Helping without Hurting?

Anne and I love being with new friends and also with old friends. We had a great time this last weekend hanging out with a new couple, who are volunteering with our tutoring program. They are close to us in age and have adult kids that are a little younger than our kids. I had initially tested them to see if they were really adventurous and asked if they would consider doing Ethiopian food. I knew that the response might be a no, so I also suggested another usual place that is in urban downtown Phoenix – Cibo. (This is a cool pizzeria that is in an older house with an incredible outside dinning area.)

It is always a lot of fun making new friends who seem like old friends after talking for a couple of hours. You realize that life is a journey where all of us have different stories but we share lots in common. The evening progressed until the wife asks a personal question about the kids they have been helping. It was an excellent question, which she didn’t have to feel any remorse in asking. We started to talk about boundaries and how to be part of these kid’s lives without taking the place of their parents. It was a good but very difficult conversation because there aren’t any quick answers to the circumstances of those who have grown up in marginalized neighborhoods and don’t have much in the way of role models.

The guys also admitted that it is easy to come across as the guy with the big bucks who wants to buy someone’s attention and heart. This is a tough topic to discuss because everyone has a soft spot for those in tough circumstances, especially little kids who don’t have much. So we dialogued about what does it look like to help someone without creating a dependency that is unhealthy. Again, this was an important conversation but not easy to come up with specifics that work.

Just as I’m writing this I discover that the mom who is living with has lost her job. It has nothing to do with her but the reality that it was a temporary position that came to an end sooner then expected. We have allowed her and her daughter to live with us for the last month or so with the expectation that the mom would find permanent housing and not see our house as a means to party on the weekend. I have struggled with knowing how to talk with this mom in this present circumstance. Anne and I have had houseguests more often than not over the last 5 years. So we are ready to have our house back for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I know that it will seem rather cruel to ask this mom and her daughter to leave in a couple of weeks after the loss of a job. I know that our goal is to help everyone figure out their way of making it happen. It is very tough in today’s job market to find permanent employment. Many within our group get special help with housing, food and medical help. The challenge for someone in a tough situation is when you have lost your ability to get these special extras. So I’m at a loss to know what to do next but to continue praying, talking with lots of friends and asking the same for this mom. When someone asks me for help I always ask where is there family in this situation? What happened to all of their friends? Unfortunately, the response I usually get is one where too many bridges have been burned and there aren’t any open doors at present.

I know that seeing a person’s attitude and heart change and become more open to learning and being different is a key to seeing tomorrow become a better day. Yet, I also know that too many end up in the same circumstance day after day because of not listening or learning. My simple cry is for my Heavenly Father to help me with wisdom to know how to handle this situation.