I know that everyone has been told that to understand
another person’s path in life you need to walk a mile in their shoes. Last night I decided to cancel one activity
in order to spend time with my intern’s parents and little sister. The night
before we had one of our kids, who we have taken into our home, act out. I can
rationalize to some extent why someone would choose to act a certain way but
then there’s always a limit. My little friend totally lost it and was screaming
rather foul language pointed towards the one who has helped him the most in the
last 2 years of his life. He packed his little bag with his clothes and then
marched out of the house hoping to find out whether the grass is greener on the
other side. Eventually he fell into a deep sleep after physically hitting the
wall, the floor or me with his hands and feet for almost 45 minutes.
We had a great day swimming at one of the nicer city pools
with a large group of our adults, teens and kids. When we got home it was time
to dive in and get our house clean and get dinner going for our special guests.
My Anne and I love to entertain but want to have a nice house with great food.
I had assigned different tasks to all of our guys and each decided to follow
through with gusto making the house shine, except for one. All of a sudden a
simple request like spot mop the house turned into this tirade about the fact
that this wasn’t his chore so why should he have to do it. He then proceeded to
be rebellious but made it clear that he wasn’t acting out as bad as his brother
from the night before.
This made for a rather interesting evening as he paraded
around the house, backyard and frontyard in his boxers alone. He was pushing me
to the limit thinking that I was going to yank him into the house and make him
do something. Trust me, I truly wanted to do this but was too busy making
dinner and getting ready for our guests. So he ends up watching us eat and finally
decides to participate. The fascinating part of the evening is that we end up
talking about how to create partnerships with different people groups to help
someone like our little guy learn how to control his emotions and not lose it instead
of taking out their anger on my awesome intern or me.
It is so easy to make snap judgments where you truly think
you understand someone else’s life situation and that you have the easy 1-2-3 solutions.
I attempted to explain the cultural dynamics of the different ethnic groups in
our neighborhood and how each had different worldviews that colored their
perceptions of life that influenced how they lived day to day. It is difficult
for many that live outside under resourced neighborhoods to get it that kids
and adults actually go to bed hungry at night and that sleeping in a house or
apartment where the utilities have been turned off makes for a sweaty sleep. I
know that my little friends who are living with me sometimes think that I’m
really weird and strange because of the food I eat and the fact that I don’t
have girlfriends in addition to my wife.
I laughed when I listened to my wife explain to the oldest
of our guys that she hadn’t slept with numerous men or had kids from different
dads. We have been trying to help our pre-teen who is now celebrating entering
puberty that having sex at the age of 11 or 12 is not something we applaud or
see as being normal. Yet, how can I expect my little friend to see from my life
perspective that my way, which seems boring to him, is the best path to pursue?
So how do I help someone understand my life choices or me theirs unless I
deliberately walk with them and work with them?
I believe that the way to see a neighborhood be transformed
is when those that have discovered the real path to responsible and sustainable
living give back to the community where they were raised. It is too easy to
walk away from the unfortunate experiences of your youth assuming that moving
to the burbs is the solution. How do I reach a fourteen-year old guy who now is
decorating his ankle with a high tech bracelet that won’t allow him to go out
much beyond his front yard? He truly believed that helping a friend steal a car
was the coolest. I gasped when I saw his brother and cousins act as if what he
did was totally ok. The downside was that he got caught, especially after having
put $20 of gas into the stolen car.
One of the most amazing experiences of my life that has
influenced everything I do is volunteering with Habit for Humanity. I was
fortunate to be on the local board for 8 years and be involved with different
roles. What stood out is the power of partnerships and giving a person an
opportunity to help themselves and see the sense of accomplishment that
happens. It is too easy for some to think that Habit is giving a big hand out
to a family in the form of a house. Yet, the reality is that the Habitat Home
owners will have worked hundred of hours along side various volunteers who
teach them about building a house and also community.
What strikes me as I do some reflecting is that I don’t get
it when it comes to other people or teen’s choices in life. It is so easy for
me to assume that my way is the right way when in reality I’m just as fragile
and likely to have a meltdown as the next person. So clearly the world, my
neighborhood or family would be so much healthier if I choose to walk and work
together with those that live around me and stop thinking that I'm better than them!
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