As I think back over my life it is easy to complain or moan and groan about silly things, which aren’t a big deal. I know that my dad’s journey with Dementia will be something that will move me to help others and pursue raising funds to help with research. (I can’t fathom that HIV research receives ten times the funding.) My dad has actually improved and is almost back to his old cranky self. I woke up or rather my listening ears heard my dad shooing off my little dogs that were giving him a good morning kiss.
My family DNA has always been to help others and have an eye out for those in real need. My mom was the champion of the down trodden. I always reacted a little bit to her quickness to help out strangers and then be rather vocal about her family and her faith. My dad was on the more reserve side of things. He wasn’t very quick to say much about his personal life. This at times brought us at odds with each other because as a teen that discovered the spiritual side of life I wanted to tell others about it and my dad was private about his faith journey.
I know that it would be rather easy for me or my Anne to joke about taking care of my dad over the last couple of years but I am reminded of how my dad became the real caretaker for a decade. I am starting to understand what it does mean to lay down your life for another. I was a little miffed at the fact that over the last couple of years doing vacation and getting alone time doesn’t happen in the typical fashion. I so much wanted to kidnap my Anne just for one night not for a week. Yet, the reality set in on last Thursday that my dad’s bathroom for his new place wasn’t going to be finished for a few days. I was irritated over the whole thing.
As I was thinking about how my dad took care of my mom during her journey with cancer I can honestly admit to myself that my dad didn’t scream or complain at least to me much at all. I actually argued with my dad towards the last year of mom’s life that he needed real help. I tried to persuade him to get home health care or hospice to come and help. He was rather adamant that he could do it and didn’t need another’s help. I actually got mad at him because often friends from church would come to drop off food or want to help and he would stubbornly put them off. I do remember screaming a few times at him to let us share the load.
As I am writing this blog it would be easy to blame the owner of my dad’s group home for ruining my Anne’s birthday weekend. She should have had the extra bathroom finished out. Obviously she was waiting to lease out her special bedroom. I didn’t have a clue as to the real story behind the bathroom. As I listened to her story in bits and pieces I was broken, humbled and felt horrible for my selfish feelings.
Korin opened up as we were putting my dad’s furnishings into his room amidst the loud jackhammer noise from the bathroom. I knew that her husband had died a few years ago. I also knew that he had built the extra room and bath that my dad would soon occupy. I sensed that her life had really stopped since her husband’s death. Many friends, in a trite fashion, had told her that God had a plan for her life without her husband. She got very irate when some would say that God took her husband to heaven because he was needed more there than with her four young children.
As I got to know her special friend, this huge Romanian contractor, that he was doing her a favor with actually finishing out the bathroom. This required a herculean effort with tearing out the concrete, redoing the pipes and then re-pouring the floor. What seemed to be a couple of day job has turned into a week plus project. Everything that you could imagine has gone wrong. Korin was so embarrassed about this situation. I tried to reassure her that it wasn’t a big deal. I was lying because I could have had my dad stay for the weekend at the Life Care Center and we still could have gone away but I was being cheap.
Back to my story of being a caretaker/giver and the real reason why my dad’s new home wasn’t ready. Korin had left her new addition untouched since it had been finished because her husband had been killed by a freak accident that left her doubting her reason for existence. I finally got up my nerve as we talked about suffering, grieving and mourning. I simply asked, “What happened?” I could tell as the tears started to roll that this was like it happened only yesterday. She shared that her husband was in the attic at their house doing something with the electrical. He was obviously your handyman type of guy that would never pay someone to do work but did all of it himself. After waiting a while for him to come out of the attic she finally stuck her head through the little door in the ceiling only to discover that he had been electrocuted. I’m sure she called 911 and did her best to revive him only to come to the realization that he was gone.
She had already told me that he was the love of her life. They had been married for 15 years but had known each other for 17 years. They had decided to come to the States to raise a family and seek a more stable setting. Her story very much revolved around her two group homes where she had laid down her life as a caregiver. She wanted everything to be perfect when my dad moved in and it was obvious that this wasn’t going to happen. So as I listened to her story and the bitterness inside or resentment over the loss of her husband I had to apologize for how Christians can be well intentioned but say things which are horrible without much forethought.
I can’t fathom how she has lived the last two years with four young kids and a mom who is helping but is from another world and era. Korin, who is an iPhone gal, did mention that she was more old school/world than one who would let her son have a FB page or allow her kids to watch much T.V. or forget YouTube. My real point to this blog is that my dad, not Korin or me is the real caregiver. He had set aside his life for a decade to wait on my mom hand and foot. This was a huge stretch for my dad who was raised in a time where the man was the breadwinner and the wife was the homebody and caregiver.
My dad had changed immensely over the decade he loved on his lady as she died one day at a time. I will always remember the phone call that came at 3am on that Thursday October 17th day. I knew that my mom had left this earthly life and was taken with the heavenly host to her heavenly home. I didn’t know how my dad would take this. He obviously had experienced a heavenly high that I could barely maintain him on the phone. He was jubilant about his love being freed from her pain and now be restored to a more than normal life.
So I can’t complain about the few days over the last couple of years that I have had to change my schedule or cancel something. My group in the hood actually understands the importance of grandmas and grandpas in life. I guess one of the exterior signs of my sinful condition is moaning about something that isn’t a big deal by making it into a big deal. I can’t fathom the frustration that Jesus felt often over his 12 when they didn’t get it. I can imagine that Jesus refrained many times from blasting Peter or one of the other disciples when it came to their poor choice of words or obvious misreading of the Gospel Story.
One time the head guys asked Jesus what they were going to get for all of their sacrifice in following him. I can see myself saying to Jesus, “You know I so much wanted to wait in line at the Apple Store for the latest Ipad or IPhone but instead I was watching my dad!” How totally stupid and brain dead of me to even think this way. The creator of the universe has decided before He designed the world that he would allow my complaints to be worthy of his attention when they shouldn’t. Why else would He so willingly allow His Son to take a ‘hit’ for my sin?
I know that it will be a journey for Korin to understand grace and forgiveness as God’s path for her life and not a performance based type of relationship. I am thankful that God has put this last piece of the puzzle together for my dad to be at Korin’s group home. I know that he will adjust and love his new home. I know it has been a pain for the bathroom to be installed but in a few months it won’t matter at all. God, thanks for putting people in my life who are real care givers!
No comments:
Post a Comment