I know that this will go down in Bennett history for Christmases. We did our usual Christmas Eve Service with over 50 people helping make 400 burritos, special friends made pezole; menudo and Starbucks donated 3 gallons of coffee. We also had blankets and lots of clothing to share with our 500 homeless friends in the downtown area. I always love being able to bless both by helping those in real need and also to give those who have much be able to share. I know that there were probably half of the helpers who hadn’t worked with us before especially for connecting with our homeless friends. I know that one of my close friends was definitely overwhelmed with the great need.
This becomes like a whole day affair after we finish with cleaning and taking home lots of our teen helpers. (We did go out to McDonalds afterwards) So by the time I was finished it was already almost 4pm. Anne was out shopping and returned about 4:30. We quickly got ready for attending Christmas Eve Service with Grandpa. We arrive at Chris Ridge Village and Dad is already to go. We make our way to the yellow chariot and he is thrilled to be out.
My daughter, her husband, son and girlfriend attended church with us. It was a very special service. I always get teary eyed because of my mom not being with us. I know that she is in heaven rejoicing along with all of us. We do our usual go out for dinner or I should say breakfast after church. There aren’t many places open so we end up at Coco’s. Everyone enjoys their dinner and we go home for the night and take grandpa with us.
As we got into the little station wagon Grandpa got a chill and couldn’t stop shaking for a few minutes. I get his jacket out of the back and help him cover up. He seems to warm up as we start driving and the heater starts to blast us. As we settle down for the night Grandpa seems fine with staying with us and sleeping on the couch. He gets up at least once during the night, which is normal. He seems ok, as we get ready to go for a Christmas walk with our dogs before our family comes over at 9:30 for breakfast. I notice we are low on milk and ½ and ½ so I go to the store via Starbucks to get a refill.
As I am pulling up to Starbucks Anne calls and explains that Grandpa is having trouble talking and seems to have had a stroke. I’m in tears and upset. The last thing I want is to have my dad be in the hospital on Christmas. I drive home quickly and agree with my Anne and I call 911. The paramedics are there in 3 minutes. My dad is very willing to allow everyone to do their job and assess his situation. He is going to St. Joseph’s where he had his hip surgery. I decide to drive behind the ambulance to the hospital. This doesn’t seem to be a life-threatening situation so they don’t drive like maniacs.
Fortunately for my dad they take him straight into the ER room where he gets immediate attention. They begin to do a battery of tests including a CT and then later an MRI. My Anne and Jeff and Heather quickly show after we get there. It is clear as the nurses and doctors do their tests and observation that Grandpa has had a stroke and is having difficulty speaking and understanding.
He is eventually admitted into his own room. He hasn’t eaten all day and until they do more tests it appears he is NPO – no food or drink. They have him on an IV and he seems ok with the different monitors that are hooked to his body. I know that I have to go home at some point and couldn’t decide if I should spend the night.
As I am driving home all of the usual questions hit me. Why GOD??? My dad doesn’t deserve any of this. I don’t deserve any of this. My mom dies of cancer my dad gets dementia and now this. What kind of God would allow such things? What’s going to happen to our vacation to San Diego? I thought God was supposed to be the ultimate Good and the all-powerful being? Why the stroke? Why on Christmas Day?
I’m the one that has the philosophy degree and science degree and knows the tension between what is considered rationalism, man at his best without God and deism, which is man with God where man at his worst is better than man without God at his best. We believe that God is gracious and merciful until something like this happens to me and not someone else.
I have been reading a book by Philip Yancey, “Disappointment with God.” It deals with the heartache of life and all of the questions and emotions that come out of this type of situation. He relates a story of a grad student who writes a commentary on the story of Job. The book is very compelling and Yancey eventually meets the young man. The man confesses that he isn’t a believer but a seeker who has real doubts. His doubts push him to attend a healing service. Someone there who is supposedly healed is a professor. The young man seeks out this professor only to discover from his wife that he has died. The young man is even more devastated and overwhelmed with doubt and anger. How is it possible for something crazy as this to take place?
The story doesn’t end on a happy note. Yancey doesn’t hear from him for years. The book is published but the author is reluctant to say that he believes anything about the Job story. Yancey doesn’t try to sugar coat any of this but leaves it in the real life mode. Yeah, bad things happen to what appear to be good, normal people for no obvious reason. Sometimes life sucks.
As I try to process my own anger and upset with God and myself I’m frustrated and confused. Yes, God I was upset that you took my mom from me. I so much wanted her to see the weddings of my kids and the blessings of having great grandkids. I admit that would have rather had my dad go to heaven first because he isn’t an easy person to help or love on. Yet, God blessed me with a dad, with dementia, who is a good friend now.
So God why would you allow my dad to have a stroke and leave him worse off than he was before? I’m the one that will take care of him for years to come so why throw this curve ball? Yes I know that I need to learn more about patience, grace and mercy but not through my dad having a stroke. I am the type to suck it up and dive back into the action regardless of how I’m doing emotionally. This can be both good and bad. I’m blessed to have lots of friends who are very supportive and helpful.
So I still come back to the same question as Job? Why? Does grandpa really need to have a stroke and be left without normal speech patterns? Don’t I have enough stress in my life as it is? I do know that God is sovereign and in control. I do know and believe that He is gracious and merciful. Yet, in this situation I don’t feel like He is in control or is showing his hesed.
God help me with my anger and upset. I didn’t want a dad or grandpa who would live out his life with dementia and now the aftermath of a stroke. I know that Job does end up saying the Lord gives and the Lord takes away – Blessed be the Name of the Lord. I can echo his heart but I’m still devastated and wonder why?
No comments:
Post a Comment