Fear - Friend or Foe?

I know that as I face getting the results from my Anne’s biopsy it is so easy to want to run and hide truly believing that I can freeze time and not have to deal with the potential of a positive result. I can remember over 15 years ago getting a call from my parents that they were coming to see us with some news. My mom wasn’t clear at all about the real purpose of the trip. It wasn’t until we were sitting in our back patio eating breakfast together that my mom laid out the results of her biopsy. She had breast cancer and would soon have surgery that the Doctor guaranteed would eradicate the problem.

I know looking back over the last decade of my life I’m learning that fear isn’t necessarily something evil or life-threatening depending upon how I choose to respond. My mom’s situation wasn’t something that hit me all at once because her choice to have surgery delayed the cancer’s impact on my life. It wasn’t until 6 years later that the cancer came back in full force. I became a fighter and advocate for my mom that saw me driving to San Diego once a month to talk with her doctor. I wasn’t necessarily a fan of chemo treatment if it didn’t produce any tangible results. This began a dialogue with my dad and the doctor that saw my mom’s treatment eventually stop.

I have a close friend who is in the hospital waiting for her daughter to deliver her grandson. They have been in the hospital for three days and the wait is almost over. Initially the situation wasn’t good because her daughter had high blood pressure, which would endanger her life and the life of her baby. I’ve texted my friend every few hours and have gotten a sense of how tiring it is to wait. Yet, progress is being made and the little guy will be home soon. The wait will have been worth it and the memory of the initial panic will be gone.

There is a great short quote on LinkedIn that addresses the issue of how we face our fears. Fear – forget everything and run or face everything and rise! I know that it is so much easier to just run and allow our fears in life to cripple us and make us almost useless. I also understand, from my mom’s life example, that it is much wiser to face everything in life and rise to the occasion. Yes, my mom was a fighter that wasn’t willing to allow her cancer to stop her from living or influencing my family and myself. I know that accompanying my mom to her oncologist every month wasn’t fun but became a necessity. It is so easy in the midst of a crisis to not see the bigger picture. I know intellectually that life is a gift that doesn’t come with any guarantees but emotionally I don’t always get that.

As I live through the next few days waiting the results I know that my love for my Anne is more real than ever. I’m at a loss of words to express to her how much I love her and truly need her whether I come across as totally self sufficient I’m not. We are presently caring for some little guys who at times can act totally independent. Yet, when there is a mishap they come running for help or a hug. I’m no different I need a hug and reassurance that life is ultimately good even as we face our own mortality.

So what determines whether our fears push us to run and attempt to forget what is before us or choose to face the obstacle in front of us and rise to the occasion to overcome the circumstance? I know that for me learning from my past is so instrumental to being able to face today’s circumstances. I get it that a little kid that is put in a totally dark room is most likely going to scream and not be able to sleep. Just as I’m an adult that needs other’s help to face tough circumstances. The difficulty is that I have to be honest and transparent enough for others to know that I’m struggling and need their friendship and support. Unfortunately the macho myth of total self-sufficiency is still very much alive. I know that even as a Christian it is too easy to believe that it isn’t spiritual to show weakness or vulnerability.

I took my Anne to see the movie, ‘A Fault in our Stars’, this last week. This was a rather crazy choice on my part understanding that the C word could easily become a part of our lives. I was in tears most of the movie, understanding the heart aches of a teen, which sees no purpose in existing. Yet, most of my tears were for me as I faced the loss of my mom and more recently my dad. I’m not up for another tragic ending to someone’s life that is close to me. I don’t want to have to face this type of fear; yet, I know that life doesn’t have any money back guarantee attached. I also know that my God is more than able to help me walk through both green pastures and also the valley of the shadow of death.

I hope to be better at facing the fears of life that can be crippling but rising up instead of running and hiding. Today is a new day to experience life at it’s best regardless of the outcome, knowing that I have family and friends that are there for me!