Anger Management?

I got a phone call while driving around yesterday picking up teens and kids for our monthly BBQ at my house. We usually have a good-sized group between adults and youth. I received a call from an uncle from one of my teens. As I answered it and heard his voice I knew that he was going to ‘ream’ me pretty good for something that his nephew had done or in this case hadn’t done. We had clashed in the past over my concerns about his nephew’s ability to control his temper, do better in school and get more help in order to grow up and do life. The uncle clearly didn’t agree with my assessment and took everything personal so we ended up at odds with each other. I attempted to reach back and talk about working together for the sake of his nephew and being more able to look beyond our differences to what is more important. This didn’t work so I really didn’t appreciate being screamed at on the phone by someone that also needed anger management help.

I talked to this teen and he assured me that everything was ok. I didn’t agree and said please talk to your uncle like right now. I also asked one of our interns who had picked him up to explain if anything looked strange when he got him. Obviously something was happening, because he had been screamed at by someone that was helping his uncle. I talked to this teen later in the evening again to attempt to clarify that I didn’t like being disrespected by his uncle and truly hoped and prayed that the uncle would be able to talk in a civil fashion and resolve our differences. Yes, reconciliation is the goal in the end. It’s not about me being right or wrong but establishing relationships that can benefit everyone. (Obviously our relationship with God is key when it comes to reconciliation.)

The BBQ night finishes as I drive home the last couple of teens wanting to have a quiet rest of the evening with my lovely Anne. I get another call from another teen that is about to go ballistic because his brother is getting in his face and his mom isn’t coming to his defense. I tell this teen to back off, walk away and wait for me to come and I’ll get him. I was still about 20 minutes away. I was proud of this teen because in the past he would have allowed his temper to rule him and gotten the snot beat out of him by his brother.

As I approach him he has his backpack and is ready to disappear. He hops into the van and we go back to my house. We talk a little and I express my thankfulness for him being able to cool it and wait for me. I explain that he can talk with our new intern couple who have some experience with counseling and working with youth. The next hour plus we or I should say they talked about everything. It became clear that he wasn’t able to change his circumstances so he would have to learn to do better damage control and be able to walk off instead of fighting.

He spends the night and as I return this morning from a meeting I know that his life hasn’t changed a whole lot. He has to go back home or at least go to his cousins or Aunts. The anger and frustration is still there waiting to erupt again. I truly wish there were a way to talk with his mom and help the situation. I have to admit that in this situation, different from the other, I could talk with his mom and she would listen. Whether anything actually changes I don’t know but know what’s more important is for this teen to learn more about self-control, dealing with anger issues and being pro-active to help bad situations like last night not to happen too often.

Yeah, life isn’t fair for this 15 year old that doesn’t have the social skills or spiritual power yet, to deal with his family that will continue to ‘go off on him.’ The good news is that this teen is learning more and more about God’s grace and mercy which can impact his life today and make a difference. He doesn’t have to let someone else’s anger issue control him!