My Amazing Dad

I know that it is easy for dads and sons to have this conflict thing happening during most of the teen years. I know that regardless of what generation you perceive yourself to be from that there will always be issues that dads and sons have to decide to see each other for who they are instead of who they would like each other to be. I understand that life has changed dramatically over the last 30 years. Regardless of these changes I have a dad who has truly been there for me as a wacky teen who grew up during the 60’s.

My life wasn’t typical with a dad who served in the Air Force and was involved in the Vietnam War. I can remember growing up and assuming that all people moved every couple of years. I also thought that most dads flew big airplanes that went on special missions that protected our country and allowed us the freedoms which we took for granted. It wasn’t until I was older and we lived in a more normal circumstance that I came to better appreciate my dad’s service to his country and even to my brothers and me.

It is now in life; as I have become my dad’s caregiver that I can better appreciate what it was like for my dad to be my mom’s caregiver for a decade as she battled with a different type of war – cancer. I can remember when we moved to Montana and there was real snow and definitely very cold temperatures in the 20 below range that I came to understand the uniqueness of both my mom and dad. My parents provided a very stable environment for us as kids growing up regardless of whether my dad’s life was on the line as he flew bombers in Southeast Asia with the risk he could be shot down or struck by lightening.

I now understood why my mom was so quick to make moving every few years a game that taught me especially to be quicker at making new friends, organizing my life and understanding that my home wasn’t a house or a neighborhood but my family. I always laughed at my cousins who lived in the same house and had never moved – HOW BORING! I’m not sure if I truly comprehended that my dad could die serving his country until a neighbor’s dad was shot down and became a POW for the following 7 years. I assumed that Captain Bob Lilly wouldn’t make it home. I was so thankful that B-52 Crews had a much more likelihood of surviving the war whereas helicopter crews had an unfortunately high percentage chance of being shot down.

I will always remember the small house in San Diego where my mom lived out her last 10 years of her life. I can remember the day my parents came to visit to tell Anne and I that my mom had breast cancer. They did it in such a way that it was supposed to lessen the news; my mom had cancer, which to most would mean she was going to die. My mom had faced death numerous times when she thought that my dad might have been killed while flying; yet, we came through 10 years of my dad flying these monstrous planes without crashing.

I know that my dad was someone that grew up in really difficult circumstances where he should have grow into a resentful teen that lashed out at the world for his parent’s divorce, growing up in a very racist city or having a Stepdad that hated him, yet, my dad grew up to become one of the most gentle and understanding persons I have ever know. I can remember the day I told him about my Anne and his response wasn’t 100 questions or that I was too young but a compliment that she must be incredible if I was going to ask her to marry me.

The life crisis that shook Anne and my world wasn’t a war or battle with cancer but the 3-month premature birth of our daughter. This landed us in the Bay Area and quickly removed us from our beach paradise where we had attended college. My parents were so quick to come to our aid when they received a phone call about Heather’s quick arrival. They drove the same hour we called to Mt. Zion to see our little one. We lived with them over the next couple of months as our lives were turned upside down.

My dad’s stable response to all of this was that God is faithful and will be there regardless of what happens. My mom was so quick to make us feel at home in a very strange situation. We didn’t know for the next 6 months whether our baby was going to live or die. Yet, they provided a safe haven for us to stay as we commuted to the neo-natal intensive care unit each day. I ended getting a concrete job in the Bay Area and we made the transition from our Los Osos beach home to a condo in Palo Alto.

I can remember the last month my mom lived. I had come to the conclusion that she was going to live her last days on the couch in my parent’s small house. I knew that my dad had become very private and withdrawn about my mom’s declining health. We had argued about why he was unwilling to have close friends visit. I was too quick to judge him and not really understand that he was my mom’s guardian who didn’t want her to feel any more pain even in the eyes of her best friends who would be in tears as they saw her weakened condition.

It was around 3am that I received a call from my dad. I can’t remember why I heard my cell phone in our South Phoenix home. Yet, I wasn’t shocked or taken back but knew this call would come sooner or later. I had visited my mom for our birthdays. We had said our good-byes and it seemed like she was ready to go home. I wasn’t ready for this traumatic experience for my family or me. Yet, my dad’s call was one of a spiritual high and song of praise for God’s care and love for his bride of over 50 years.

My dad had insulated himself from the reality that his best friend was about to leave him. He had been such an amazing caregiver for my mom. Yes, we fought about home healthcare and hospice but ultimately he listened. He did one of the most difficult things in making arrangements for my mom’s funeral and cremation before her passing.

My Dad has always been the one to be my mentor example that being a life long learner is the path to success. He was never one to push me to choose a certain career path. He never defined himself by possessions or education. I will remember the visit of one of his Air Forces buds this last year. Bill D was one of my dad’s students when he was close to retiring from the Air Force. I had really never heard Bill’s story about how my dad had impacted his life so he rose above mediocrity to excel.

I had explained to Bill via e-mail that my dad had Dementia and wouldn’t necessarily remember him. Yet, when we pulled up to Coco’s for breakfast on a Saturday my dad did remember Bill. We did the typical reintroductions and then sat for our breakfast. Bill at one point began his thank you to my dad. Little did I expect to see a 70 year old man start to cry as he expressed his thanks to my dad for how he had challenged and encouraged him at a point in his life when he was ready to quit. Bill went on and shared how my dad’s belief system and practical mentoring helped him go from being at the bottom to ending up on top.

I was so impressed with what Bill had said I asked him to write it out so I could save it for future reference. I know that one of the most difficult transitions in life is to watch the parents who raised you be totally invincible to becoming someone who is now more like a kid and then someone who needs your care and advocacy. My dad is truly my hero who has been my guiding light through my adulthood and youth. Thanks dad for loving me for who I’m and helping become the man you knew I could become!