I will never forget the expression of the owner of a group
home where I had my dad live for a season. I was asking her about her life
story and why she was doing a group home for seniors. It was almost with tears
that she shared the story of her husband working on this house in the attic
repairing an electrical line. As she relived the experience it was as if it
happened yesterday. Her husband was accidentally electrocuted while attempting
to add a line for a new room in the house. Oddly enough because I’m a pastor
she made the statement that too many well-intentioned friends had made the
comment that God must have needed her husband to help in heaven.
I flinched with emotional upset as she shared how her
initial reaction was to scream but I NEED MY HUSBAND with my three young kids
more than God needs him! I will always remember the reaction of close friends
and family when our first child, a two pound and three month premature baby,
didn’t come home from the ICU after a couple of months. We had emotion-riddled
questions of whether we wanted baby gifts, condolences or to be left alone. I
experienced first hand how awkward it is to have someone say a trite statement
like all things work together for the good of those who love God. Yes, I love
God and yes I hope my baby lives and isn’t permanently brain damaged but saying
this didn’t HELP at the present moment at all.
I will always remember the day that my parents came for a
visit from San Diego to share with us some extremely sad news. We were sitting
in our new home patio that looked out onto my koi pond with a waterfall. It was
a rather picturesque setting but didn’t take away the shock and sadness of
hearing that my mom had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Little did I
know that the next eight years of my life and the lives of those I love would be
rocked by the horrible chemo journey of the lady who taught so much about life.
The amazing truth of my mom’s cancer journey is that she taught me how to face
what seemed like impossible circumstances in a positive way.
Recently I had a message from a close friend of 30 years
tell me about the unexpected death of their 22 year old daughter. I was in
total shock and numb because of the circumstances around this incredible young
woman’s life circumstances. I personally was on a personal emotional roller
coaster as I attended the funeral. I can remember talking with this friend
about how saying his daughter now wouldn’t be suffering didn’t help him deal
with her tragic death.
As if this wasn’t enough I had another close young friend
text me a few days later about the murder of her incredible step-dad. I can
remember telling someone almost in a joking fashion that after having lived in
the hood or barrio the last 10 years that I had lots of friends of friends who
have experienced the violence of racism, gangs or drug dealers but I hadn’t
lost a friend yet to this insanity. I could have bit my tongue as I remembered
that horrible statement. Because now I have a close friend who was murdered
while trying to help a group from being attacked by a thug or gang-banger type.
I have rather painful memories of arguing with my incredible
wife and son about the horrible death of my mom and how they didn’t understand
the pain I was experiencing. I didn’t appreciate their quickness to judge me or
say things that from my perspective were totally off base. I also remember
saying the horrible statement to my wife that until you lose one of your
parents you won’t get the pain and sense of being homeless because the one that
raised you is now gone. Death of natural causes at an old age is to be expected
but death by chemotherapy is truly a tragedy.
I watched my dad slowly lose his sharp intellectual ability
over six years as Dementia transformed him into a youngster at 80. I learned
the hard way to accept his crazy stories about my mom and him. The difficulty
even as a pastor is that I’m supposed to have words of comfort from Scripture
but know from experience that usually a listening ear, a hand shake or a hug
helps the most.
So here’s a couple of NO’s when it comes to helping a friend
who is facing tragedy. Please don’t say that God has called their loved one
home to heaven and that that person will now be helping with the ongoing
organization of the heavenly kingdom. Also be careful not to say that things
will be ok in a few days or weeks because even after nine years I can still be
a crybaby as I remember my mom’s life and horrible death circumstances.
The most important lesson I can share about caring is that
listening, giving a hug or sharing a tear together can be more impactful than
anything that comes out of your mouth. Giving space and not asking the obvious
question about how someone is doing can be helpful. Dropping a gift card or
meal can go a long ways in helping get through a day. Yes, it is even just as
important to stay away from social media and not post pics or say how great
this person happened to be. Please let the family do this.
Yes, I still hurt and cry inwardly at the memory of my mom’s
death but what has given me hope is that her life taught me how to face
tragedy.
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