Never Prepared!

I’m processing the death of my dad from a few months ago. I know that it isn’t easy, especially for men, to deal very well with their emotions. We have been raised and taught that crying or showing any sign of emotional weakness is the ultimate end of our masculinity. I will be the first to admit that the death of a loved one is never easy to face or prepare for the ultimate last good bye. I knew that my dad would have an ongoing battle with his Dementia that would take his life because of his inability to focus and maintain a normal eating pattern.

The last week of my dad’s life wasn’t that different for me from the previous year. I would see him twice a week and usually take him for a ride to get away from his Memory Loss Care Center. Our trips usually went to McDonalds, Jack in the Box or Jimmy Johns. This week it was cool outside so we went for a drive to get a milk shake at McDonalds. He loved drinking Strawberry and usually downed his regular size in five to ten minutes. This day he wasn’t moving real fast and seemed a little distant. He was still able to respond a little to my questions and general talk about family and activities.

As we drove around the park close to his home we typically would stop and watch the activity. This day there was a little wind and the pond had movement. There were a few families out enjoying their lunchtime at the park. I could tell that grandpa wasn’t feeling great. He didn’t really touch his shake and didn’t even play with it much. Usually he would be pulling the straw up and down or trying to attack the cherry that was hidden underneath the whip cream. Today he just looked tired and a little sullen.

We pulled back into his parking lot and I did the usual with helping him get out. I got his wheel chair and helped him get back on it and then pushed him into his Care Center. He said his usual thank you and I said good-bye. I knew that deep down inside this could be my last ride with my dad. I was actually really sad because I sensed that his days were few. I cried while driving on the way home. Unfortunately my Anne was on call that night and we didn’t get to talk at all. The following day was rather busy with my normal activities so I didn’t get to visit but knew I had to see him the following day, which was a Friday.

I received a call from one of the nurses that worked with him that expressed concern about his lack of desire to eat and decision to stay in bed most of the day. I played phone tag with her and left a message that I would be in the following morning to help my dad. I was able to talk with my Anne and expressed the fact that I sensed that this was serious. I texted my brothers and kids to say that grandpa wasn’t well and that maybe we should have a life celebration for my dad on Sunday. I expressly told my brothers they needed to come as soon as possible.

I can remember walking into his room that Friday morning and realizing that the dad of my youth and now old age wasn’t going to be with me much longer. I was already in tears as I saw him in his bed lying real still. We talked to one of the caregivers and got the update about his staying in bed most of the day before and this morning. I had to bite my tongue not to cry as I listened. I knew that this day would come but I wasn’t ready to face it. I didn’t want my dad to go, yet. I can remember asking God to not allow this to happen.

I will always remember looking down at my dad while he was in bed. I assumed he was asleep and couldn’t hear or respond. Yet, he grabbed my hand with some force. He opened up his eyes wide and then said something that will be my inspiration and thank you from him for the rest of my life. He said, “Dave I love you! I love you!” I fought back the tears. My Anne standing next to me I’m sure could sense me loosing my composure. He continued and said, “Thanks for caring for me!” After this he let go and went back to his sleep like state. I knew that this was his final goodbye for me.

As we left the facility I had already made arrangements to visit the mortuary to finalize his arrangements. I had my Anne call my brothers to get them to make their way out here soon, hopefully by tonight. It didn’t take very long to finish the paper work for my dad’s cremation. I was appreciative of how the lady made this easy and quick. I rushed back to see my dad and he hadn’t changed at all. I talked with the head nurse and his main caregiver. We were all taken back at how quickly my dad seemed to be letting go and getting ready for his real homecoming.

I had mixed emotions as I waited for my brother and his family to arrive. Also realizing that my Anne would be on call all that night at the hospital so she wouldn’t be there with me. I knew I was supposed to be strong and not falling apart, yet I was ready to break down. I have been around a lot of people during their last days and even been with a few who have died in my presence. Yet, I wasn’t prepared to watch my dad fade away over the next 6 hours.

I was excited that my daughter and husband came for a visit and actually spent alone time with grandpa saying their goodbyes. It was a just short while later that my brother and his family arrived. This gave me the strength to face my dad’s passing. I explained to them that grandpa had actually changed a bunch since they saw him just a few weeks ago. I’m thankful that my brother was able to be with him while he let go of this life and walked into eternity. My son and his wife showed up just after my brother arrived and were also able to see him.

I decided to take my niece and nephew home and let my brother stay with dad. I knew that there would be a call in the next few hours. I was just into bed around 1am when my cell buzzed and I knew that it was my brother. Dad had slipped peacefully from this life to his more glorious life in eternity. I was thrilled for him but selfishly mourned for myself. I went to the care center quickly and told my brother and his wife to go to my house. I would wait for the Hospice Nurse and the transport for my dad.

I touched my dad’s forehead and gave him a kiss. I knew that he was now home and was with his lady. I was emotionally exhausted but was able to wait almost an hour for the nurse and transport person to arrive. It helped having them come to talk a little. I helped as they carted my dad into the back of the van. As he drove off I knew that my life would feel empty for a time. I’m thankful for the last day I had with my dad that will help me ultimately face the death of other friends and family members in the years to co