Broken?

I have just finished reading an incredible true-life story of a Harvard graduate who grew up in brokenness while being surrounded with affluence. She is born into a world where her dad is a very successful lawyer who works too much to avoid his alcoholic wife and kids at home. This girl grew up trying to get her father’s attention only to be overwhelmed by her mom’s addiction, which soon became hers.

I had recently watched a 10-minute TED clip on CNN that had Leslie Morgan Steiner share her story. It is rather difficult to summarize years of abuse both as a child and as a Harvard grad married to a man that could walk out of the movies who ultimately tries to kill her on many occasions. I just finished her book, ‘Crazy Love’, which I Believe everyone needs to read to better understand domestic abuse and be part of the solution and not continue to allow this type of violence to continue in the home.

I know that my experience of working in the hood with under resourced families is the obvious place where this type of abuse would happen all of the time but the reality is that it takes place in all types of families without any respect for socio-economic circumstances. The fact that Leslie grew up in a very affluent neighborhood in what would be deemed almost a castle didn’t stop her mom from avoiding real life with the bottle or her own dad to avoid the pain and heartache of the loss of his sister when he was a young kid by staying late at work everyday.

I was so blessed and so is my Anne to have grown up around parents and adults who for the most part were whole and able to cope with life stress without resorting to extreme behavior. My dad, on the other hand, was the by-product of a broken relationship where his mom and dad divorced when he was 11 or 12. He ended up being perceived as the bastard in his family because both parents got remarried and the stepsiblings became the real focus. He was viewed as the reject by his stepdad and suffered both from physical and more  verbal abuse and neglect.  What is incredible as I have gotten to know my dad over the years is that he chose to not allow any of this negativity to stop him from having a normal life that has left its amazing impact on many even outside our family.

I was taught from a young age to respect and treat everyone like you would want to be treated. My mom always talked about the golden rule, ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you!’ I can understand how tempers can flare and words can at times turn into a fist being swung at another. What I can’t fathom is when this becomes the norm not the exception of behavior especially between a husband and his wife and kids. My dad learned quickly in life to face the difficult and impossible and not let it stop him from doing it!

I know it is easy for someone on the outside of a situation to make snap judgments and give a quick 1, 2, 3 type of advice. The reality is that few can walk away from any bad situation for multiple reasons. I know that Leslie was quick to reflect on how her love for this monster that was beating her kept her from walking away. I can’t fathom that she or any woman would view themselves as the real problem for the abusive behavior. Yet, there are so many that have been forced into the corner and their only response which is conditioned by the abuser is that they are totally the cause of this individual’s temper bursts and violent interactions.

I know as I have watched my dad over the years and have gotten to know his siblings a little it was something that he purposely did that created a healthy environment for him. He left his home setting, which I know was very difficult on my mom but the best thing for him. I can remember thinking that many of the stories, which I had put together about my dad, were true only to find out that they were piece meal put together by my mom or me and turned out to be far from the truth. My dad purposely shielded me from his heartache and pain.

As I was writing this blog a new friend appeared to talk a little about their circumstances in life. I was taken back when I realized that the book I had just finished described this person’s life experience also. I know that the journey from brokenness to wholeness takes on different forms. My hope and prayer is to be an instrument of God’s hand to see many within my community discover that there is hope and a new day ahead of them as they allow God and others to help them face their circumstances and make the better choice to pursue healthy relationships and wholeness.