Fair Fight?

I have lived in the ‘hood’ over the last 7 years and now better understand the importance of defending and protecting yourself from the real evil around you. I was blessed to have been raised in a relatively secure environment with a mom and dad that always stood up for me. I can’t ever remember having to defend myself because of someone just deciding they didn’t like me. Yet, I know that many of my teens and little kids have to figure out the mechanics of how to defend themselves in a way that they don’t show any weakness.

Last night we had our mentor group and dinner gathering. Some of the purpose of getting together was celebrating Stick Boy’s 16^th birthday. We had hamburgers cooked by our own culinary expert, Chalino, along with the help of a few others’ hands. The highlight was the birthday cake and ice cream for most. My highlight was hearing from a good friend her journey with understanding the dynamics of how to fight and forgive in the right way.

We always end our time together with discussing a topic that has true relevance for the group. I began our discussion on how to fight fare by highlighting numerous examples of spats in our group over the years. I started off with the most recent fight between two sisters in the back of the van as we are driving to the snow and Flagstaff. I mention one of the first fights at the skating rink was over someone calling someone else ‘chicken legs’. I highlight a few other tiffs that saw a girl beating up another guy.

The tension which all understand is how to deal with my own anger over the injustice that happens around me. I know that few want to stand back and let someone else get the upper hand or last word. So how far do I go in getting even or making sure that my revenge hurts the most? I had one of our older teens share why he felt that one of his best decisions last year was learning how to forgive and not keep going to get even?

I have one of our older interns, Nancy; share a little about her story with being in the Army and now working at a big company. She mentioned that in the Army you talked about watching someone’s back. Her point was that in the middle of real life circumstances you don’t allow petty things to get in the way. Once someone else has watched your back you are more likely to step up and not worry about who is right or wrong.

One of my good friends, whose dad’s house we painted 4 years ago, now shares her story about her sister. Sandra was the baby in the family who floated between her siblings as she went to Jr. High and High School. Eventually she becomes her dad’s special helper after the death of her mom. Sandra is a true fighter that wouldn’t take any crap from anyone, especially her sisters or brothers. I had come to love and admire her dad, Al Sanchez, after painting his house and then visiting him on a weekly basis for years.

It was just as difficult for me to watch Al slowly lose his battle to many ailments over a period of a year. He had put me in his cell so there were a few times I ended up at the hospital with him before most of his family appeared. I knew that his failing health would cause big issues with end of life decisions and the bigger questions of who would get his house, truck and little left in the bank.

Sandra shares about her older sister who tries to take control over everything. She makes life miserable as the decisions of whether dad should die at home or hospice is really a joint decision not a choice of one. So after Al’s passing the war continues. I knew that Sandra would be in the middle of this. So Sandra shares her deep displeasure with her sister for going after her in ways that are hard to comprehend. (Her sister turns off the power, water and phone after her dad dies at his house.)

The war had started and didn’t end with the other sister’s help. I tried to connect with this one sister and only got a religious justification for her actions that were so far from being the truth or God’s heart. I knew that Sandra had gone to counseling for the last year because of her sister. So as I joked with her attending a conference at a mega-church I had no idea that God would set her up to reconnect with her sister and put things right.

Sandra shares in rather graphic terms her way of dealing with life. She didn’t spare any words. So as she sees her sister helping out at this conference she takes the advantage of this opportunity and they do coffee together. Sandra, not his sister, takes the initiative to set things straight. It’s clear as Sandra shares this story that she not her sister is the one pursuing reconciliation. I am so proud of her because I totally understand the heartache she has experienced over the last 5 years with her family. The sad fact is that her sister didn’t acknowledge her part of the mess or problem.

The teens were taken back with her energy and life experience. So is there a fair way to fight? I know that as an advocate for many at times I have to be a bull dog and scare someone into doing what is right instead of watching, waiting and doing nothing.  This is very difficult topic to address and there isn’t an easy 1, 2, 3 type of response.