Tough Decision

I know one of the most difficult decisions in life is to follow through with a punishment for one of our kids. This takes on a totally different proportion when this is an at risk youth that you have been helping for 5 years. I don’t like having to ‘kick’ someone out of my house. I know that in today’s world to be homeless or without family or friends to help can be really difficult.

I first met this teen; I won’t mention names, almost 6 years ago. It was through volunteering at a large downtown urban ministry. We were doing a cooking class on Monday nights for the school year. It gave Anne and I and some friends exposure to what it is like to work with youth that come out of difficult circumstances. It was a rather chaotic experience of working with 50 youth and helping them actually prepare and cook a meal. I am surprised that no one lost a finger or was burned. It was through this class that the worker introduced me to this teen and his sister.

This began a relationship where I became more like a dad or I admit maybe even a grandpa to this teen. I really didn’t have much experience working with single moms who live off of government assistance. This opened my eyes to a totally different world of food stamps, empower boxes for utilities and a sense that someone else would always step in to rescue them. I can remember the first few months that we knew this family that I helped get their water turned back on, had a few friends provide an incredible Christmas for them and even buy dog food for Chester.

Over the next 4 years my teen friend became an integral part of New City. After his mom loosing a few different houses and apartments this teen moves in with us. Eventually his sister also moves in with us. We ultimately provide shelter, food, clothing and support for them. The mom was still in the background but didn’t communicate often or really provide much for their help. We became their source of soul support and funding. We loved helping but with a catch that they get life and grow up without becoming like their mom or circumstances.

We obviously discover cultural differences that could drive you crazy between hair products, the mechanics of how to vacuum the rug and cleaning a bathroom. Yet, through all of this I continue to love and have great expectations for this teen. I knew that he loved to dance or jerk and also do video. I provide him with a nice apple 17” laptop; it was green with a frog cover and the software to rock You Tube. The challenge now was that his love for video took precedence over school and everything else.

I confess to being a geek type and loving Apple products. So it isn’t too much to conclude that my teen friend would want to play with my new play toys from iPads to nicer laptops. I can’t blame him for wanting to touch any of these. The problem arose when he didn’t have any difficulty coming into my office without permission to borrow the frog laptop and even take it to school. I have a good memory so I knew that he was also snagging one of the older iPads for school too. I eventually confront him about all of this. It becomes a big issue when I have lent him a video camera that actually gets broken and he lies about that telling me its actually the battery.

It took a month or so for me to figure out that the flip video didn’t need a new battery but actually had a broken screen. I knew he didn’t want to tell me about this and probably thought he would be able to make money and save up to get a new one. This doesn’t happen and eventually I order another battery for it, he had taken out the battery to fool me and when I put in the battery I discover the cracked screen. I’m a little tweaked so I express myself to him in a way that gets his attention.

After the laptop and flip video camera I would have hoped that this teen would have wanted to stay on the right path in life. He ends up in a big fight with his mom over his unwillingness to get a job and stay in touch with her. He ends up leaving his family because he’s now over 18 and wants to live as an adult. He tires of a mom that screams and doesn’t show real interest but to control him. I understand his frustration with her but agree with her that he needs to get a job and finish school.

My teen disappears for about 6 months. I see him on occasion but he isn’t living with me nor is he involved with any of our activities. Then one day he calls up not really interested in telling me about life but needs $15 for an ID card. I’m a little put off that he assumes that he can call without checking in for months and that I would give him money. I initially talk and then explain that it hurts that he doesn’t call to check in but views me as the bank. I give him an opportunity to work for the money and he actually does it. He’s a good worker and usually polite.

Now move up to the last month or so. He hasn’t been in my house for a 10 months because his mom and sister had been living with us. He can’t be in the same house as his mom.  After his mom loses her job and doesn’t follow through I have to ask them to move in with some relatives. Then this teen seems to show up one afternoon. I knew that he was tired of living from a friend’s house to a cousin’s house. He didn’t have much clothes or ability to get food or real things like deodorant or toothpaste. We decide to let him stay with us but ask that he be accountable for where he is each day. He should have understood that disappearing for a week wouldn’t cut it.

We go off on short trips often and ask another friend to watch our house. Our teen had been gone for the last few days and hadn’t checked in so we were upset with him. He resurfaces while we are in California. I give permission for him to stay at our house. I’m assuming that he will be ok and do his normal routine. We are visiting Anne’s parents, my brother and our kid’s grandma Mary and her sister, Aunt Betty. It was after driving back from LA while I’m visiting with my brother that I get a call from our friend watching our house. Our teen friend had taken our truck while our house sitter was napping.

I talk to our friend watching the house and don’t really know what to do? Should I just chill and wait for our teen to return home with our truck? What if something happens to him or my truck? The more I thought about what happened, the teen had to find our extra keys and wait for our house sitter to snooze to blast off. I decided after talking to the non-emergency hotline in Phoenix to file a report so if the truck is out all night it might be found. I understood what could happen to our teen if he is caught in the truck without our permission. Yes, it is a complicated situation but ultimately the teen stole the truck. I end up talking to an Officer for an hour.

I get a text a little after filing a report that the truck and teen have returned safely. I talk with the teen and express my sorrow and displeasure with him for what he just did. Regardless of the reason for what he did he needed to realize I could no longer trust him with anything in my house.  I asked him to do a few things for me and then get his stuff and leave. He obviously didn’t want to leave and didn’t have an alternative for housing. I told our house sitter to make him leave.

We return from our 16-hour drive trip in 2 days and our teen is back at the house. We talk for a short time; I told him there wasn’t anything to discuss and to get his stuff and leave. I knew this was tough on him but he had decided to push the envelope and got caught. About an hour later our Police Officer friend appears and we discuss the situation. We decide not to press charges but to get him to talk with another Officer friend. I had e-mailed the situation to a few good friends who are on my board to get their input for what actions to pursue.

I Facebook my teen this morning and express that there is a path of redemption but he has to act soon. He needs to get a job, prove he is in school, do a drug test and talk to our Police Officer friend if he is to get any help with us. I pray that my teen will see God’s light and get back on the right track and seek to do what’s right and become a responsible young adult. Otherwise he will continue to be a con artist who lives off of others living away from God. I pray that he comes back to the Lord and gets back involved with New City as one who can talk about what its like to fail and then get back up.