I know that one of the most difficult aspects of life is
learning to hear the word NO and also being able to set boundaries. I admit
that I have a difficult time saying NO to my own indulgent tendencies just as
much to those around me. I admit that it is so important in life to learn to
say no to the right things in order to say YES to the few things you are to do
passionately well. I know that as a parent it is very difficult to say no all
of the time, especially as dads who are viewed as the ‘bad guys’.
Yesterday I was faced with a decision that meant saying a
big NO to someone who wanted to invite someone to attend something as mundane
as roller-skating. I won’t go into details about the individuals and
circumstances. The reality for me was that it would have been so easy just to
not do anything when a situation really required making boundaries for a
purpose. The challenge is no one, myself included, loves to be told NO to
anything.
I can remember, as a youth growing up my parents were mainstream
when it came to having discipline in our family. I knew that they were reasonable
which required me to be astute enough to communicate and follow through. I
didn’t grow up in the age of cell phones, Internet and texting. So if I was
going to be late I had to actually call them and explain what was happening. I
had a dad who cared which equated into him staying up at night until I came
home from a date, band gig or hanging out with friends. I wasn’t any different
with any of my kids who are now grown adults who soon will have their own kids.
I live in a community where too often the absence of dads
equates into few if any boundaries. It takes too much time and trouble to
communicate with your kids about the ‘ground rules’ in life. Instead what happens
is that everyone is raised in an open environment where everything goes until
you do something that pushes someone’s button. So what I see too often is an
adult losing it with the F bomb or other poor choices of words that only pushes
a kid further away from understanding why curfews are good not some evil
invention. Sadly, words turn into physical expressions that cause both physical
hurt and emotional pain.
I am always trying to get those around me to see the benefit
of being someone who purposely gets up early to put God first and have your day
ordered in a way that can rock the world. I know the temptation of wanting to
stay up way to late and then always push the envelope when it comes to getting
up in the morning and making it to school or work on time. I laughed when one
of my teens decided to take a 0 hour class which meant he had to be on campus
before 7 am. He would call almost daily with the expectation that I would give
him a ride to school. He figured I was up so why not. This didn’t last too long
and he had to drop the class.
Yes, I confess I grew up in the 60’s and was reared on a
life philosophy that really didn’t believe you needed boundaries. I can
remember the mindset that you challenged any authority and that rules were only
made to be broken. The wake up call was the officer that pulled you over for
speeding or running a stop sign where you didn’t come to a complete stop. I can
also remember the downfall of financial irresponsibility. Yes I did have to pay
off that credit card that I had mistaken as free cash. Boundaries have a place
in all of life arenas.
I met with someone this week who is a journalist that is
doing an article on the youth disconnect in Phoenix. The focus is primarily on
the African American youth and why we have the highest drop out rate,
unemployment amongst teens and highest pregnancy rate in the nation. It was
great to met this 30 something that grew up in D.C. with middle class parents,
which meant that he had some sense of boundaries, and ambitions that helped him
rise above the poverty mentality in the nation’s capital. My hope as he writes
his article is that he will purposely choose to be around some of my youth to
better understand why boundaries and having a passion in life are so much a
byproduct of family.
My dogs are quick to let me know when I forget my commitment,
i.e. boundary or family obligation to take them for a walk before the sun rises
and also after the sun has set. They can make me feel real guilty if I walk by
and ignore them. My hope is that I would be better at following through with my
life boundaries/commitments and that this would help motivate some of my teens
and adults to see the bennies of being an early riser and also someone that
actually gets more than a few hours of sleep. There has to be a better to say
this instead of the early bird catches the worm or that snoozing means you
lose.
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