Facing Death?

I can remember reading a book, ‘The Denial of Death’, during my philosophy degree time. It brought to the forefront the difficulty of most of us to admit to our own mortality and those around us. It isn’t until we loose a grandparent or a beloved pet that we are forced to consider the fact that we aren’t immortal. Yet, the focus of the book was that we live in a death denial culture where we go out of our way to make death look and sound as if it didn’t happen and isn’t really bad. The challenge is how are you or I going to face our own mortality?

I have struggled over the last 10 years of my life with the way that both of my parents died. I know that the wish of most is that we would either die in our sleep or go out in a blaze of glory doing something incredible. Yet, the headlines on the Internet, over the last few days, have been about the tragic death of an amazing actor who died with a needle in his arm. The clear question of why has to be in your mind. I have watched many die literally of old age where there really isn’t anything clinically wrong with them but they just stop wanting to live. I have an incredible story of my Aunt Alice who lived to almost 107. She is the oldest person in her cemetery. Al was a huge part of my life because she was always there and never seemed to change a whole lot over the years.

I have some close friends who are facing the onslaught of either cancer or dementia with their family. There isn’t any easy way to live as you consider whether to do chemo or radiation or nothing? My wife has worked over the last year in a palliative care unit in a hospital that has taught her much about the need to face up to what is actually happening in a person’s life. It is so easy to be selfish in times like this and not consider the individual’s quality of life. I have vivid memories of my mom’s decade long battle with cancer. She was an amazing example of someone who faced death with no fear. She was capable of experiencing huge amounts of pain without complaining. I watched her literally waste away over a couple year period of time. I believe that she hung on until she knew that my dad was going to be ok without her.

I watched my dad over a period of three years go from being able to function, carry on normal conversations and do life to someone that needed to be helped with everything. I was so fortunate to be with him during his last few months of life. He was so positive and cheerful about little things that wouldn’t matter to most but made my life rich and full of memories. He too came to a point where I believe he was ready to let go of this life for a better life. His last words to me will be embedded in my memory until my death. He and my mom have been my inspiration when it comes to facing tough times in life. It is so easy to shut down and not say anything. I have been guilty of this when I was hurting from my parent’s deaths.

We were recently at a 90^th birthday celebration of our kid’s grandma. Mary has been a huge part of our lives. We all know that Mary and her sister Betty, who is 96, won’t be with us that much longer. Yet, I was so thrilled that all of us could be there with Mary and surprise her. The best gift she could experience on her special day was to be with her family and special friends. The great opportunity for all of us is to choose to communicate with her and help her see how much we appreciate her life and love for all of us. Yes, there will be a day when we will gather again to celebrate her life and say thanks but it was so much better to do that with her.

I will watch my wife over the next couple of years face the death of her parents. I have said many times it is so easy to talk about something until you actually experience it and then face the reality of real heartache and pain. I don’t wish this upon anyone yet it is best to be prepared and think through how you are going to approach the unthinkable topic. The beauty of life is that it does have a progression and path that is clear whether we accept it or not. I enjoy my old age as I mentor and help my teens, college students and grandmas in my neighborhood.