I can’t turn this around by providing food boxes or money for empower boxes or cell phones all the time. The reality, which is hard to accept, is that most of these single moms have made choices over the last few years that have put them in their present mess. I agree that it ‘sucks’ to have to get up early to work and stay up late to do laundry or clean up the mess in the kitchen. I didn’t cause the mess but I’m always asked to clean it up.

I was meeting with a close friend who lives in Guadalupe yesterday. She was very open to sharing her journey of allowing a ‘White family’ into her life. She complained loudly how she had reacted to churches and businesses that would come into her community to give out help but in a way that made her feel ‘dirty’ and less than human. I was truly amazed to hear her transparently share her story. It made me realize that it can be easy for me to help sometimes to make myself feel better or because of my circumstances truly believe that I’m the savior or special helper.

My journey, which isn’t a short one, is allowing people at times to fail without my help. I know this sounds cruel but sometimes you have to learn the hard way to walk on your own. Yes, I am in the background with a safety net that can be used. I know that in the last 10 years of my life failure has been what has helped me step up and do something totally different that has transformed my life. It isn’t easy and there is heartache that takes not days but years to process. I have another teen that has anger issues who decided not to go back to his school because he was being bullied. Instead he was going to do online high school. The challenge is that he hasn’t followed through with this and is now 4 weeks behind. This wouldn’t be a big deal if he hadn’t done the same thing last year.

Yes, at times I know that God wants to scream at me to pay more attention to his voice and I ignore him. So I can’t be too tough on others who have messy lives without much help. I’m glad that regardless of how far I fall that God is more than able to help me rise above my circumstances and learn. The great news is that today is a new day to enjoy the sunrise, my Starbucks and learn from the one who has been there before me – Jesus.