Living and learning your story

As someone who wants to continually improve as a communicator both verbally and in writing I know that telling not just stories but my story becomes paramount. Yet, the challenge for most is that we are always trying to live someone else’s story assuming that there is something wrong with our own? I just finished a variety of books over the last year that talk about individual’s stories that range from an alcoholic priest, who loves to write, a lawyer guy that takes his kids all over the world, a friend who writes about his son’s struggles between science and faith communities, a daughter who loves to review Christian books and blogs and the list can go on and on.

What is exciting is that these individuals are stirring up in me the desire to write and experience my story in the present tense. It is too easy at times to daydream or reflect on the past and at some point believe that as you age your story ceases to matter and is of little interest to most. Yet most of my favorites authors are old people who are very capable of making life interesting and exciting regardless of whether you had one of these bad hair days, are experiencing real tragedy or just won the lotto and don’t have to worry about the bills.

I’m very fortunate to have a wide variety of friends of all ages, backgrounds, racial mix and socio-economical settings. I’m learning to have real life experiences that don’t necessarily mean that you have to travel across continents, even though I have a gifted brother who is a professor, photographer, blogger who does this but have discovered the adventure in your backyard. Yesterday, I ventured with a group of 20 that were a mix of my present life, little kids, teens, college students and a good friend my age. We ventured up a hiking trail that was around 2 miles to the top after climbing around 1,000 feet. I always have a few speedy guys that race to the top, a few that go at a normal pace and a couple that question whether they really wanted to do this.

I decided to award the few that raced to the top a monetary price. So Bookie got $5, David got $4 and QT got $3. The story of my life is my passion to be with my kids, teens and college students in circumstances that at times can stretch them and get them to think outside of their life box to discover that there is a big world around them that is scary but with a friend tagging along they can do something that matters with their lives and will make a difference. I could go into detail about my kids that Bookie’s dad has been in prison since he was like 4, David’s dad lives in Cali and that QT has frizzy long hair for being around 9 years old. I could also talk about my friend Roger who has been around us the last 6 years and on occasion helps out with transportation and funding McDonalds.

What is incredible about the books I’ve read is that it helps to flesh out your own story and the fact that it is still being written and isn’t even close to being finished. I know that I will at some point write more about my dad’s life that did come to an end this last October. I was fortunate to be his special friend and helper over a period of three years. He taught me the importance of being thankful for the little things and to stop worrying and focus on the present. My wife has a habit of telling me to look up at the sky or I will joke that I’m already smelling the coffee. I have been blessed to have an incredible life partner that is always pushing me to do more and she would love to be a world traveler so I have to become more open to that.

I know that there are still some from Denver that are reeling from a Football game a month ago and many in Canada that can’t believe that the US beat them in sudden death shoot offs in the Olympics. I also know that the experience of a few skiers and others is that when you push yourself to the limit you make actually go over the edge, not get the gold and maybe even get hurt. Yet, I’m convinced that all of them will be back up trying again for future gold.

I admit that as a little kid I did dream about being a baseball player, a scientist and for a short time a flier like my dad. My life turned out rather different in that I did win a little league series in Montana by hitting 3 home runs, I did become an Eagle Scout, I have finished 8 marathons, have been married for 40 years and have 3 grown kids that are all married. I have lived in some amazing places like San Diego, Sacramento, San Francisco Area, San Luis Obispo and even Phoenix in the Valley of the Sun. Yes, I have traveled to India, Siri Lanka, Thailand, Korea, China, Hawaii and the craziest was to drive all the way down Baja Ca/Mexico to the tip to help a friend.

My dad is the one who could brag that he has flown around the world so many times that he couldn’t remember. He had done secret missions flying a B-52 with the ‘bomb’ on board just in case some world crisis happened. Yet, the greatest thing about my dad is that coming home was always to him the greatest adventure and gift. Yes, I can remember when he brought me back a super 8-movie camera from Korea during one of his Vietnam tours when I was a teen.

I like my story and wouldn’t trade it to be a rock star, even though that was my teen passion or a jet pilot like my dad. My dream and hope is to be able to also tell the stories of my little kids that are now becoming big kids and adults in the near future. I know that reading or hearing other people’s stories are the most inspiring way to learn about life and not be afraid to experience it even in the midst of going off the edge!

The Person Behind the Champion

I have the privilege of meeting lots of different people over the course of a year. This last year I have had an intern from ASU who is also a competitive swimmer. She is from the east coast where swimming isn’t as popular as in the valley of the sun. What is amazing about Melanie was how quickly she fell in love with one of our little kids, Ruby. It wasn’t too long before they became a pair. Ruby doesn’t have any brothers or sister and lost her dad at a really young age. Melanie became this older special friend and sister to her over the last year.

This last weekend we were able to watch Melanie compete against another college’s team on a lazy Saturday afternoon. What made this day special was that I could bring Ruby and a few of her friends to watch Melanie compete. I’m not sure that any of them really understood what was involved with being a swimmer who had a scholarship for college because of all of your training and ability. We watched our Melanie from up top on this massive arena as she won each of her different heats. She made it look so easy.

The special treat for us was meeting her parents who were out from the cold east coast to watch their daughter compete. What was inspirational was to hear how her involvement with New City had touched her life. What we were quick to say it was Melanie and her commitment to Ruby that had made a huge difference for our work. Little do most of our kids, teens or volunteers know what amount of time it takes Melanie to practice each week in addition to her classes and then her life outside!

I had done a lesson with my guy’s group about one of the Olympic gold medal guys from Canada whose inspiration in his life is his older brother who has MS. The great picture from the Olympics was these two brothers together, holding up their country’s flag. I had listened to a couple of interviews with Alex talking about his brother Fredrick. He mentioned how Fredrick had inspired him to never quit and keep trying regardless of circumstances. I watched Alex win a gold medal and could see his brother on the sideline screaming out for his brother.

What struck me as I listened to Melanie’s parents talk about their swimming journey was that neither of them swam and that it was a friend that drug her to the pool at a young age. I was a swim team parent for a few years so I know how much practice and involvement is required for the swimmer and their family. My hope for my kids, especially our Ruby, is to help them see that they too can inspire someone to go beyond their normal life expectations. It does take a lot of practice, determination and hard work to get to the Olympics but it can happen. What was so amazing about watching Alex get his gold and Melanie winning her heat was the people that were standing behind them cheering them to the finish!

Facing Death?

I can remember reading a book, ‘The Denial of Death’, during my philosophy degree time. It brought to the forefront the difficulty of most of us to admit to our own mortality and those around us. It isn’t until we loose a grandparent or a beloved pet that we are forced to consider the fact that we aren’t immortal. Yet, the focus of the book was that we live in a death denial culture where we go out of our way to make death look and sound as if it didn’t happen and isn’t really bad. The challenge is how are you or I going to face our own mortality?

I have struggled over the last 10 years of my life with the way that both of my parents died. I know that the wish of most is that we would either die in our sleep or go out in a blaze of glory doing something incredible. Yet, the headlines on the Internet, over the last few days, have been about the tragic death of an amazing actor who died with a needle in his arm. The clear question of why has to be in your mind. I have watched many die literally of old age where there really isn’t anything clinically wrong with them but they just stop wanting to live. I have an incredible story of my Aunt Alice who lived to almost 107. She is the oldest person in her cemetery. Al was a huge part of my life because she was always there and never seemed to change a whole lot over the years.

I have some close friends who are facing the onslaught of either cancer or dementia with their family. There isn’t any easy way to live as you consider whether to do chemo or radiation or nothing? My wife has worked over the last year in a palliative care unit in a hospital that has taught her much about the need to face up to what is actually happening in a person’s life. It is so easy to be selfish in times like this and not consider the individual’s quality of life. I have vivid memories of my mom’s decade long battle with cancer. She was an amazing example of someone who faced death with no fear. She was capable of experiencing huge amounts of pain without complaining. I watched her literally waste away over a couple year period of time. I believe that she hung on until she knew that my dad was going to be ok without her.

I watched my dad over a period of three years go from being able to function, carry on normal conversations and do life to someone that needed to be helped with everything. I was so fortunate to be with him during his last few months of life. He was so positive and cheerful about little things that wouldn’t matter to most but made my life rich and full of memories. He too came to a point where I believe he was ready to let go of this life for a better life. His last words to me will be embedded in my memory until my death. He and my mom have been my inspiration when it comes to facing tough times in life. It is so easy to shut down and not say anything. I have been guilty of this when I was hurting from my parent’s deaths.

We were recently at a 90^th birthday celebration of our kid’s grandma. Mary has been a huge part of our lives. We all know that Mary and her sister Betty, who is 96, won’t be with us that much longer. Yet, I was so thrilled that all of us could be there with Mary and surprise her. The best gift she could experience on her special day was to be with her family and special friends. The great opportunity for all of us is to choose to communicate with her and help her see how much we appreciate her life and love for all of us. Yes, there will be a day when we will gather again to celebrate her life and say thanks but it was so much better to do that with her.

I will watch my wife over the next couple of years face the death of her parents. I have said many times it is so easy to talk about something until you actually experience it and then face the reality of real heartache and pain. I don’t wish this upon anyone yet it is best to be prepared and think through how you are going to approach the unthinkable topic. The beauty of life is that it does have a progression and path that is clear whether we accept it or not. I enjoy my old age as I mentor and help my teens, college students and grandmas in my neighborhood.

Life Change Happens Two Steps Forward and Three Steps Backwards

Life is always a series of ups and downs that we are too slow to admit and afraid that it will burst the bubble of our spotless reputation of those around us. I have been raised to believe that hard work, commitment, passion for life and learning are key to figuring out your path in life. I have also learned over the years that handling failure is more critical to someone’s life long growth than how many successes you have had. It has been amazing to watch a few of my teens who have experienced failure, because of their own poor choices, be able to later step up and be an influencer for the good of others.

It was a year almost a year ago that one of my teens did something crazy at his school that potential could have had him locked up in prison for a long time. He was just being his typical joking and sarcastic self. The only problem was that a few girls took what he said in a serious fashion. This ended up with his school being on lock down and he almost being arrested. I know that in his mind this was all a harmless game that everyone plays at time. The end result was seeing his dad struggle with having to follow through with what seemed to be a nightmare. It required meeting with an attorney and ultimately having a probation officer follow him for the next 4 months. The end result was that he was cleared of his offense, which could have been a felony and is now given an opportunity to help others make better choices.

Yesterday was an incredible day for me as I watched my teen become an agent of grace that showed another younger guy how to make better life choices. My teen was able to hang out with this younger guy and share with him how doing ‘dumb’ stuff isn’t cool and ultimately hurts those who love you the most and don’t deserve all of this grief and heartache. This young guy had done something that could see him in Juvenile Detention. It will cause his mom, dad and stepmom a lot of grief. I’m not sure if her realized the serious of what he did but my teen has helped him see the choice of two paths before him and the end result of both paths.

My teen helped him see that the pressure of gang influence isn’t good even though it feels like you have a family and that everyone cares for you. The reality is that gangs are selfishly using you to get what they want whether that be stealing something or hurting someone. The end result is horrible for everyone involved and the unfortunate reality is that too often someone totally removed from the situation is hurt or killed!

Yes, I am proud of my spiritual grandson who after 5 years is showing the impact of having a group of adults love him, push him, shape him and event at times scream at him has produced life changing results. I know that I could have talked with this young guy but wouldn’t have been able to speak into his heart. My teen, who has been there and done that, was able to connect in a real life way. I love you son – grandson!! Keep up the hard work of staying on the life-giving path. I know that it isn’t easy with all of the temptations around you but as you help others it will re-enforce all that you have learned.

Mary - My 90 Year Old Hero & Grandma!

It has been almost 30 years since Mary Eaby welcomed us into her family. She has taught me during this time the real meaning and expression of godly love. Mary is someone that grew up during the depression and experienced real hardship in life. She is someone that doesn’t necessarily say a whole lot but shows her love and concern for you by her actions! As we gathered for her 90^th birthday it was incredible to hear story after story of her neighbors and church friends.

I have moved often in life and have seldom had the ‘good’ neighbor experience. Usually it has been someone complaining about same lame thing like parking in their spot on the street. At times it has just been the sense that no one really notices you or really cares. Our Mary is someone that goes out of her way to be the neighborhood caregiver! I heard story after story of neighbors that were shocked to see this older lady placing their newspapers, LA Times, on their front porch. This happened regardless of rain or shine.

Mary has this passion for loving little stray dogs. She has taken in many over the years. Her real gift is being that neighborhood dog watcher. She has at times sacrificed her wishes to be the caretaker of a neighbor’s beloved pouch! She has an even more amazing gift of being a class 1 baker who loves making cinnamon bread and other various treats. She is the type to spoil those that are in her circle. We have benefited from her baking over the years.

Our story starts almost thirty years ago when we met her granddaughter in my Anne’s sister’s kindergarten class. Robin, the perfect teacher type, caught us off guard one day when she mentioned that she had this great little girl in her class that was in foster care. We had the perfect family of three with our Heather being 8 years old. We had discovered recently that any more pregnancies for us would be high risk and were open to consider adoption but really hadn’t talked about it in a serious way.

We had mysteriously met Connie, the foster mom and then talked with Grandma through her initiation. Julie was a cute little girl with long hair, beautiful eyes and a very lively personality. We had little comprehension of what she and her brother had gone through as little kids with a single mom. Mary become the draw for us to seriously think through the process of adopting these two kids that lived in San Diego while we lived in Walnut Creek.

As we were enjoying Mary’s 90^th Birthday lunch at Marie Calendars I asked our Julie if she remembered the first time we met which she was quick to say yeah! It was at Jon’s birthday party and what stuck out the most was this little obese dog that couldn’t really walk but seamed to roll around much like a little seal. We enjoyed our time with meeting Mary and also the foster mom, Connie. This began a two-year journey that saw Grandma go out of her way to show us her love for her little grandkids and for including us in a way that we were instantly made family.

Looking back I didn’t necessarily appreciate the hardship and sacrifice that Mary experienced as a single parent that struggled with your typical wild-child teen. (This could have been my brother or me.) What stood out is that I never heard Mary complain or make excuses about her circumstances. What stood out was that she worked for an entire lifetime for the police department as a secretary. She spent most of her spare time and resources on pursuing her little grandkids. She prayed that God would bring them a family. It was through her consistent prayers over the years that I believe God ‘hooked’ us up with Mary and the greater family.

I understand the dynamic of different generations and that Mary’s was one where you didn’t talk much about the past and looked to a brighter future and tomorrow. It was this type of drive and determination that saw her grandkids do more than survive in foster care but be loved by a grandma who would make the trip from LA to San Diego often regardless of her fear of driving on the freeway.

As it became clear that we were serious about Julie and Jon, as if we had any real choice, the path became obvious that we would have to go through a over a year’s worth of battle with the social services departments in San Diego and Contra Costa Counties. It was during this time that most would have given up and thrown in the towel because cross county adoptions were just not done. Again, I believe it was through Mary’s prayers during this time that God worked a miracle.

We had initially attempted to do fost-adopt but was told a big NO after going through a year’s worth of effort. Mary during this time continued to contact us on a consistent basis and we would visit the kids because our families at this point all lived in San Diego. What brought this to a head was that the kids were moved from an incredible foster home with the Torres family to a different family that wasn’t good. We got rather upset along with Mary and saw the need to enlist the help of a good attorney friend to get the attention of all involved.

What was amazing looking back was that a close friend from grad school had recently gotten married and his wife turned out to be a supervisor for the San Diego County Social Services Department. She personally took it upon herself to make sure our kids had a consistent social worker. It was during this time that our kids were able to visit us in our home in northern California. Now we could see the light at the end of this 2 plus year tunnel. Mary had become part of our lives and we saw her huge heart for her grandkids as they went from being little to now starting to grow up.

It was in February 1989 that this adventure began as we had Mary’s kids now come to live with us as we finalized the adoption. I believe that this was a mutual adoption where we were blessed to get Julie and Jon and Mary adopted us. It has been over the last 25 years that we have seen Grandma love us from a distance with her meaningful little notes and cards she sends all of the time. She has sacrificed her resources on us in ways that tears come to my eyes. I am convicted when it comes to my selfishness and how Mary is the ultimate example of someone that has laid down her life for her grandkids, which included our Heather, Anne and me.

I’m thrilled that we were able to surprise our Grandma at our 90^th birthday Celebration. This will be a lifetime type of memory that will impact all of us for the rest of our lives.