Helping or Enabling?

I struggle at times with knowing how far to go with someone who needs real help. I’m not talking about just advice or a lecture but a place to stay, food, bus money or the means to exist. Anne and I love helping people connect to God through connecting with friends within our network of friends. The challenge is knowing if there is ever a point at which you stop helping because it isn’t working?

I had received a text from a friend that works at my Starbucks. She was asking for advice with a homeless teen that was literally living at the Starbucks. I gave her some quick advice and said I was more than willing to talk to this guy. I came in later and gave her one of my cards and permission for the teen to call me. It took this teen another day before he called.

I’ve been impressed with this teen following through and getting some basics covered. The challenge, which Anne and I talk about, is why doesn’t he want to live at home with his step-dad and siblings? His mom died a few months back and it has been very traumatic for everyone. It is great that he has food stamps, medical coverage and school but his biggest need is a place to live. I know that the amount of energy that will go into work to provide for a room to rent or an apartment is way too much for a teen.

I have another teen that has been around us for over 5 years. He has so much potential but always seems to fall short. He could have graduated from High School last year but didn’t pass the AIMS test. He had it out with his mom, which I totally understand, yet, the rub with her and now me is this teen needs to get a job and quick floating around using people. I know that his mom isn’t capable of providing a roof and food for him so he needs to step up and learn to be independent. Yet, at present he has become a mooch that lives off his friends.

We had decided to let this one teen move back in with us for a season if he followed through with basics. One of the basics, which I have to enforce, is communicating consistently. It isn’t ok to dump off your stuff at my house and then disappear for a month. I can only track him down via Facebook. He doesn’t have a phone and his various friends I know tire of me texting them to find him. I don’t want to be the mean dad but last night he doesn’t come home nor does he call or Facebook me with what’s happening. I was a little ticked and even though this morning he calls and leaves a voice message I’m not sure why he didn’t come home?

I know that he is still living on the sly and doing things that aren’t ok but still believes that it is ok to take advantage of people. I know that he at times with steal stuff and sell it to his friends or be used by his friends to steal. He knows that I’m opposed to this type of life style. He has talked about finding a job over the last 2 years but has done really nothing. So what do I do? He too needs a place to stay, food and a place that can be a safe haven. Yet, we know ultimately he needs to figure out what it means to be responsible and live a life that is God honoring.

I have another new friend who is living on the street. He has to make some tough decisions soon otherwise he will wear out his welcome between the YMCA and me. I had helped him a little with getting his cell turned back on and gave him some cash for doing work with the expectation that these funds would go towards paying his Y bill. I know his story a little and understand that he is making huge progress with a past drug problem yet he still smokes and does pot on occasion. I told him that I really couldn’t support these bad habits. Especially when he needs food and shelter.

This guy is also at war with his parents. This makes it tough when you choose to continue to fight over family issues when you lose a home, support and the means to probably stay in school or get job training. I intentionally don’t view any of the help I give to someone as something that they owe New City or me. It is an outright gift so I don’t get bent out of shape when they don’t follow through or misuse the help. Obviously I want them to do what’s right and have a desire to give back so others can get help.

Yesterday, I had one of my 20-somethings actually pay me back for funds I provided so he could get his guard card. This enabled him to get a job at school that is now helping him make a significant difference. His willingness to give back now helps another guy who doesn’t have all of the funds needed to take his G.E.D. test. I’m learning that there aren’t any clear answers to life messes. I also know that my calling isn’t to be into fixing people but to point them to Christ, practical living expressions and connect them with other friends.