One aspect of the Christian life, which isn’t broached very
often, is facing suffering and death. I know that we live in a culture that has
promoted feeling good and short cuts as the path for life. The challenge is
that all of us at some point face the death of a loved one or a close friend. I
have the experience, which wasn’t great, of watching my mom die over a period
of a few years from cancer. I can’t sugar coat the experience because it was
horrible to watch someone you love slowing decline and then be in constant
pain. I often asked the why question to God, especially to have my mom be the
one to go through this horrible life experience.
I have had some close friends who are still young face their
own mortality because of cancer or an unfortunate car accident. The reality is
that any of us could wake up with some disease or accidently run a red light
that sees us crashing into someone that could be hurt seriously. My dad’s
journey was very different from my mom’s. He slowly lost his ability to
remember and think over a period of five years. I know that he didn’t suffer
from physical pain but from the emotional trauma of sensing that you no longer
have a handle on reality. His disease meant that he was unable to eat and ended
up fixated at times with little things around him that hindered him from
consuming enough calories. This ultimately brought him to a point where he died
from old age in a very peaceful way I believe without much pain.
I know that most of us hesitate to ask our friends who are
struggling with cancer or some other aliment how they are doing. We are fearful
that they might not want to talk or be capable of expressing themselves. I have
learned an immense amount through my Anne’s CPE training when it comes to being
there for someone in real pain that isn’t able to find relief. I have spent my
fair share of time in the hospital visiting friends who have loved ones getting
surgery. It is always interesting to see how people respond to a visit of a
pastor or chaplain. I know that some would rather be left alone, which I
respect, but there are others who welcome a listening ear or pleasant
distraction from the obvious.
My learning curve is that pain and suffering are a real part
of life that too often we ignore or pretend don’t exist and that for some
reason we think we are above all of this. It is too easy to really think that
it isn’t spiritual or manly to cry or talk about how you feel. I’m learning
that it is so important to communicate to those that are close to you and be
open to that welcoming friend who tries to reach back and comfort you
regardless of whether they understand totally.
It is so essential to train our kids and teens to see that
suffering is a normal expression of life experiences. I can remember being
around my grandparents when they died. I was asked to do the funeral for both
of my grandmas and great aunt. It was both humbling but also enlightening to
realize that most of my relatives didn’t want to tell us that either grandma
was dying so we get a call after the fact. I was rather upset because I had
wanted to see them before they died and be able to say a real good bye.
My friend who has cancer is slow to say much, which I
totally understand. I know that too often there are few words that can express
how you feel about someone and how you want the best for them. It is very
disheartening to watch anyone die from the ravages of cancer. I also know that
suffering can also be a positive experience that helps us communicate with
family in such a way that we are brought together and are healthier. We had a
cancer scare with my Anne a couple of years ago that was very difficult for me
to face. I couldn’t believe that it was possible and then to wait for a surgeon
to do a simple procedure and come back with the news that everything is normal and
there is nothing to worry about.
It is essential to see that God is part of the good and bad
times in life. I don’t want to get into a discussion of whether God is the cause,
directly or indirectly of cancer, yet the important fact is that God cares and
is present in all life circumstances. He is the one who has comforted me as I
faced the phone call in the middle of the night about my mom’s passing. My
dad’s death was more part of my life because I was around him when it happened.
I’m thankful for having family and friends who are teaching me how to face life
and death with genuine understanding.
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