Why is it the case that most marriages end up in divorce
court or separation? What is missing in today’s society when it comes to a true
understanding of commitment? Why is there such confusion between love, lust and
having a casual sex partner? Why are most twenty-somethings fearful of
commitment and now see themselves with multiple partners over most of their life?
Why is marriage no longer popular or even a topic of conversation? How is it
possible for someone who has been married longer than 25 years to walk away for
a fling type of relationship with someone twenty years their junior?
I have been surrounded by a few in my life who have
exemplified the ingredients for having a healthy vibrant relationship that
weathers the storms of life. I was privileged to have parents that loved each
other in real tough situations. My dad cared for my mom over a decade as she
struggled with her cancer battle. My mom loved on my dad regardless of the
stage of his memory loss as she was dying. I learned early in my marriage that
it takes energy and planning to grow together and not grow apart. Regardless of
socio-economics, education or life pursuits you can never take your partner for
granite. Yes it isn’t easy to juggle life in the fast lane, with a young
family, career, friends and commitments to nurture friendships.
I can remember recently having a conversation with a teen
that grew up in a broken family. He struggled with his own sexual identity and
questioned whether there was any hope to have a committed relationship with
anyone. I watched my amazing wife give real credence to the fact that is always
a potential for having a lasting relationship that has substance and real
meaning. Yet, the reality was that our young friend had already become collateral
damage from a failed marriage. He saw little reason to take a risk and assumed
he would be single or just have numerous partners over the years.
I had a heated discussion with one of my older interns about
the real basis for a relationship. I totally agreed that there has to be a
physical attraction in a relationship for it to work. Yet, the reality is that too often that’s all
there is and the relationship is based upon sex not heart to heart
communication. He agreed that there needed to be shared values, vision for life
pursuits and the ability to enjoy the other person. The challenge is that too
often we allow the culture around us to define the ingredients of a
relationship. It’s not too long before we become bored with our partner or see
a more attractive replacement to be confused about the mechanics of making a
relationship work.
I confess that as an aging male there is an attraction to
the pursuit of other females. Lust, temptation and sex are so much part of our
social media that it is difficult not to be drawn into the confusion. Yet,
after being married for over 41 years I’m still in love and in lust with my
beautiful Anne! I have just as many wrinkles or signs of aging as any 60
something but her pull and attraction continues to draw me to her! I’m always amazed
at her wit, heartfelt passion and willingness to put up with me, love me and be
available to do crazy things during all hours of the day or night!
So is it possible to reverse the tide of divorce and ‘bad’
mouthing of marriage? It goes back to the basics of what makes a relationship
work. It’s more than physical attraction, mental sparing or shared interests!
(These are important.) It takes a willingness to flex, bend and walk with
another through all of life circumstances and be able to reflect at the end of
the day that love is about mutual commitment, understanding and willingness to
clean up each other’s mess. My mom taught me that it was just as much my responsibility
to do the dishes, take out the trash and change diapers, as it was Anne’s.
So I truly believe it is all about finding someone who you
can’t live without! I’ve found my soul mate in my Anne. I couldn’t fathom life
without her! I agree that at times marriage looks old school to my kids growing
up but my hope is to be a living example that it’s worth pursuing.
No comments:
Post a Comment