I have had my dad with us now almost a year. I will never forget the day I drove to San Diego to persuade him to come to Phoenix. I had called him the day before to mention that I would be there to visit. I call as I am arriving to discover that he hadn’t remembered I was coming. This was a last minute decision because it was raining and my painting project was cancelled for the weekend.
As I knocked on his door he eventually answered and was glad to see me. All of the curtains in his little house were closed and the lights were turned off. We talked a little. I sat in my usual place and glanced over the surrounding of cluttered papers, blankets and books. The living room was too bad considering that my mom had lived on the couch for almost 5 years during her bout with cancer. I was careful not to push my dad’s button. He shown signs of being unclear about a few things that concerned me, so I asked the simple question of lets go out for breakfast at Denny’s. This was an easy choice because mom loved to go there.
I imposed on him that we take my truck and that he not drive. He had grown increasingly unable to navigate the terrain around his place. We arrive and enjoy a nice meal together. We talk a little and then I take him back to his place. I begin the discussion that ultimately will lead to him saying yes to moving out with us in Phoenix and leaving behind the house that now had too many dark memories. He had said some things over the last six months that concerned me about his mental condition. We had talked as a family a little about his having dementia and that mom had covered for him a lot over the years. I was totally shocked when he said yes he was ready for a move and that he had always wanted to live in Phoenix.
I went over to my brother’s house while my dad began to pack and get his important papers together. I enjoyed the rest of the day with my nephew and niece. I know that when we actually left the following morning that it would take him hours to find all of his stuff, so when it took a couple of hours of waiting I was prepared but still a little impatient. So as I begin to reflect over the last six months while he has been at Chris Ridge and struggled with his dementia and my lack of patience at times it is too easy to let circumstances overwhelm me.
I know that my dad has problems, which I can’t fix and I have to attempt to steer him as best as possible through a world that exists to him but no one else. He at times comes across perfectly normal and capable of talking and doing most things. Then there are other times where he has become fixated on something that totally drives me crazy. He will go off on something in the past that never happened and I am supposed to pretend that it is true and everything he says actually happened. It is ok with things that don’t matter but when it comes to present tense circumstances such as how my brother calls but then always hangs up on him. I laugh when he goes off on one of the staff that is always using his toilet and making messes, which take him the whole day to fix.
My point in writing this is to admit that I know better now and shouldn’t let something blow me out of the water. Yet, my human nature or male ego makes it tough not to say something or try to argue with him knowing that ultimately I will hurt him. So the last couple of days I have found him asleep in his bed around lunchtime. I know that he has always been a night owl and may still be in the mode but it scared me to see him totally out of it at noon the last couple of days. The first time I ended up getting into a fight with him. I did get him lunch and try to talk to him but it was clear he was upset and I was ticked also. The next day I was more gentile and diplomatic. We had lunch downstairs which helps him get out and have a better day.
I have struggled with the lack of real care he is receiving where he is staying and the doctor who is trying to help him is impossible to contact and get a response. The staff at his residence is kinda hit or miss. I don’t mind being his advocate but can tire at times when there doesn’t seem to be much progress made. I love him even though I don’t always understand him or his way of thinking about things. I was an emotional basket case the last couple of days knowing that he could stay this way and actually get worse.
I’m busy all of the time and I know that he senses that I am rushed with some of my visits. Other times I will just sit in his chair and watch him take a nap. I am learning that loving my dad is a whole lot more than just dropping into his room and saying hi.
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