Sunday, October 13, 2013

A Special Goodbye to Grandpa


We never know when our last, "Goodbye," will be.  Each day we interact with coworkers, friends, family and strangers.  We think we will see them again, fill in the future date, but we are merely assuming.  None of us knows when our last farewell will be.

I'm glad I chose to go visit my grandpa last night.  He was not doing well and the plan was to see him this morning.  I'm thankful my gut told me not to wait. I got to spend two hours sitting with him while he drifted in and out of sleep.  I got to hold his cold, boney, frail hand. 

It is strange how one moment this bigger than life person in my life can go from robust to frail.  Life slowly seeps from us. We get to be frail, a baby bird's egg needing the utmost care and handling. We go from being the child to being thrown into the adult role of watching over our aging loved one.  My dad has been my grandpa's constant warrior in making sure he gets the best care where he is living, made sure his dad got to get out for fresh air and treats like milkshakes. My dad was my grandpa's protector.

I can't imagine the bottomless grief my dad is feeling this morning.  To watch your own protector age, get frail and forget life's memories is not something that is easy to accept or adjust to.  To have to switch between the role of son and parent has to be a struggle.  You long for that parental protection you've always had and yet that role has morphed because of dementia and age.  

Watching a loved one go through having dementia is painful.  Things they've always remember slowly get erased, taken from them in a cruel bit of mental thievery. One thing I feel was a blessing of dementia is to see my grandpa's silly side emerge.  He would often display this huge grin from ear to ear.  Growing up I never really experienced this child like side of him.  He was always serious and he would joke occasionally, but as a kid I was never quite sure if I was supposed to laugh at his joke or not.

My grandpa was a constant in my life from the very first start.  Being a preemie having to be flown to a different hospital for treatment, him and my grandma were able to be at the hospital when I arrived.  He was a vet who loved to share his  Air Force stories.  When I think of him things that come to mind are airplanes, exercise equipment, cigars,  BBQ, Rush Limbaugh, and the Zone Diet.  He was one of the most generous people I know of.  One thing we shared is a love of gymnastics.  Growing up he did gymnastics and as a kid I took classes in the sport. He loved my grandma and single handily took care of her till she passed away from cancer five years ago. 

It's not easy to let go of a family icon. He will never be forgotten . He will be missed more than he can imagine.  I'm thankful now he can be with grandma, Al and his other loved ones who are waiting for him.  Thank you Grandpa for being you.  It wasn't always easy to know how to act around you, but you loved with your whole being, you were passionate about giving of yourself and helping others.  I am proud to be your granddaughter.  Love you!

Written by Heather Bennett Dannewitz

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