Tough Decision

I know one of the most difficult decisions in life is to follow through with a punishment for one of our kids. This takes on a totally different proportion when this is an at risk youth that you have been helping for 5 years. I don’t like having to ‘kick’ someone out of my house. I know that in today’s world to be homeless or without family or friends to help can be really difficult.

I first met this teen; I won’t mention names, almost 6 years ago. It was through volunteering at a large downtown urban ministry. We were doing a cooking class on Monday nights for the school year. It gave Anne and I and some friends exposure to what it is like to work with youth that come out of difficult circumstances. It was a rather chaotic experience of working with 50 youth and helping them actually prepare and cook a meal. I am surprised that no one lost a finger or was burned. It was through this class that the worker introduced me to this teen and his sister.

This began a relationship where I became more like a dad or I admit maybe even a grandpa to this teen. I really didn’t have much experience working with single moms who live off of government assistance. This opened my eyes to a totally different world of food stamps, empower boxes for utilities and a sense that someone else would always step in to rescue them. I can remember the first few months that we knew this family that I helped get their water turned back on, had a few friends provide an incredible Christmas for them and even buy dog food for Chester.

Over the next 4 years my teen friend became an integral part of New City. After his mom loosing a few different houses and apartments this teen moves in with us. Eventually his sister also moves in with us. We ultimately provide shelter, food, clothing and support for them. The mom was still in the background but didn’t communicate often or really provide much for their help. We became their source of soul support and funding. We loved helping but with a catch that they get life and grow up without becoming like their mom or circumstances.

We obviously discover cultural differences that could drive you crazy between hair products, the mechanics of how to vacuum the rug and cleaning a bathroom. Yet, through all of this I continue to love and have great expectations for this teen. I knew that he loved to dance or jerk and also do video. I provide him with a nice apple 17” laptop; it was green with a frog cover and the software to rock You Tube. The challenge now was that his love for video took precedence over school and everything else.

I confess to being a geek type and loving Apple products. So it isn’t too much to conclude that my teen friend would want to play with my new play toys from iPads to nicer laptops. I can’t blame him for wanting to touch any of these. The problem arose when he didn’t have any difficulty coming into my office without permission to borrow the frog laptop and even take it to school. I have a good memory so I knew that he was also snagging one of the older iPads for school too. I eventually confront him about all of this. It becomes a big issue when I have lent him a video camera that actually gets broken and he lies about that telling me its actually the battery.

It took a month or so for me to figure out that the flip video didn’t need a new battery but actually had a broken screen. I knew he didn’t want to tell me about this and probably thought he would be able to make money and save up to get a new one. This doesn’t happen and eventually I order another battery for it, he had taken out the battery to fool me and when I put in the battery I discover the cracked screen. I’m a little tweaked so I express myself to him in a way that gets his attention.

After the laptop and flip video camera I would have hoped that this teen would have wanted to stay on the right path in life. He ends up in a big fight with his mom over his unwillingness to get a job and stay in touch with her. He ends up leaving his family because he’s now over 18 and wants to live as an adult. He tires of a mom that screams and doesn’t show real interest but to control him. I understand his frustration with her but agree with her that he needs to get a job and finish school.

My teen disappears for about 6 months. I see him on occasion but he isn’t living with me nor is he involved with any of our activities. Then one day he calls up not really interested in telling me about life but needs $15 for an ID card. I’m a little put off that he assumes that he can call without checking in for months and that I would give him money. I initially talk and then explain that it hurts that he doesn’t call to check in but views me as the bank. I give him an opportunity to work for the money and he actually does it. He’s a good worker and usually polite.

Now move up to the last month or so. He hasn’t been in my house for a 10 months because his mom and sister had been living with us. He can’t be in the same house as his mom.  After his mom loses her job and doesn’t follow through I have to ask them to move in with some relatives. Then this teen seems to show up one afternoon. I knew that he was tired of living from a friend’s house to a cousin’s house. He didn’t have much clothes or ability to get food or real things like deodorant or toothpaste. We decide to let him stay with us but ask that he be accountable for where he is each day. He should have understood that disappearing for a week wouldn’t cut it.

We go off on short trips often and ask another friend to watch our house. Our teen had been gone for the last few days and hadn’t checked in so we were upset with him. He resurfaces while we are in California. I give permission for him to stay at our house. I’m assuming that he will be ok and do his normal routine. We are visiting Anne’s parents, my brother and our kid’s grandma Mary and her sister, Aunt Betty. It was after driving back from LA while I’m visiting with my brother that I get a call from our friend watching our house. Our teen friend had taken our truck while our house sitter was napping.

I talk to our friend watching the house and don’t really know what to do? Should I just chill and wait for our teen to return home with our truck? What if something happens to him or my truck? The more I thought about what happened, the teen had to find our extra keys and wait for our house sitter to snooze to blast off. I decided after talking to the non-emergency hotline in Phoenix to file a report so if the truck is out all night it might be found. I understood what could happen to our teen if he is caught in the truck without our permission. Yes, it is a complicated situation but ultimately the teen stole the truck. I end up talking to an Officer for an hour.

I get a text a little after filing a report that the truck and teen have returned safely. I talk with the teen and express my sorrow and displeasure with him for what he just did. Regardless of the reason for what he did he needed to realize I could no longer trust him with anything in my house.  I asked him to do a few things for me and then get his stuff and leave. He obviously didn’t want to leave and didn’t have an alternative for housing. I told our house sitter to make him leave.

We return from our 16-hour drive trip in 2 days and our teen is back at the house. We talk for a short time; I told him there wasn’t anything to discuss and to get his stuff and leave. I knew this was tough on him but he had decided to push the envelope and got caught. About an hour later our Police Officer friend appears and we discuss the situation. We decide not to press charges but to get him to talk with another Officer friend. I had e-mailed the situation to a few good friends who are on my board to get their input for what actions to pursue.

I Facebook my teen this morning and express that there is a path of redemption but he has to act soon. He needs to get a job, prove he is in school, do a drug test and talk to our Police Officer friend if he is to get any help with us. I pray that my teen will see God’s light and get back on the right track and seek to do what’s right and become a responsible young adult. Otherwise he will continue to be a con artist who lives off of others living away from God. I pray that he comes back to the Lord and gets back involved with New City as one who can talk about what its like to fail and then get back up. 

Electronic Nightmare?

I’m in San Diego for the day as we go visit Julie and Jon’s 95-year-old aunt. I go to fill the van with gas being the thoughtful husband. I put my debit card into the machine and it says go see the cashier. I am quick to slam the system and go in and give the individual my card and the exact same thing happens. I’m thinking to myself what is going on? How can my card not work? I know that there is money in the account and no reason for it not to work. What in the world is going down?

I can remember almost 20 years ago having an experience where my card had been hacked and I realized it as I got cash out and the balance was close to zero and I should have had $2k in it. This was before online backing existed and I quickly called the hotline and got a real person who helped me track my last 10 transactions and realized someone had hacked my account and was using it to pay their cell phone bills that were over $400 and then they had pizza delivered to their house numerous times. It took like 10 minutes to get the account closed, get a new card on its way and then file a complaint against the individual who had done this terrible deed against me.

This time it wasn’t as drastic but almost humorous. I had received a new card in the mail and had assumed it was for a different account because of the expiration info. I had shredded up the old card and assumed this was what I needed to do. Unfortunately I shredded the wrong card but the reality was that it didn’t matter because the card I typically use was the new card I just didn’t know it. I consider myself high tech savvy but realized that I totally misunderstood why the card had been sent. My normal card for the aaccount had been compromised and had been closed.

I laughed at myself, which I don’t do very often and realized as I’m talking to this customer service person that I had been brain dead when I opened up this envelope and didn’t put two and two together. The good news is that the card that I had ripped up I don’t use very often. I quickly tested the card and discovered that the customer service rep was correct and that I was delirious from having the flu.

I love being able to buy stuff online and manage my accounts from my iPhone or iPad but have to confess that I live in an electronic world that could have issues. So if I don’t have real cash on me and my account happens to get closed I’m in the dog house. I don’t carry lots of cash on me intentionally. So I realized too often that identity theft could happen to me. My life could be compromised too easily by having someone just walk by me when I’m in line at a store, ATM or Starbucks.

As we visit Aunt Betty who has been part of our lives over the last 25 years I know she wouldn’t have a clue about electronic anything. The world has definitely changed but not necessarily for the better. I have to confess that it is too easy to text or e-mail instead of calling or even better talk with someone face to face. I know that Skype or Face Time make it easy to talk via video to anyone in the world but I know that this isn’t the same as being able to touch someone.

Yes, I’m thankful that my Bennett fortunate wasn’t compromised and we can continue on our adventure through L.A. to personally connect with Grandma Mary and Aunt Betty today. I know they will enjoy our real time visit instead of having cousin Conn just Skype them with us. 

Helping or Enabling?

I struggle at times with knowing how far to go with someone who needs real help. I’m not talking about just advice or a lecture but a place to stay, food, bus money or the means to exist. Anne and I love helping people connect to God through connecting with friends within our network of friends. The challenge is knowing if there is ever a point at which you stop helping because it isn’t working?

I had received a text from a friend that works at my Starbucks. She was asking for advice with a homeless teen that was literally living at the Starbucks. I gave her some quick advice and said I was more than willing to talk to this guy. I came in later and gave her one of my cards and permission for the teen to call me. It took this teen another day before he called.

I’ve been impressed with this teen following through and getting some basics covered. The challenge, which Anne and I talk about, is why doesn’t he want to live at home with his step-dad and siblings? His mom died a few months back and it has been very traumatic for everyone. It is great that he has food stamps, medical coverage and school but his biggest need is a place to live. I know that the amount of energy that will go into work to provide for a room to rent or an apartment is way too much for a teen.

I have another teen that has been around us for over 5 years. He has so much potential but always seems to fall short. He could have graduated from High School last year but didn’t pass the AIMS test. He had it out with his mom, which I totally understand, yet, the rub with her and now me is this teen needs to get a job and quick floating around using people. I know that his mom isn’t capable of providing a roof and food for him so he needs to step up and learn to be independent. Yet, at present he has become a mooch that lives off his friends.

We had decided to let this one teen move back in with us for a season if he followed through with basics. One of the basics, which I have to enforce, is communicating consistently. It isn’t ok to dump off your stuff at my house and then disappear for a month. I can only track him down via Facebook. He doesn’t have a phone and his various friends I know tire of me texting them to find him. I don’t want to be the mean dad but last night he doesn’t come home nor does he call or Facebook me with what’s happening. I was a little ticked and even though this morning he calls and leaves a voice message I’m not sure why he didn’t come home?

I know that he is still living on the sly and doing things that aren’t ok but still believes that it is ok to take advantage of people. I know that he at times with steal stuff and sell it to his friends or be used by his friends to steal. He knows that I’m opposed to this type of life style. He has talked about finding a job over the last 2 years but has done really nothing. So what do I do? He too needs a place to stay, food and a place that can be a safe haven. Yet, we know ultimately he needs to figure out what it means to be responsible and live a life that is God honoring.

I have another new friend who is living on the street. He has to make some tough decisions soon otherwise he will wear out his welcome between the YMCA and me. I had helped him a little with getting his cell turned back on and gave him some cash for doing work with the expectation that these funds would go towards paying his Y bill. I know his story a little and understand that he is making huge progress with a past drug problem yet he still smokes and does pot on occasion. I told him that I really couldn’t support these bad habits. Especially when he needs food and shelter.

This guy is also at war with his parents. This makes it tough when you choose to continue to fight over family issues when you lose a home, support and the means to probably stay in school or get job training. I intentionally don’t view any of the help I give to someone as something that they owe New City or me. It is an outright gift so I don’t get bent out of shape when they don’t follow through or misuse the help. Obviously I want them to do what’s right and have a desire to give back so others can get help.

Yesterday, I had one of my 20-somethings actually pay me back for funds I provided so he could get his guard card. This enabled him to get a job at school that is now helping him make a significant difference. His willingness to give back now helps another guy who doesn’t have all of the funds needed to take his G.E.D. test. I’m learning that there aren’t any clear answers to life messes. I also know that my calling isn’t to be into fixing people but to point them to Christ, practical living expressions and connect them with other friends.

Grandma Doris

I have some incredible friends that as I get to know them I’m humbled to have them be part of what we do! We have painted a lot of houses over the last five years that gives me a lot of grandmas to have participated in what we do. Last night we had our usual Life Skill Group at my Starbucks. We had 15 teens, 3 college interns and our grandma – Doris. I had asked Doris to just come and briefly share about her life story.

I was shocked and fascinated with Doris having 13 siblings in her family. Doris is a strong woman who has weathered many storms in life but at 79 continues to be someone who chooses to make a difference in other people’s lives. I know most 70-80 year olds are all about retirement and the golden years. As I listened to Doris sharing her family history and then her journey in becoming a nurse and caregiver I realized that she is always going to be helping someone out. She presently works four days a week helping older seniors who don’t have much family support and still live independently.

We talked briefly about how the younger generation always has difficulty relating back to seniors. I tried to humorously explain to the group that I wasn’t any different when I was a teen or 20 something. Yet, the reality is that I’m now old and so much desire to be capable of relating back to different age individuals all of the time. I asked the obvious question as to why teens don’t like old people and why old people don’t like teens.

The teens were quick to say that older people are mean and don’t act interested in anything they do. I attempted to help the teens see that if they took the time and had patience that most seniors could intersect their world. Doris was quick to say that young people typically don’t understand respect and the need to listen to an older person long enough to understand their world. I quickly tried to relay the fact that everyone at some point in life has been young and now is old. Everyone has had the opportunity to attempt to relate back to someone who had been like them.

I blew away a few of the teens by sharing my journey with doing drugs while in high school and playing in a rock band. I tried to tactfully talk about the fact that it isn’t easy being a parent or adult who has to relate back to their kids, grandkids or nieces/nephews. I know that it is too easy to make the wrong assumption about someone not caring or wanting to understand.

We had a great discussion about the New Year and what lessons we learned from last year. I used a verse from Proverbs 14 that talked about the foolish leading a life that has them end up in the ditch. So we talked about what it is like to drive or verve off into a ditch. The reality is that you are stuck, have to ask for help and you can’t pretend nothing actually happened. I know that I had too many ditch stories that hurt me and those I love.

It was awesome to have grandma, as we refer to Doris, be part of our group and share, even in a brief way, the realities of what it is like to be 79. I still can’t fathom that Doris is 79 and has 13 siblings. My bigger hope is to have my kids and myself be more able to connect with our grandmas and learn from them!

Get a Clue!

I have had the opportunity over the last couple of days to talk with homeless teens that need to come up with a plan so they can do more than exist. I will say often to my group that few plan to fail intentionally but when you fail to plan guess what – you fail intentionally. I know that having a road map for life is so key to seeing God work, lives turn around and great things happen for the kingdom. So why is it so difficult to plan, follow through and look back on the blessing of thinking life out?

I have been privileged to have a group of college students help out over the last year with doing our work with little kids, teens and families. I can remember back to my college days and know honestly that I lived day-to-day or even hour-to-hour. I didn’t think much about big life questions or how I could impact the world around me. I was blessed to be involved with an amazing Inter Varsity Chapter that had lots of servant leaders that help mold me into a person that did care and want to make a difference.

The challenge for desiring to connect with more people and be more networked to do a better job of doing community service means I have to communicate ahead of time and not get bent out of shape if I have to remind people often. I know that some people are well intentioned but are the type to not really commit until the last minute or not communicate much if any at all. So the opportunities I face mean that I have to continue to reach out to my friends and politely bug them to step up and make a difference.

I have to be tough with these teen guys who are now a part of my life and household. It is so easy to live in a fantasy existence where I use others and don’t make much effort to change my circumstances. I know that parents, myself included, can at times be inflexible, stubborn or just mean which makes it tough for a teen to get a handle on life. I tire of both teens and adults who assume that someone else should have to do the dirty work for them and that they don’t need to get a job yet. The challenge for the guys I’m around is that they will end up sleeping on the street and go hungry.

It isn’t easy to know how to motivate someone to be different from their surrounds. I have examples of kids and adults who have ample opportunities to rise above their circumstances but choose to do zero. I have others who come out of even worse situations who are light years ahead. I always ask myself the question why is there such a stark difference? I know that beatings and torture don’t work too well and that most teens and adults react big time to someone screaming at them or telling them that how they are living is all wrong.

I can remember back to my college days and being fortunate to have parents who were very supportive but allowed me the freedom to make my own decisions and even at times fail. The example and role models my mom and dad provided continue to impact my life today. I think what is difficult for me and others to comprehend is what it would be like to not have many or any role model figures in your life. How am I going to learn about pursuing more education, applying for a job or saving money if someone didn’t help me learn this? Is it possible to really understand love and commitment if I haven’t experienced it through others?

Please pray for my teen guy friends who need to come up with a real plan for their lives. They don’t have family that is capable of helping at present. They need to finish school, get into college, get part time jobs, be honest about their circumstances and most of all seek God’s help. It is exciting to see someone get it and it is also tragic to see someone lose their life because of foolishness that happens with alcohol and guns.