After this presidential campaign season the old adage that
the two things everyone must face in life is death and taxes will change. So
the common ground for all is facing our own mortality and those who we love.
This last week has been rather difficult for me as I remember the lives of my
mom and dad who died in the same week in October but separated by six years. I
know that time is supposedly going to help make life’s tragedy easier to handle
but the reality is it doesn’t.
I have attempted over the last nine years of my life to do
something special to remember my mom and dad. I do this not as an old man but
as a kid and teen who grew up with some amazing stories with exceptional
parents who taught me so much about life! It was my mom’s decade long struggle
and journey with cancer that gave such me such a window into facing suffering.
My dad’s journey with Dementia taught me so much about how important the simple
things in life should be!
As I relate back to a close friend who recently lost his daughter
I know that the shock and heartache will continue for a lifetime. The question
is whether I can purposely come to grips with the beauty and mystery of life in
death! The premature birth of our first daughter brought use very close to a
daily struggle as to whether she would live another day. Late night calls from
her primary doctor or nurse in the ICU about our daughter’s near death episodes
left us on an emotional roller coaster for a year plus.
Suffering is different for everyone but becomes a window
into our souls and how we value our life and relationships with family, friends
and even strangers. My dad’s journey with slowly losing his ability to remember
taught me the importance of reassuring him that I would always return and that
my good-bye was never final. I learned over time that the details for him
weren’t important but choosing to sit with him or share something as simple as
a milkshake made his day. The rich memories I cherish come back to just
watching my dad who becomes like a kid in the final leg of his journey.
As I’m sitting in a coffee shop taking in the story that is
showcased by a group of pictures taken by my brother while in Rio that
highlight the story of kids that have grown up in the Favelas (dump cities) I realize
how fortunate I have been in my life. I can’t fathom what it would be like to
live and die as a homeless youth that has figured how to make life happen in
the midst of a real struggle to exist! Yet, the message behind these photos is
that life can transcend any setting and be rich, meaningful and exciting. The
challenge and obstacle is that too often we allow materials things or wants to
distract us from what’s really important in life.
As I talked to my good friend who had just lost his daughter
to a very tragic death I understood that words don’t help when it comes to
comforting someone! It’s best to listen and affirm. The last thing one should
ever do is to make some bizarre statement like God needed your kid, spouse or
grandparent in heaven to help. I know that it’s also easy to say that now
they’re not suffering anymore and doing oh so much better. Yet, the truth of
the matter is that you can’t lessen the heartache or struggle with these types
of platitudes!
The truth of the matter is that the struggle is real and at
times bad things do happen to good people and at times it appears that bad
people seem to escape from tragedy and heartache. The most reassuring fact for my friend and
myself is that we have an amazing God who is more than able to comfort and help
with the big questions in life.
Yes! I miss my mom and dad who played such a crucial part of
my life, yet I know that ultimately one day my son and daughters might be
caring for their father who might also have Dementia. So choose to be kind and
understanding and most all learn how to become a good listener!
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