What is love?

I have the privilege of doing a wedding ceremony on the weekend. The weather is now supposed to be rainy and cold for the rehearsal and a good possibility of rain for the actual ceremony. It is always interesting to get to know a couple through the lens of doing pre-marital counseling. After being married for a long time, like almost 40 years, it is easy to see whether a couple has the foundation or basis for a good relationship. The challenge today is that the notion of love is an alien concept for the coming generation.

The stats are against most who choose to get married. The odds are that your marriage won’t last more than a few years. If you especially follow in the footsteps of your celeb types it will last only a few months. So as I do pre-marital counseling the goal isn’t to ‘fix’ the couple but attempt to give them the tools to better understand the practical mechanics of making life changes. It requires real work and creativity to not become roommates that tolerate one another after living together for a few years. It isn’t easy to sacrifice your privacy, pocketbook and personal traits for the sake of another. As my Anne would say sex is over rated. (Don’t get me wrong sex is an amazing gift that I so much enjoy and desire with my mate!) The challenge is that if sex and feeling good are the only basis of your relationship it is doomed.

As I sit in a Starbucks waiting for a friend to meet I have taken the time to read and re-read the love chapter in the Bible. It is an amazing picture of what love isn’t and what are the ingredients of real love. I know with my education in the original languages that there are three different words for love, eros, phila and agape. Each of these capture a different aspect of what God intends for us in our relationships with our best friend – life partners. We are called to have an erotic and intimate relationship where two literally become one. The context where this can happen and be healthy has to be where we are actually friends. Yes, a relationship is based first upon friendship before sex. What helps us live out this friendship that becomes intimate and special is our ability to love unconditional with our focus on our spouse not totally upon ourselves.

This triad description of love is typically confused in today’s society. It is too easy to assume that intimacy can happen instantly and friendship can follow. I love watching Seinfeld, where Jerry and Elaine would talk about how it would be impossible for them to be friends and have sex together without it ruining their relationship. I know that we live in an instant gratification type of society where we can get what we want when we want it without any costs, at least for a few months.

So how does someone have any chance of experiencing real love without it being polluted by the world around us? I have grown up around people who assume that their spouse is supposed to make them complete, happy and totally fulfilled. Yet, what happens to the couple that have lived together for a few years and decide that getting married is important, yet, the reasoning behind living together was for what purpose?

What happens when you have lived together but haven’t shared life totally together? Let me give a few examples of how it can be an eye opener when you decide to do something like actually get a marriage license and have a ceremony with hundreds of friends and spend 25K or borrow too much for the perfect day. I know that finances will always be a sore point between most so what happens when you have lived separate money lives where you pay for this and she pays for that. Do you have to worry about his/her’s debt? What about your car, laptop, furniture, house, etc…? God forbid that you have pets and have to decide whose pet stays and whose goes?

This type of conversation helps push you to see that love is more about communication and a willingness to share, sacrifice and compromise. This may not initially sound very romantic or sexy. Yet, when you are willing to do the dishes, take out the trash, clean up the dog poop in the backyard and clean the bathroom then you start seeing the bigger picture? Life is more about building a relationship that can grow through sharing life’s daily loads in practical ways. Yes, candy, flowers and notecards can help grow a relationship but what works best is eye-to-eye contact and a willingness to listen and then respond.

As I re-read through 1 Corinthians 13 it continues to strike me that love isn’t something that is understood or lived out by many. I see more drama, hurt feelings and false expectations happen then a sense of redemption taking place through healthy relationships that can forgive and see past today’s blow up. I hope I’m able to communicate a little bit of the true meaning of love in Saturday’s ceremony.